By Matt Stone
Life was good with a low metabolism. No time of the month. But then you raise that metabolism and uh oh, not again. Freakin’ progesterone production goes up, LH and FSH regulate properly, and the next thing you know you’re bleeding, and once again dealing with the embarrassment and expense of buying “feminine products” and having to ask your boyfriend every time you get out of the car if there are any spots showing through your pants. Sucks.
Life was good with a low metabolism. You could go get in a workout and not even have to change clothes to go out after. Wear the same shirt for a week. Maybe even same socks. Hell, once I even climbed up 2,000 vertical feet with a 50-pound backpack in a half hour without breaking a sweat. Not anymore Schwetty Betty. I work out in a gym with about 50 other people working out around me, and I literally sweat five times as much as the 2nd sweatiest Eddie in there. Everything I lean over I drip on. Thankfully I take the advice of Milli and Vanilli and blame it on the rain.
Life was good with a low metabolism. With no sweating you didn’t have to worry about changing your shirt at all, much less getting that thing totally salt-stained. But damn, now every time you do so much as get up and go to the bathroom you sweat. And when you sweat, it isn’t just some ordinary sweat. The stuff is so full of minerals and salt as the concentration of your extracellular fluid goes up, that now your sweat is like water from the Dead Sea. I used the same black t-shirt (shown right, demonstrating outdoor survival skills being taken to new heights) for a few days on a backpacking trip this summer and even after a half dozen washes it still has crazy mineral stains all over it. Looks like a tie-dye. Hats of course look disgusting. But the worst, by far, has been the crotch rot. I can literally corrode the crotch out of a brand new pair of pants and have franks and beans slipping out in two weeks flat. I’m going to have to start wearing underwear again, which will make me even more uncomfortably hot. Or even worse, a cup.
4) Toilet paper expenses
Life was good with a low metabolism. With one poop every few days that was the consistency of Kingsford charcoal a single roll would last a month. Now look at you. With a drop in bowel transit time to less than 24 hours and a massive bump in stool volume you might as well go ahead and get a part-time job at Costco.
Life was good with a low metabolism. A single Kleenex was enough to clean up after ejaculation for a whole week. That’s a total of one Kleenex per week, or 52 Kleenexes per year. A totally manageable expense. But you’ll be Ancel Keyed when you start needing a beach towel, and other beach gear like a mask and snorkel just to survive orgasm. He was right about the parallels between metabolism and the volume of “emissions.” For women, you better hope Santa stuffs your stocking with undies. You’ll need a dry pair every few hours peri-ovulation.
Life was good with a low metabolism. No more having to trim toenails and fingernails with that super low rate of keratinization. There’s enough to keep us busy without having an additional couple of chores added to the mix. Not now though. Now your nails grow like that creepy old guy in Krull. And to answer Napolean Dynamite’s unanswered question, the size of a chicken’s talons probably relies, in large part, on its rate of metabolism.
Life was good with a low metabolism. Grocery bills were next to nothing. A couple eggs fried in lard with some low sugar berries only ran you a couple bucks in the morning. My girlfriend and I and her 7-year old daughter spent $700 at Publix in September, and only have a couple of Cornish Game Hens in the freezer at the moment to show for it. Please help. Buy an eBook or something while visiting the site today. We don’t want to have to force the 7-year old to have to eat School Lunch Approved sized lunches. She already eats more than the allowable calorie levels for a 200-pound Senior linebacker. No really, she does. She’s on her 5th cookie right now as I type this. I keep hitting the “refresh” button on my bank account online and wiping tears out of my eyes.
Life was good with a low metabolism. You could enjoy the tenderness of snuggling with a loved one. Forget that now Buster. If you can’t sleep with even a sheet on top of you, a warm arm or leg draped over you starts to feel like a plastic bag in 20 seconds. And worst of all, if you are the only one in bed with a high metabolism the coldies won’t get off of you. Fortunately, their hands and feet will cool you down somewhat at first. But after they fall asleep you have to either wake them up and throw them off of you, or bite your arm off and slip away (the “coyote”) to keep from dying of heat stroke in your sleep.
Life was good with a low metabolism. You could stay out late. Save your money. Go on vacation. Do drugs. Sleep until noon. Watch Terminator 2 at 7pm every night. You only had to see poop voluntarily, out of your own curiosity. Now you’re watching Blue’s Clues at 7, you’re face to face with a bowel explosion every few hours, and there’s another on the way. But you do learn some cool things watching Blue’s Clues, like what the hell colors Vermillion and Chartreuse are.
Life was good with a low metabolism. You could live in Tropical Paradise like a runaway 80-10-10 raw vegan. It was never too hot. 85 degrees felt like heaven. Now you’ve gotta live in the God-forsaken “country” of Canada. Those people never shut up, and their sense of humor is light years away from being funny. They probably don’t even know who Dave Chappelle is up there. They are all pale as marshmallows and embroider red Maple Leafs on their backpacks to travel so that no one will confuse them for being cool, athletic, funny, and good-looking (I love messing with Canadians, precisely because their sense of humor is so damn good).
Anyway, don’t get too excited about having your cells produce energy properly, and your body’s systems function the way they were intended to function. It’s not a walk in the park. It’s a hole in the wallet, the crotch of your pants, and some other kind of hole that I couldn’t cleverly think of.
- Droopy balls. They stretch out a damn mile away from your body to try to keep cool. And they are more exposed to injury, such as getting them caught in the spokes of your bicycle wheel.
- Oily skin. Dry skin is a common feature of a low metabolism. Raising metabolism restores the oils to your skin and then some. Could wring out your pillowcase and solve the energy crisis.
As of December 1, 2012, discover some of these inconveniences for yourself by applying the basic concepts in the book Eat for Heat.