Oh no he di’in! 180 member, follower, and HED superstar Brock Cusick has written a guest post. It’s the best thing since Jenny the Nipper went totally ape shit on Weight Watchers, Venuto, the WAPF, Ray Peat, and Matt Stone a couple weeks ago. I support this points system, with the exception of the overcooked veggies. Cook the hell out of them if you want to. No deductions.
The 180 Degree Weight Watchers Point System
By Brock Cusick
Behold!! The 180 Weight-loss Point System! (WoPS)
The first thing we do is pull a 180 on the point system itself, and turn it 180 degrees around. Instead of having a point value which you have to stay under, the WoPS has a point value which you must meet or exceed every day. If you don’t achieve 180 points each day Matt Stone will come to your house and quote random non sequiturs from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (1990) or reenact scenes from a randomly selected Arnold Schwarzenegger movie until you beg for mercy. (“Kowabonga!” … “Why can’t I fall in with people who have condos?” .. “I let him go.”)
To further make sure that the WoPS doesn’t bring a knife to a weight-losing gun fight, we will re-arrange the point value of commonly encountered foods. If you encounter a food not on this list just figure out which food it’s closest to.
Butter, Coconut Oil, Tallow, Lard (1 T)10 pts
Coconut Milk, Olive or Macadamia Oil (1 T)5 pts
Corn, Vegetable, Canola or Soybean Oil (1 drop)-20 pts*
Beef, Lamb, preservative-free Sausage (1 handful)20 pts
Chicken, Fish, Alligator (1/2 a Bowie Knife)15 pts
Quinoa or Properly combined whole-protein plant sources (e.g., rice & beans) (1 cup)10 pts
Milk, Yogurt, Cheese (1 cup or slice)5 pts
Eggs (ea.)5 pts
Anything marketed by Drs. Atkins or Eades as a “high protein meal replacement bar/shake.”-50 pts**
Raw vegetables5 pts
Fermented Vegetables10 pts
Lightly Sautéed Vegetables15 pts
Any vegetables boiled to the point where the water turns green and/or the vegetables are “floppy”-20 pts***
Potato (baked or mashed)10 pts
Sourdough Bread (1 slice)5 pts
Brown Rice (1/2 cup)10 pts
White Rice (1/2 cup)5 pts
Fresh Fruit (1 handful)3 pts
Anything containing sugar, sucrose, high fructose corn syrup, crystalline fructose or fair trade organic evaporated cane juice from authentically ethnic countries ridden with poverty. (Any amount)-1 bazillion pts****
*And Matt Stone comes to your house and beats you with a stick.
** And Matt Stone sends Tony Milkshake and Freddy Two-fingers to your house to teach you a lesson.
*** And … nothing. Eating vegetables like this is punishment enough that you’ll never do it again.
**** And Matt Stone sends Count Rugen, The Six-Fingered Man, to your house to inject one live hornet into your nasal cavity for every gram of the offending substance that you consumed.
And there you have it folks! Anyone who follows this plan is sure to achieve excellent health, as long as you avoid getting hornets shoved up your nose.