Barbie… The Truth Behind the Beauty

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I was perusing the kid aisles at Target today with a 7-year old.  She loves Barbie.  We strolled down the aisle, just the two of us.  She mentioned her love of Barbie.  I asked her if she wanted to know a little secret about Barbie.  She said yes.  I told her Barbie makes herself throw up after everything she eats and that her teeth fell out from all the barf acid.  It went way over her head, like most things I say.  I didn’t really say it for her amusement anyway.  There was a decent looking girl within earshot.  But the experience reminded me of all the inside information that I have about Barbie that few others possess.  Today… I tell all.

Yes it’s true.  Barbie’s teeth were worn down to little nubs by all the stomach acid she has bathed them in.  She had to get Veneers.  And she is obviously bulimic.  The exclusive photo I have included of her in the act of purging speaks volumes.  She has also been known to use laxatives frequently when her esophagus is too swollen and inflamed to puke.  All this hard dieting has made her exceptionally prone to drug and alcohol abuse as well, not to mention her heightened fixation on food that often leaves her ripping through 30 cookies at one sitting as opposed to the one or two that it takes to satisfy a normal person.

Barbie may look like a fun girlfriend to some.  She sure as hell managed to lure in Ken with all her glamour and confidence, her style and popularity.  But the truth is that Barbie, with her extreme dieting and full-fledged eating disorder, has absolutely no sex drive whatsoever.  Poor thing.  The last time she menstruated Lite Brites were flying off the shelf. 

There was a brief time when she went to numerous fertility doctors, got all jacked up on hormones that she was low in such as progesterone, and for a time became pregnant.  But not for long.  Even with all the hormone supplementation she still had a miscarriage shortly after Pregnant Barbie was released.  They had to recall those bitches.  She’s been so sexually inactive since that her vagina actually closed shut and a layer of skin grew over her entire crotch – rendering her genderless.

After decades of dating Barbie, Ken had such severe sexual frustration that he castrated himself.  It happened one day when he was secretly masturbating to the sex scene in Team America for the 873rd time.  He just couldn’t take it anymore.  Like a mailman with a big hole in his courier bag, he’s got no package to deliver.  The negative effects of Barbie’s eating disorder don’t just hurt Barbie.  They hurt Ken.

Fortunately Ken can still function without his testes.  Like most male Malibu residents, Ken takes huge doses of testosterone and goes in daily for a growth hormone injection.  Problem solved.  He’ll be rocking his 4-pack abs well into his 70’s, sort of a Dr. Jeffry Life action figure if you will.

Still, that’s not much solace for Ken, as he has to live and mingle with Barbie, and there’s still much about Barbie that you don’t see from outside of the box.  Barbie’s eating disorder has made her quite mad.  She has strong OCD tendencies and at times is an emotionally irrational scorpion of a woman.  Plus, the love in their relationship is gone.  Barbie, who has to urinate constantly from her impaired osmoregulation, pees in front of Ken casually.  Strangely, despite peeing around Ken like it’s no big deal, she refuses to let him watch her eat, and actually forces him to leave the room whenever she has a “meal.”

And no, she’s not pooping in that scene I assure you.  Barbie hasn’t had a bowel movement on her own for years.  She gets a colonic once a week just to get things moving, but is extremely backed up.  Food sits in her stomach like a brick.  Got gastroparesis?

Yet another tragic secret is that Barbie has all kinds of weird things going on with luteinizing hormone (LH) and follicle stimulating hormone (FSH).  With these things being dysregulated, not only is she failing to menstruate, but she is now producing excess testosterone.  She’s lost hair in all the right places (well, right place – her head), and is growing hair in all the wrong places – her arms, back, and face.  She doesn’t go in for a monthly Brazilian, but a monthly Chewbaccian.

So you see, Barbie is not as beautiful as most people think.  She is ugly both on the inside and the outside.  Her life is not one to be envied.  No amount of toys and boys can make someone in this extreme state of emotional and physical distress happy.  Well, not consistently happy at least.  She does have frequent outbursts of irrational joy and hopefulness, but that comes with the bipolar tendencies that living on a biochemical rollercoaster creates.

Anyway, I started working with her recently and have got her using a refractometer to keep her urine concentration more stable, and have encouraged her to eat freely of refined, sugary and starchy wheat and dairy products that she’s been avoiding on her gluten-free low-carb no-fructose raw Paleo vegan low salt macrobiotic Primal Warrior diet.  She’s not necessarily on that diet all the time mind you, she just convinces herself of one of the above logic sets every few hours, and by dinner time is usually on her 3rd or 4th diet.

Hopefully these things help and help quickly.  Her bone density is so low that kids are confusing her for Gumby.  And she’s been looking a little prematurely aged as well.   

Please share any advice you have for Barbie, or scandalous rumors that you’ve heard about her too.  May the truth be known so that the next generation of females gets past this naïve belief that a better life is awaiting you at a lower number on the scale.

 

52 Comments

  1. first!!!! on BARBIE

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  2. First off, LMFAO!! This may be the only web blog that mentions “Lite Brites”, I would’ve figured you’re too young to remember that Matt. Secondly, I like how you mentioned Dr. Life as I had read his book The Life Plan which I liked but was always confused about how a low fat/low cholesterol diet imoroves Testosterone production (per his book). How can a medical Doctor not know that fats and cholesterol are needed for T-production? Am I wrong about that?

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    • Scary. And not entirely unfamiliar, the peeing bit if nothing else :( Nowadays I can spot an ED just on that but when I was doing it, nobody told me. I thought it was a sign of health – of drinking lots of pure sparkling crystal clear mountain spring yada yada water (for pure sparkling crystal clear round the clock results)

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  3. OH…SNAP!!! BARBIE GOT SERVED!!! I heard a rumor that Barbie’s mother may have actually sparked her eating disorder on her 12th birthday when she said, “Barbie your getting a bit chubby dear…why dont you skip the birthday cake..”. Poor Barbie

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  4. Have you guys seen the “real life Barbie” picks on yahoo news today? Some Russian girl and totally creepy.

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    • Extremely creepy.

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  5. ha-ha! lol
    cracked me up!

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  6. “I’m a Barbie girl! In a Barbie world!”

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  7. Omg this so wrong it’s right. I had to do a lot of Googling to even understand this post. Are you sure you’re not the other Matt Stone!? Love it!

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  8. Look, I do Olympic style weightlifting and am relatively strong for my age (52), but I shiver every time I see the picture of that old dude (forget his name) whose picture you have posted above. He looks like he is at an amusement park and having his picture taken at one of those mock cardboard figures (you know…the kind where you get your picture taken as a gladiator, Princess or whatever). Has anybody ever told this man how f*ckin ridiculous he looks? My daughter was recently reading Persepolis 2 in which one of the characters gets blown to pieces. When he gets put back together again, the Doctors accidentally put certain parts of the body back in wrong spots. The character lifts his arm to display his armpit and yells out, “Kiss my a**”. That reminded me of this guy. The parts look like they are in the wrong place. Would be interested in hearing from women if this guy gets them in the mood. Do tell.

    Admit to getting turned on by the picture of Barbie getting done in handstand position. Not a good sign :)

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    • That’s not Barbie. That’s from Team America http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u7tXpBrpecA. Ken’s pornography of choice – when he had genitals.

      The Life Plan is a hilarious book. He started feeling crappy and getting fat around the middle “even though eating a clean, low-fat diet and training his ass off every day with a personal trainer,” so he started taking a bunch of hormone replacement. So he was like, Oldmember. Kind of.

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      • Awesome movie! You and the other Matt Stone would really get along :)

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      • Hormone replacement is just a nice euphemism for injecting testosterone and growth hormone. So in no way was his physique was achieved “naturally” — more like as a science project.

        Maybe most guys will be lining up for testosterone when we get old, but if that day comes for me, I’m going to tell people that I’m on the legal juice so they don’t think “hormone replacement” is some benign, natural thing.

        For as long as I can manage, I am going to keep the hormones strong with herbs, balanced exercise and plenty of good food.

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      • oh, and by the way…

        TEAM AMERICA, F%@K YEAH!

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    • lol
      I have to admit, I like the look (of the old guy);
      but it doesnt neccessarily get me in the mood- that is more to do with the overall
      character and personality of the person as well as attraction factors..

      I too lift weights, both bodybuilding and powerlifting style (44 yrs old).
      I am used to the whole fashionable gym look, (muscles and leaness),
      and though I know it is not neccessarily synonymous with good health I still
      secretly try to achieve it!

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      • @Nola what’s the difference between bodybuilding lifting and powerlifting? (Are there different types of exercises/movements?)
        Also,how many times a week do you lift? (And do you find you start eating more bc of this?I’m still caught in so many of my habitual ‘old-thought’ patterns,feeling like never doing enough,food issues,weird emotional imbalances etc.)

        Despite what you think of your physical appearance,though I cant imagine your that chubby/fat,I think it’s very impressive that you’re doing this since I don’t see any women at all around the barbell section in the gym.:)

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    • older dudes. a okay. older dudes with the body complexes of a twenty year old. NOT HOT. Bleeeehh. :-S.

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  9. As a fashion doll collector, veteran dieter and former bulimic, I’m still hooting with laughter at your Barbie send-up. The pics are priceless, too. But it’s not too late for Thyroid Barbie to get into a Diet Recovery Plan – if I can do it at 58, so can she. Rock on, Matt !

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  10. oh my god. you have surpassed even yourself. :-) Carbs are the way to go Barb! Right Joni? ;-)

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  11. Loooooooooooool this is too hilarious :’)

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  12. Lordy… a Chewbaccian?!! I actually know people who might need one of those…
    This is hilarious. And sad. I say, bring on the salt and sugar, Barbie!

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  13. I hope you really enjoyed writing this because I really enjoyed reading it! I am not familiar with Dr. Life but it appears someone has super imposed that old dude in Wendy’s commercials onto an MMA fighter.

    I was never as bad as barbie in any of her facets, but in some ways I was doing just as bad. When you lose weight and muscle so fast that your ass crack can somewhat fold in on itself when you sit down (you can pinch yourself) you have some problems. and I did and didn’t even know it.

    It really is amazing how much less you actually crave things if you just really let yourself have it. That’s all I have to say.

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    • So true! One day after recovering from diets, I said: I’m just going to have that damn delicious oatmeal, banana, honey breakfast in the morning and ice cream for dessert everyday. After about a week, I thought to myself, I think I’ll have some of this left over brown rice and veggies for breakfast with a couple of eggs instead of oatmeal, and nighttime comes around when my hubby says ‘whose going ice cream fetching’, me says ‘eh, I don’t really feel like ice cream tonight, love.’

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  14. OH MY GOD! I laughed so hard I choked and nearly died (laughing)!! I couldn’t catch my breath and my stomach hurt – I lost total control!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    And yet…. the message is so deep, so profound and twisted into all this hilarity!!!!!!!!!!!!! GREAT JOB, MATT!!!! YOU ROCK!!!
    P.S. Love the “art”…. porn art, I guess…. TOOO GOOOOD!!!!!!!!!!!

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  15. Oh lordy, this is funny! And sadly, so so true…in the fake Barbie world. I never like Barbies anyways. Too hard to get the clothes on and off (that sounds really dirty after reading this post now), though it was worth it for Peaches and Cream Barbie.

    I want Refractometer Barbie.

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  16. Side splitting funny yet deadly serious. Great post.

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  17. Bold, confronting, hilarious & true. Great article!

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  18. This is a funny thread, but it begs a question. Why did Barbie get into this shape? Sure, I understand that she started eating vegan and then even started sticking her finger down her throat after the Tofu salad she had for lunch. But what about the psychological/spiritual dimensions to this? My point is that the solution is PROBABLY not going to be just getting her to load her Malibu lunch tray with Hostess Twinkies and pasta, though that might help some. Eating vegan, low fat is an EFFECT, not a CAUSE. Or if it is a cause, it’s not the initial cause.

    Quite frankly I suspect that most people (including yours truly) got into weird diets for some f*cked up psychological/spiritual reason. I use the word, “spiritual” in the broadest possible terms. I basically mean how you’ve come to terms with life and death. I guess our technology gives us the illusion that we can escape the sting of death and illness. This illusion leads us to a neurotic obsession with avoiding the two, so much so that the obsession paradoxically, ends up diminishing our life. I see this morbid paranoia about disease everywhere. For example, here at work, it’s funny to see people exit the restroom. To wash their hands there is this whole ritual they go through. They turn on the knobs to the sink using their elbows to avoid the contamination that might occur if they touched with their hands. Then they dry their hands with a paper towel and use the same paper towel to open the door (again, to avoid contamination). Funny thing is that the first time I eve saw this happen was in the movie about Howard Hughes, the germaphobe billionaire. Life imitating art? And what about those funny cowboy-hat paper thingies that you cover the toilet lid with? Sure, that’s going to prevent some bug from going up your ass. You can’t make this sh*t up. It should be apparent the relationship with diet. I mean, we all want to stay healthy as possible, but there comes a point of diminishing returns, and once you go beyond that, you actually accomplish the opposite results…it becomes very unhealthy.

    While we are on the subject, I am thinking about this psycho-spiritual dimension in relationship to the addition of sugar back in the diet. Don’t get me wrong. I agree it’s good to add sugar back in, but there is, I believe, the possibility of self-deception here. There is such a thing as becoming a sugarholic in my opinion. Eating sugar because your body needs it is one thing. Eating sugar (or some other comfort food) for pleasure to distract yourself from problems going on in your life seems to me a real possibility. On the surface of it, the two behaviors might be indistinguishable. It’s just something to keep in mind amidst this new romance with sugar. The tie-in between this and Barbie’s anorexia is that we should keep in mind that there are more than strictly physiological considerations when it comes to eating disorders. In some cases that might be more apparent than others. Barbie’s anorexia might be rather clear-cut, to an outsider at least. Eating mass-quantities of sugar might not be so clear-cut. In one case, it might be good and a sort of biological imperative. In another, something insidious.

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    • All things in moderation? Even life expectancy?

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    • Just an interesting side note here: Some of the most ancient spiritual traditions revered food items like milk and honey for heightened enlightenment. Then later, came the idea of the exclusion of food items for a more “spiritual” focus–such as meat. Eating disorders have been around a long time… Barbie is not the first girl on the block to try it out.

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    • Yep. The BRAIN is the MASTER (regulator)

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    • I blame Barbie’s mother. And if she is anything like my mother, Barbie is going to need an exorcist.

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    • I agree with you on sugar. I’ve been eating a lot of it recently and feel that it really just masks a lot of my issues (depression and anxiety) rather than helping me deal with the root problems.

      I’ve also been working on my emotional and mental health more, and interestingly, I notice a rise in body temperature as I do. My temp tends to lower as I worry and overthink things, and rise as I deal with the root issue causing the worry.

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    • Psychotherapy was absolutely central to my eating disorder recovery. Some of it can be traced back to societal pressures, etc., but at the end of the day the key is what’s going on in the family. Most ED patients have serious family issues. I sure did, and horrible self-esteem as a result. Getting proper food was one component, but dealing with my emotional issues was the key to healing.

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    • @Thomas Seay Maybe that’s the case for most people here with their ‘weird diets’ wanting to improve lifespan,health etc., I wish it were the case for me.
      I came upon Paleoish eating bc I somehow ‘felt’ I had to do this,bc it was what most Lymies back then advocated and bc of the food intolerance testresults. But my issues regarding food already started before,when I ended up at the regular dietician who ‘calculated’ what I needed without exercise. before that,I wasnt healthy either,compulsively cardio’ed on high intensity 5to6days a week for about an hour,yet ate whatever I loved(and turned out to be detrimental to me) and made up for it ‘in my head’ by going to the gym the day after. Like I said,lots of my current ailments already played back then,but at least I was still ‘naive&ignorant’ regarding lots of things and still be a little more able to enjoy/indulge in things.

      Now,that I’m aware/informed by so much I can’t think and act normal anymore regarding it all.
      I’m actually not afraid to die,get horible illness etc. If I hear so many people around me dealing with illnesses and other health stuff,it almost seems to be ‘normal’/being part of society to me that one should get some serious illness/health issue at one point or the other.

      Btw,you said you do Olympic Style Lifting….what does that mean?(reading so many different ‘lifting’ styles here). Is it basically lifting with very heavy weights,like on LiftBigEatBig? How many times a week do you do that?

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  19. Hey Matt, screw Barbie, where is the new book ? Do folks who bought diet recovery get a
    discount ;-) At least give the name of the book and a sneak peak or something.

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    • The book is going to be called Eat for Heat. It’s done, just waiting on a few logistics (like web developer being on vacation). It’s mostly about achieving a net warming effect from meals by taking in a net hypertonic solution with the combination of your food and fluids. It will be priced at $9.99 for everyone.

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  20. Hi Matt! This is OT on this thread but I have tried to submit this question for a few DAYS now on the thread about “Curing hypo..” but it doesn´t work!! I don´t know why so I try to post it here instead….Hope you don´t mind! I don´t know where else to reach you!

    Here I go again…=
    I read an interview on Outsmart Disease with a Tom Brimeyer who claims to have the solution to curing hypothyroidism….
    Since the program was quite expensive, 97 dollars on discount – and normally about 200 dollars more – I just wanted to ask you if you know anything about this person and his method before I go ahead and order this. I´m not able to work so my economy is awful and 97 dollars is A LOT of money to me so I just wanted to ask you first if you know anything about this….? (Seems to be a lot of hypothyroid-plans out there and they all claim to have the solution to fixing hypothyroidism so I´m a bit confused…..)

    I have bought 2 of your e-books and I have learned soooo much but I´m still very interested in this Tom Brimeyers program since it´s targetet directly to curing hypothyroidism. I have hypo type 2 myself….And I have gotten a little bit better by roughly following your suggestions but I still feel that maybe I have to change certain things to fully recover, but I´m not exactly sure what to change so I thought that this program might just be the answer..there seems to be a more detailed plan on exactly how to eat and so on.

    This is the interview =

    http://outsmartdisease.com/hypothyroidism-treatment-that-works/

    This is Tom Brimeyers commercial and offer =

    http://www.hypothyroidismrevolution.com/

    What do you think, Matt?
    Best regards from a chilly swedish girl :-)

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    • Tom and I are friends on Facebook. I don’t remember many direct communications between the two of us though. Looks like mostly a rebranding of Peat. I’m sure it’s good. Obviously there are some differences between his approach and mine, but some strong similarities too.

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    • Cammi, I am not Matt and you didn’t ask for my opinion, but I will give it anyway :)
      Let’s see he is charging ONLY 97 dollars and being so generous as to not charge two hundred dollars more. Oldest marketing trick in the world. I read the interview and saw his website. They have “gimmick” written all over them. If I were you, I’d try the free or near free information out there first, before spending your money, especially if you don’t have a lot to spend these days. I suspect this guy is MUCH LESS KNOWLEDGEABLE than Ray Peat and even Ray Peat’s recommendations about T3 are, in my opinion, borderline irresponsible. I say this because I noticed him touting a similar (or at least the perceived) line as that espoused by Peatians (and others) on T3. I don’t know, but I would say STAY WAY from it. Looks like a scam to me. If it’s at all effective (or maybe even if it’s not) you should be able to find a community of people who have used it who can tell you how to implement his protocol. Then, if it’s at all effective, you can go sit at the master’s feet.

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  21. Does loosing weight ALWAYS result in a drop of metabolism if it’s not spontaneous? I don’t think you have to be extreme to get in shape. To me it seems like losing weight is ok when you don’t use extreme measures. For example, in the past I’ve done 15 minute workouts 6 days a week and had really good results with no rebound weight gain or any other negative affects that I can think of (15 min intervals 3 days and 15 min heavy weight lifting 3 days). I also wasn’t too crazy on my diet but I did try to cut down sweets. Does watching what you eat always lead to negative consequences? I think I just feel a little paranoid being “healthy” now. I think if I don’t eat enough sweets, fats, etc. or if I work out that I will cause my metabolism to drop.

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    • Hey Sara,
      Only restricting caloric intake to lose weight causes your metabolism to drop.

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      • Restricting as in knowingly restricting, or unknowingly restricting as well? Knowingly restricting has an awful impact on the body, but what if eating to apetite daily and the (estimated, since you dont count) total amount of kcal probably is way less than you need. Like, ive taken up thaiboxing again, really hard training. I havent gotten hungrier, although ive gotten a bit more tired than usual, but nt sleepy tired. Related for sure, but will it eff up my metabolism?

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        • restriction is restriction. does not matter if you are precise in your restriction or not, counting or estimating. don’t even estimate just eat to appetite
          It’s the same exact thing, if you are hungrier and don’t eat more regardless how not eating enough occurs you are restricting.

          Best thing is to eat right after hard training instead of being “high” off the workout and blunting the hunger while fasting a few hours. I go into detail here http://www.chiefrok.com/blog/?p=423 on physical output needing to match input as well as how you go about it. hope that helps.

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          • I always take vitargo and bcaa immediately following workouts, in that way i dont have to force foods down my pipehole immediately when i come home :) and i always, always eat to apetite. Funny is, exercise just doesnt make me want to rape the fridge anymore like it used to. Im not complaining, not thinking about food is awesome. I just dont want to unknowingly starve myself. But as long as i get pwo and eat to apetite i should be fine, then? ^_^

          • I get so so confused…. so restricting lowers metabolism but weight loss is burning more calories then you eat… so wouldnt that be like restricting anyway?? This is where all these eat more too lose weight diets confuse me to no end…

        • @Mags How cool that you do Thai Boxing! I always secretly wanted to start learning MMA,though I’m not a violent person at all……and don’t really look forward to getting my face smashed;)

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  22. Just wondering if the author is a tad too biased towards slim ladies? Stating facts about anorexia is one thing. Doing it in digusting graphic forms is quite another. Is the author a fat lady to begin with? Or has relatives or BFFs who are fat??

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  23. Love this post.

    I have a question about a friend of mine who has a long list of hypothyroid symptoms and who is on some type of antidepressant as of several years, mostly for stomach problems and anxiety. She desperately wants to get off the medications but each attempt has failed so far. Apparently she’s trying again at the moment, and because I’m worried she might fail I thought I’d ask for some advice here from those of you who have been through it. When she returns to the medication, it’s usually because her stomach can’t handle being off of them. I have another friend who also has been on happy pills and when she tried weaning herself, she developed a weird vision problem (couldn’t see anything directly in front of her because of a big spot) that resolved only once she was back on the drugs. So I know there are dangers with quitting and esp cold turkey (which my friend is not doing), and in light of that, I’d like to be able to offer her some helpful tips on how to minimize any severe complication. I’ve already told her about this site and HED, not sure she’s implemented any of those suggestions though. Good thing is she’s never been on any diet, and still happily eats dairy, gluten, carbs and protein. But like with me, she tends to go hungry for too long every day, not eating until later in the day.

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    • Hi, I can only offer my own experience – I weaned myself off SSRI’s a year ago, and it was a difficult process. After being off the meds I suffered lots of stomach problems and trouble eating in general.
      It wasn’t until I removed gluten that I started to feel some kind of mental shift and some (not all) of my depression and anxiety went away.
      Then I cut dairy, and started the GAPS diet which made me worse in many ways.
      I’m still struggling, but I feel that cutting gluten at least made some positive changes for me mentally. Maybe it was suppressing my thyroid, who knows.

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  24. Brilliant…send this to everyone you know! Hopefully we’ll see a change in societal values before more lives are destroyed by this horrible disease.

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  25. <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 So funny haha. :D Oh right and sad. :(

    Reply

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