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I was perusing the kid aisles at Target today with a 7-year old.  She loves Barbie.  We strolled down the aisle, just the two of us.  She mentioned her love of Barbie.  I asked her if she wanted to know a little secret about Barbie.  She said yes.  I told her Barbie makes herself throw up after everything she eats and that her teeth fell out from all the barf acid.  It went way over her head, like most things I say.  I didn’t really say it for her amusement anyway.  There was a decent looking girl within earshot.  But the experience reminded me of all the inside information that I have about Barbie that few others possess.  Today… I tell all.

Yes it’s true.  Barbie’s teeth were worn down to little nubs by all the stomach acid she has bathed them in.  She had to get Veneers.  And she is obviously bulimic.  The exclusive photo I have included of her in the act of purging speaks volumes.  She has also been known to use laxatives frequently when her esophagus is too swollen and inflamed to puke.  All this hard dieting has made her exceptionally prone to drug and alcohol abuse as well, not to mention her heightened fixation on food that often leaves her ripping through 30 cookies at one sitting as opposed to the one or two that it takes to satisfy a normal person.

Barbie may look like a fun girlfriend to some.  She sure as hell managed to lure in Ken with all her glamour and confidence, her style and popularity.  But the truth is that Barbie, with her extreme dieting and full-fledged eating disorder, has absolutely no sex drive whatsoever.  Poor thing.  The last time she menstruated Lite Brites were flying off the shelf. 

There was a brief time when she went to numerous fertility doctors, got all jacked up on hormones that she was low in such as progesterone, and for a time became pregnant.  But not for long.  Even with all the hormone supplementation she still had a miscarriage shortly after Pregnant Barbie was released.  They had to recall those bitches.  She’s been so sexually inactive since that her vagina actually closed shut and a layer of skin grew over her entire crotch – rendering her genderless.

After decades of dating Barbie, Ken had such severe sexual frustration that he castrated himself.  It happened one day when he was secretly masturbating to the sex scene in Team America for the 873rd time.  He just couldn’t take it anymore.  Like a mailman with a big hole in his courier bag, he’s got no package to deliver.  The negative effects of Barbie’s eating disorder don’t just hurt Barbie.  They hurt Ken.

Fortunately Ken can still function without his testes.  Like most male Malibu residents, Ken takes huge doses of testosterone and goes in daily for a growth hormone injection.  Problem solved.  He’ll be rocking his 4-pack abs well into his 70’s, sort of a Dr. Jeffry Life action figure if you will.

Still, that’s not much solace for Ken, as he has to live and mingle with Barbie, and there’s still much about Barbie that you don’t see from outside of the box.  Barbie’s eating disorder has made her quite mad.  She has strong OCD tendencies and at times is an emotionally irrational scorpion of a woman.  Plus, the love in their relationship is gone.  Barbie, who has to urinate constantly from her impaired osmoregulation, pees in front of Ken casually.  Strangely, despite peeing around Ken like it’s no big deal, she refuses to let him watch her eat, and actually forces him to leave the room whenever she has a “meal.”

And no, she’s not pooping in that scene I assure you.  Barbie hasn’t had a bowel movement on her own for years.  She gets a colonic once a week just to get things moving, but is extremely backed up.  Food sits in her stomach like a brick.  Got gastroparesis?

Yet another tragic secret is that Barbie has all kinds of weird things going on with luteinizing hormone (LH) and follicle stimulating hormone (FSH).  With these things being dysregulated, not only is she failing to menstruate, but she is now producing excess testosterone.  She’s lost hair in all the right places (well, right place – her head), and is growing hair in all the wrong places – her arms, back, and face.  She doesn’t go in for a monthly Brazilian, but a monthly Chewbaccian.

So you see, Barbie is not as beautiful as most people think.  She is ugly both on the inside and the outside.  Her life is not one to be envied.  No amount of toys and boys can make someone in this extreme state of emotional and physical distress happy.  Well, not consistently happy at least.  She does have frequent outbursts of irrational joy and hopefulness, but that comes with the bipolar tendencies that living on a biochemical rollercoaster creates.

Anyway, I started working with her recently and have got her using a refractometer to keep her urine concentration more stable, and have encouraged her to eat freely of refined, sugary and starchy wheat and dairy products that she’s been avoiding on her gluten-free low-carb no-fructose raw Paleo vegan low salt macrobiotic Primal Warrior diet.  She’s not necessarily on that diet all the time mind you, she just convinces herself of one of the above logic sets every few hours, and by dinner time is usually on her 3rd or 4th diet.

Hopefully these things help and help quickly.  Her bone density is so low that kids are confusing her for Gumby.  And she’s been looking a little prematurely aged as well.   

Please share any advice you have for Barbie, or scandalous rumors that you’ve heard about her too.  May the truth be known so that the next generation of females gets past this naïve belief that a better life is awaiting you at a lower number on the scale.