How to Recover from a Breakup or Divorce

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By Matt Stone

It was the fall of 2010.  I came home limping from a men’s softball game – one of my rare appearances out of the house and wearing something besides my pajamas at the time, to a girl sniffling and wiping her eyes out on the patio.  “Matt, you are the funniest, smartest, best-looking son of a gun I ever met.  But I don’t think I’m in love with you anymore.”

Okay, maybe I embellished a little bit on that quote.

It was sudden, out of the blue, and stung.  The great Matt Stone, savior of the universe, king of the impossible… dumped?  This couldn’t be.

I was completely heartbroken and devastated that this mediocre relationship had comed to a halt, and I did what any human does in a situation like this – I immediately transformed this uninspiring, nearly-sexless, stale, oppressive, competitive, and at times nasty relationship into a tragic love story in my head.  Oh my darling, my love, why hath thou forsaken me?

You know how it goes right?  That person that you wake up to every morning who makes you feel like a piece of soggy bread, looks kind of good but not really, is fun to spend time with sort of, and, for all practical purposes, is basically the person you consult with when choosing a Netflix movie to watch and little else… As soon that person dumps you they are instantly Romeo, Juliet, Harold, Maude… Your relationship is something out of a fairy tale as well.  Of course, the first love scene I think of is Mick walking on top of people’s heads to get to Sue in an NYC subway to get to each other.  “Tell heem don leave. She’s not gon marry Richard!” (second being Catarina and Arturo of course… “Tell my mother I’ll call her! Aaah!”)

Yes, that’s right.  When something is taken away from us unexpectedly, without us having a say in it, our minds have a tendency to distort reality – making things out to be a lot more positive and wonderful than they really were, in turn making your present life feel flooded with loss.  And that brings us to what should be the first step that anyone takes when trying to deal with the stress, loss, hurt, and turmoil of a breakup…

1. Harness the power of negative thinking.

It’s too cliche to just “think positive.”  Your mind will resist it anyway.  It’s only easy to be positive when you are happy!  Negative thinking is much easier in this situation.  Sit down, with some paper and  a pen ideally, and write ALL the things you didn’t like about the relationship in excruciating detail.  It shouldn’t be hard.  The day or maybe even the hour before you received the crushing news that you were being dumped you were probably thinking about it.  It was the breakup that caused amnesia.  Just go back and remember all the things that you secretly and not-so-secretly bitched about.  When I went through this exercise I kept going and going with negatives for hours – all the way down to things as specific as hating the bed we slept on, until I was laughing about my initial “I just… can’t… go… on” reaction to the breakup.

It won’t take long before you stop romanticizing your relationship and the person you had it with, and you start feeling a sense of RELIEF come over you.  You daydreamed about the many things you could be doing with your life if it wasn’t for your relationship for years.  You’ve just been released from prison!  It’s your big second chance to reinvent yourself, and your life, in alignment with what you really want to be and do.  It’s great.  It’s like finding out a low-carb diet wasn’t the answer to all your health problems and that you can, in fact, go ahead and have a toasted English muffin smothered with strawberry preserves for breakfast instead of your 927th consecutive egg breakfast.  After all, diet are like girlfriends.

2. Get into new beginning mode.

Once you’ve stopped having delusional thoughts about how perfect your relationship was, it’s time to start thinking about new possibilities and realities for your life that you haven’t visited in a long while.  You could move to a new place (I moved right by the beach).  You could work on a new career.  You could spend time with your friends and family.  You could travel.  Regardless of the situation, how much money you do or don’t have and so forth, new beginnings are new beginnings.  They are exciting.  Plus, the best aspect of it all is that you can touch whomever’s pee-pee that you like.  It doesn’t take seeing too many hot assess to start seeing the opportunity that your failed relationship has left “behind.”  I scored me one of those girls Rick James sings about only 4-5 months after the breakup.

3. Fantasize about OPPP

Yep, there’s no better coping mechanism for a breakup than intently thinking about other people’s private parts.  Hey, since we are humans and our minds distort reality so well, why not have delusional romantic fantasies about someone else to replace the delusional romantic fantasies you are having about the departed?

Anyway, I could go on entertaining down that avenue for quite some time.  There are two main points to this post, and they are no joke…

The first is that our minds and emotions are pretty silly, and I think most people take them far too seriously.  Our minds bounce around all over the damn place from one irrational state to another – sometimes overly positive, hopeful, and excited about life, at other times irrationally negative, fearful, angry, and sad.  That’s part of being human and is TOTALLY OKAY.  But we don’t have to be so freakin’ reactionary to our temporary, fleeting emotional states.  I mean seriously, how many times have you felt life as you know it could not go on but were laughing a half hour later?  The bottom line is that our minds play tricks on us in a sense, with our emotions hopping around trying to keep up.  When you have strong emotions about something, try to think some neutralizing thoughts for crying out loud (pun, yes!) instead of contuining to create a 50-car pileup of all the horrible things in life at once.  Being back in a balanced, serene, peaceful, and neutral state is usually only a few perspective-altering thoughts away.

The second reason I wrote this post is that stresses like breakups, divorce, lost loved ones, and countless other NORMAL human experiences can undermine our health like nothing else can (assuming you’re eating enough of course).  If you truly let yourself believe that a breakup was a horrible thing, and keep believing that your life was great and then was savagely torn away from you, you will forever live with low-grade stress weighing your whole body and mind down in a very real and significant physiological way.  Cry, wail, moan, groan, scream, and stomp for a while sure.  That actually helps to dissipate stressful emotions.  But don’t continue on for months and years tricking yourself into thinking that this breakup was a catastrophic event in your life with no upside.  A breakup is an opportunity.  It takes away a few things we liked, sure, but it brings us new things and experiences and people and later feels like no big whoop.

Hopefully this post will speed you along towards reaching the ‘no big whoop’ phase.  For health/happiness.

79 Comments

  1. Nice sequence. Masectomy, break up..
    First!

    Reply
  2. Second! That’s the closest I’ll ever get to first! :)

    Reply
  3. Best thing you’ve ever written. Where where you 20 years ago when I was crying my eyes out over my lyin’, cheatin’ husband? BTW, I’ve moved on.

    Reply
  4. Third…I’m losing my touch :(

    Reply
  5. Rats :(

    Reply
  6. Just don’t read the DSM or go to a psychiatrist or you’ll be diagnosed with bi-polar or Relationship Breakup Syndrome or something and prescribed psych drugs. Great writing btw! :)

    Reply
  7. The things we allow to stress us emotionally and in our thoughts changes our bodies. Under stress, the body is shifted into “Fight or Flight”, and any bodily needs, other than enabling you to escape or win a battle, are suppressed until the stress is gone.
    So if you stress out, your metabolism, which isn’t necessary when running away from a predator, is slowed down to give your muscles the energy to run away. The bottom line (literally and figuratively) is: Get rid of the stress, or you might find yourself gaining weight!
    Yes, relationships are like trains- if you miss one, another one will come along!

    Reply
    • how would you completely free yourself of stress? my problem is that I have very few stressors in my life (lucky me, I am very grateful) but I never manage to shake that constant little nagging discomfort. I guess it’s some kind of mild anxiety. I wish i knew how to cope and be completely relaxed

      Reply
      • I have the same problem. I’m sure its something inside me nagging me that I need to take risks and get more out of life. At 28, after 3 years of being single I guess my conscience is telling me to get off my ass and find a partner, which is a difficult proposition when all you know is how to sit around feeling anxious!

        Reply
      • You’re not going to, entirely. If you were perfectly content, you’d have no motivation to move forward and improve. Mild anxiety is part of being alive. Roll with it. Don’t let it consume you.

        Reply
  8. Also note the movie references in the post – as these movie fantasies are often part of the problem, making us think that real life is like that somehow, or measuring up our relationships to dramatic, tear-jerking stories.

    Reply
    • Ah yes, the movies! My favourite one for implauably cheesy love stories is “Love, actually”. Class!

      Reply
    • I have noticed that in previous generations, people used movies as an outlet from their reality by entering a fantasy for a couple of hours. Now, there is a tendency for people to use the fantasy in movies and other media to recreate their realities with predictably tragic results.

      Reply
    • Movies, TV and hollywood in general is responsible for alllll kinds of screwed up programming in the minds of people. They call it “Television PROGRAMMING” for a reason…

      Reply
  9. i like the work of byron katie. don’t consider her a guru or take her technique to weird limits!

    her questions and turn-around help my thoughts let go of me when i am stressed.

    statement: “i can’t live w/out her!”
    is it true? absolutely true? how do i react when i think that thought? who would i be without the thought?

    and then the turn around(s)…
    “i can’t live WITH her” “she can’t live without ME”…
    are they just as true (or more true?)?

    Reply
    • Is that you, Mrs. Nightly?

      Reply
      • sorry, don’t get the reference! sorry if i’m being thick, i’m fabulously out of touch.

        Reply
        • No worries…your screen name resembles someone I know from elsewhere, that’s all. :)

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  10. hahaha epic laughed my arse off. Nice one Stone.

    You had me at hello.

    Oh do I hate that movie.

    Reply
      • Haha nice!

        You complete me.

        …get ready for the worst, sexless, addictive, controlling and blaming relationship of all time.

        RUUUUNNNNNN!!!!!!!!

        Reply
        • RUN FOREST, RUN!

          Reply
          • Chewie get us outta here!!!

  11. A bit cynical but not so far off the mark . . .

    When I filed for divorce (prompted by domestic violence) I remember dancing in the house and feeling lighter and more free than I had in 26 years. It was a long, miserable divorce. It’s been 10+ years. I’m remarried and living a very different life.

    Divorce isn’t one-sided. I would be remiss if I didn’t take responsibility for my part in the discourse. I’ve learned many things about myself since and have much more to overcome and learn. Taking responsibility rather than feeling victimized is what truly set me free.

    Have a great life ; )

    Reply
  12. It’s kinda creepy though, when you realize you can kind of get over anything if you just allow yourself.

    I dated this one guy for a summer, and there was an expiration date on the relationship from the get go. For starters, he was a Republican and I was vehemently not. And he was going to law school to be a corporate lawyer, which I thought was hideous. And he was straight edge. Which I was not. I liked arguing with him, he was really smart and he was incredibly good looking. Summer lovin, had me a blast. So then he’s getting ready to ship off back to school and suddenly, I go crazy. Calling him from pay phones while driving around, barely being able to see the road through my tears. My god, did I fall in love with this guy??? After an embarrassing visit to see him a mere few weeks into the semester where he tried his darndest to hide a new relationship which had apparently blossomed just days before my scheduled arrival, I realized that no, I did not love him. I barely liked him, just like I thought from the start. I’ve just seen too many fucking movies. Nice post.

    Reply
    • Sounds like you’re better at detaching yourself than me. I don’t care how beautiful a woman were, if she told me she were a Republican and going to study Corporate law, I wouldn’t be able to get it up :) There was a woman at my former workplace, very physically beautiful, who told a fellow worker she was interested in me. I stopped by her office and had a chat. Sounding like a good-ole middle-class person she told me how homeless people were all faking it and were probably all millionaires, or at least owned a home (in the San Francisco Bay Area? Dream on). Total turn-off.

      However, to the point, you weren’t in love with him, but if you had been in love with him, would you have been able to get over it so easily? I doubt it, but you may tell me differently. Obviously we’re all different.

      Reply
      • No, I wasn’t detached. I was amused by him and tortured by him all at the same time. I like a challenge and a fight and like I said, I only entertained him because I knew the relationship had an expiration date on it. By the way, now he’s a professional gambler who smokes and drinks and could care less about corporations or Republicans. What a trip life is.

        Right, I was not in love with him. I’m not entirely sure what love is, but I think I’ve experienced a few different brands of it. Only once was I ever consumed by the kind where you would rather die than live without that person, and that was someone I met when I was 14. We talked yesterday, and frankly, I’m not sure I’ll ever be entirely over him, even though there are plenty of good reasons for me to be. Firstly, he’s gay! Ha. But even in the midst of the all-consuming drama that was our relationship, I would be amazed to find that life was still moving on around me and I could jump in and be a part of it whenever I so chose. There were other guys to have crushes on and friendships to make and a whole rest of the universe to engage myself in whenever I wanted. Not always easy, but always an option.

        I don’t think we should avoid relationships that bowl us over, I don’t think we should remain detached, I don’t think we should go sleep with other people the second a relationship ends as a means of moving on. But I think it’s comforting to know that wherever a relationship takes you, and however deep or hard you may fall, the rest of the world will still be there to take you back when it’s over. You can mourn and piss and cry over it and feel the loss deeply. But the sun will still rise, the rain will still fall and the flowers will still bloom. You’re welcome to sniff ‘em.

        Reply
      • One word. Angry Sex. You can screw the ultra right wingedness out of someone. Well, maybe no, but it’s sure fun to try!!!

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        • He was an atheist Republican, he had no qualms with morality and sex. No qualms with morality and anything, basically. He was actually really fucking strange, looking back. Strange, but hot!

          Reply
  13. Also, stay away from bullies. The good ones deliberately press your stress buttons so that they can have it over you without lifting a finger.

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  14. Good timing. Read this then got fired from my job. Sure will be a bitch to find a new one in this economy, but it’s not hard to think of things I hated about teaching at a fundamentalist Christian school.

    Reply
  15. The funny thing about endings is that the person ending it has the “power”. It only hurts if you’re the one getting dumped; if YOU are ending it, you barely give it a second thought. I advise that if you feel relationship is on thin ice, be the one to end it;even if you don’t want to–it’ll save you months(years?) of wasted longing…

    Reply
  16. also, you need to have your priorities straight.

    you know what my type is?

    someone who adores me.

    life is much better when you don’t try to fight an uphill battle.

    Reply
  17. Thank god for women, without them there would be no cookies.

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  18. I don’t know about the OPPP part. I think that is what gets a lot of people going down the road of a long string of bad relationships. Because when the focus is on that people end up getting with someone for lust at the expense of finding the person that they can spend their life with. It takes a lot of soul searching and some would say prayer ( me), to figure out what you need and then not settle for anything less, and it takes being able to get to know a person, what kind of character they’ve got and what their interests and priorities are. I was stuck in a vicious cycle of bad relationships that ended for years until I decided to stop dating. I’m not saying that is for everyone but its what it took for me because when I dated people I’d always end up sleeping with them and then it would turn out to be a bad fit in every other way. But once you go down the sex road and then have to break it off it hurts because that’s how we’re designed. There are hormones secreted during sex that create bonding. That is why it is painful even if the relationship is bad. We are designed that way so that any offspring from the relationship will have both parents around and have the best chance of survival. Studies have shown that happily married people live longer and have better health. Being in a committed, loving and stable family or marriage rather than alone is much healthier. I would venture a guess that promiscuity and serial relationships and marriages do the opposite

    Even finding the best person for you, it is important to know that no one is perfect and there are times that are hard. The truth is we are all selfish people who are prone to do things that are wrong and hurt others. I believe that the only thing that has allowed me to find the right person as well as be the right person and stay together and have things get better has been that my husband and I are both Christians and are both deeply committed to the bible as the manual for our marriage. Number one rule is that we are totally committed and divorce is not an option. Sometimes you feel in love sometimes you don’t so much and there is no one you are always going to feel that way about all the time. If you try to find that you’ll never stay with anyone. Number two the bible teaches us both to love each other sacrificially and to focus on giving rather than getting. It teaches us not to be selfish and demanding and unrealistic but instead to focus on caring for the other, putting our trust in god who knows our needs and provides for all of them to see that we are cared for. Another biblical command to couples is not to deprive one another of sex so they are not tempted to go outside the relationship to get some. What that means is that unless I’m really sick or in serious pain I need to take care of my man whether I am in the mood or not. When I do this I am loving him sacrificially. When we follow the things in the bible our marriage is good. We aren’t perfect and sometimes we point out to each other if we’re not doing what we should. We both really believe In it and want to do it even though at first we may get annoyed or defensive on being confronted. We always listen to one another and take it to heart.

    I was stuck in the serial relationship trap, always eventually getting dumped or dumping someone. That didn’t change until I became a Christian and decided to trust God to show me the right person and stopped dating and sleeping around, and then followed the bible as my guidebook for marriage which mainly teaches how to love one another and get beyond selfishness and immaturity. My husband and I have been married for twenty years and it just gets better. I realize that there is a high divorce rate among Christians but it is because they aren’t really following the bible not because it doesn’t work.

    I’m sorry if you are hurting in the relationship department Matt. I think your best bet to find someone who will really love you and be committed to you is to find a good God fearin bible following woman. I don’t mean someone who says they are a christian but who really ignores a lot and just does what they want, i.e. a hypocrite.

    Reply
    • I think there is a lot of truth in your writing Lisa. I’m not a christen. A few years ago here in holland a book was written called : The myth of the romantic dream (or love), something like that. In an interview (I didn’t read teh book) the writer said that this myth was on of the reasons on the background of many divorces and break-ups… Not that breaking up in itself is the problem,.. but the myth is the problem.. Living with the myth coming from songs or movies combined with just our emotions (evolution-breeding emotions) for the first XX months of a new relation… The writer wrote that arranged marriages do as good as chosen marriages (romantic). The reason is that the two parts of the arranged marriage know from the beginnign that it needs work… They start from no-love.. The free married people think believe in the myth and don’t have a task in mind… They take love for granted.. as forever… But hormones are going down as natural and love takes another shape… Every relation has to deal with that… Seeing this as an end to a relation… Taking up a new honymoon of feelings that will go down naturally again….

      That’s why we had those rituals of marriing, christian commands to guide us or the community.. But now in the “free” world we don’t want that anymore and need to cope with a lot of breaking ups !! Who said the world would get better in time !!! That’s another myth… haha

      Matt, your girlfriend took your diet-approach litterally !!! 180 degree turn !!! Loll . I can say that now,,,

      Reply
    • Basic
      Instructions
      Before
      Leaving
      Earth

      BIBLE

      Reply
  19. I’m surprised no one has commented on the relationship with diets that you (finally) give up. You know, the one that was going to make you the healthiest person alive? And gradually you realize that you are not feeling so great, but you don’t want to acknowledge the “the answer” really isn’t the answer. So you try quietly sneaking out…they catch you eating some carbs or fat or whatever…

    I’ve been married for over 30 years, my memories of those other relationships have faded. The meaning of love changes over time, but it is still there for us.

    Reply
  20. This is good timing for me, on the heels of a breakup. But I got to be the dumper, so I guess that’s better :-)

    I must be on the 180 wavelength because I’ve been intuitively applying some of this stuff anyway. And just enjoying being by myself and lots of time with friends. There are a million positives about getting time for yourself back after getting out of a relationship where you spend too much time dealing with/thinking about problems.

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  21. The best thing I ever did following a break-up was to act like a man and casually date as many people as I could. The experiment ended a year later when I met someone I really liked. It was a great ego boost.

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  22. Don’t get into a relationship in the first place unless you are stable to begin with. Love yourself, be okay by yourself, have hobbies, friends, and then add yourself a babe after that =)

    I like what Lisa truitt said about loving sacrificially. I have talked to my girlfriend about why people end up cheating. We both have agreed that sexual chemicals are extremely powerful and that we both need to always be there for each other with that, even if one of us is not “in the mood”.

    And why does it have to be that we sometimes let ourselves go physically when we finally get what we want? OH I KNOW! Cuz we got “sexy” and lost that “weight” in a conventional manner to find another partner but we didn’t realize we were setting ourselves up for weight gain cuz once we find a partner and relax and go out and eat great food then our bodies start putting it back like it’s designed to do =)

    One thing that bothers me sometimes is thinking about family members. I can handle break ups and stuff (god damn has it hurt in past..) but I don’t know what I’d do without my brother =/ It’s not like we’re best bros and hang out all the time, but just knowing he’s somewhere safe is good for me. Damn it life is crazy!!

    Reply
  23. Well, this was very funny, but it doesn’t work this way….unless you really didn’t care at all about the relationship in the first place (as appears to be the case in this narrative).

    Why wouldn’t, shouldn’t you feel pain over a loss? Maybe we can follow Angelina Jolie’s lead and cut out our heart to avoid this pain. Otherwise, if we are going to lead a full and authentic life, we better expect some of this type of pain, and not run away from it or sweep it under the rug.

    Reply
    • Yes, I do agree with this. I once had a devastating break-up from what was a wonderful relationship, for reasons that had nothing to do with us not being right for each other or not wanting to be together, just unfortunate life circumstances. And yes, none of Matt’s stuff would have worked at all. You are right that if you go through real loss of something great, you have to grieve.

      Even from my most recent relationship which had real issues, I am dealing with the pain of loss, because I loved him the whole way through, including the end, and I think it is a necessary part of the process and you’ve just gotta go through it. I figured Matt’s advice was to help alongside the feelings of loss.

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      • Honestly, I don’t see how Matt’s above suggestions would help at all. I don’t see how convincing your head that, “it’s all good” will do anything to mend your heart.

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        • I think it’s just adding it in, on top of acknowledging and working through the loss. Personally I felt horribly sad for awhile, but I had to remind myself of the bad stuff so that I wouldn’t try to go back. And I focused on me time, and what some good possibilities for the future were that I hadn’t been thinking about, because that had been missing for awhile, and you need something to lift the mood and hope for.

          And as for OPP, well, when you are used to the benefits of a relationship, you’ve gotta do something with the extra energy (not that I’m saying you need to act on it in real life or anything, but it’s either thinking about some new fantasy or thinking about your ex which doesn’t really help with the moving on – although I think this should happen somewhat organically, and not be forced).

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        • Thomas, you sound like someone who’s never really hurt. Sometimes the pain is so great that it goes way beyond any kind of normal grieving process. Sometimes we delude ourselves about the strength of our relationships. Matt is simply suggesting that we bring in a more balanced perspective to help us see things more clearly and assist us in moving on into the next chapter of our lives.

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          • Wrong! I am someone who’s been deeply hurt. Better to live one chapter at a time, rather than looking to move to the “next chapter.”

    • Tru dat!

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    • Hey Thomas… first, I want to say thanks for recommending Strauss ice cream. My local co-op carried one amazing, world-class flavor from Strauss (mint chocolate chip) and they are going to stock more flavors soon. I’m stoked.

      Now on to the comment…I think what Matt is getting at here is a way to get past the pain, to process it and grow from the experience. All too often, people get “stuck” on one person, and can’t move on or enjoy their life for months and months because they can’t let go of the pain of the loss.

      Of course, this is from a male perspective, and I think it’s often easier for us to “get over it and move on” after a period of mourning.

      Reply
      • So Cameron, what you’re saying here is that eating a lot of ice-cream will help you get over the hurt of an ended relationship :)

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        • Exactly :-)

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      • Cameron, IMHO, I don’t believe that it’s easier for males to “get over it”. Males give the illusion of being over it. They go on a bend or go looking for some “strange”. I am not sure that’s getting over it. Then two years later, they drunk dial the girl they are supposedly “over”, who by that time, is probably truly “over” it.

        Reply
        • Ha that is so true. I purposely let myself sink down low after a break-up because I think in the long-run it saves time and heartache. You get all the sad out first, and then things pick up.

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        • So then you’re saying I should quit drunk dialing you?

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          • Wait a minute Cameron…What is going on here? I thought I was the only one drunk-dialing The Real Amy! True, she never gave me her phone number, but I’ve got the New York City phonebook, and I’ve been dialing everyone named Amy. Sooner or later, I’ll get through.

          • Was I referring to Amy, or to you…? ;-)

          • I don’t know. BTW, why doesn’t anybody ever drunk-post here?

          • Post more, drunk or not, Thomas, and good luck working your way through all those New York Amys – how long do you think it’ll take?;) After the Angelina post and now this, on top of having my work rejected today, I need some more crazy clever outlook and laughs. For what it’s worth I’ve got a 17 year old marriage to a wonderful man and I don’t know how exactly, yes, commitment and loyalty, yes, divorce should not be an option, yes, choose carefully, put the other person first and all that … but I know I’ve also been lucky. Especially seeing as I came from a terrible relationship history. Some therapy in between I think played a big part. And having a great dad who’s also a good husband to my mom. As with health, choose your parents carefully.

          • You can send me a drunk post next time – way more convenient than the phone book method :-)

  24. Feeling of loss is present in us for all our existence. We are going to die, the people we love are going to die, everyone is going to die. When we were children, questions like that were with us daily, when the universe will end, how small i am comparing to it, i will never really see a star from near..
    Love is a primary stuff, it bring us back to naked state, the protections we have constructed painstakingly on the way to our adulthood are somehow fragile confronted with the potency
    of a raw power.
    Formulas are cool thing, maybe they will hld against a medium feeling, but again real loss?
    I doubt.
    From the distance of time all sound revelent, like the killing sentence you never
    used on the bully..
    Mourning is the only way out, you better do it properly..

    Reply
  25. Good stuff Matt!

    However, I don’t think the OPPP is constructive. Instead, think about your wants in
    life. Look for a mate that wants the same things. The parts should be secondary.
    Lust isn’t love.

    I have been married 29 year this Aug. I am very happy with my marriage.
    Early on in my marriage I was beyond happy. One day, I was reading this girly
    magazine that had a “test your happiness” test. It was designed to see how happy
    you were in your marriage. I took the test and, scored very high. We’ll being the
    girl I am, I had to have my husband take the test. He did. He scored mediocre. :/
    What a shock to my core! But, I was thankful because it opened up a dialogue
    that helped him talk about his needs in the marriage. Wow, who would have thought
    some hokey magazine test could really help your marriage. :)

    To this day we both ask the right questions and, honor each others needs.

    Advice I give to my adult children. Feelings will Fool you.

    Reply
    • Yeah, that was mostly for entertainment value. However, lack of sex was a repeated theme in every relationshiop I was ever in EVER. I was actually quite wounded over it. So yes, my priorities after breakup put sex first and it was no mistake in my case. I now have full resolution to one of the biggest preoccupations and dissatisfactions in all my life.

      Reply
      • Matt, sorry things weren’t going well in earlier
        relationships. I am happy to hear life is good
        now!

        Reply
        • It’s not that life is ever any better or worse, just different. Sex is not something I have to worry about though. As Forrest Gump said, “Well that’s good, that’s one less thing.”

          Reply
  26. Matt, Your Royal Hipness, what the hell is OPPP???

    Reply
    • Well the song OPP by Naughy By Nature was meant to stand for “Other people’s pussy” or something to that effect, but I added an extra p to make it “other people’s private parts.”

      Reply
  27. Also curious about ”lack of sex” in your relationships. What do men consider to be adequate: twice/week, everyday, 5 times/month? I had a friend who strictly adhered to twice/week with her husband – and only after all the vacuuming was done. At the time, that seemed to be on the low end for me. I was hot for my husband when our kids were little because he was such an attentive, nuturing dad. Nothing puts you in the mood for making babies (or simulation thereof) more than a guy who is good and patient with babies.

    Reply
    • I have a feeling it varies by man, but I adhere to the rule that if you find yourself filling some minimum quota or setting any sort of schedule, there’s a problem.

      Reply
      • Totally agree with Amy. If you’re having sex on a schedule, there’s something wrong. Especially if you don’t have kids.

        CCM, what are you saying? She gave him nookie only if HE did the vacuuming or that she insisted on a dust-free love den before she could get in the mood?!
        Can you imagine that shit? “Hey baby, I done vacuumed the house and even did under the couch. Now give it up. Give me some of that THANG!”

        Reply
    • It’s enough for me if we’re only having sex on days of the week that end with the letter Y.

      Reply
    • I’ve spent most of my life in the 3 times a month range. It’s not how much total sex though, it’s about having someone desire sex with you and also having your appetite satisfied. You never break a sugar addiction if you keep eating a fourth of what you desire. It just makes you crazy. But my woman’s a candy shop. She’s Willy F’n Wonka. The only downer is that she complains she isn’t getting enough haha.

      Reply
      • “I’ve spent most of my life in the 3 times a month range.”

        Matt,
        Was that due to your Vegan/All-Meat/All-Milk diets or were you secretly dating Pee Freele? LOL!

        Reply
        • Appetite for sex was like 30 times a month. At least 10-15. But no dice.

          Reply
          • One thing I really hate is how women compare themselves to other women/relationships.

            At the beginning of the relationship I’m in now, I wanted it daily, but I always heard stupid things like “It’s not normal to have sex everyday”. “I asked my girlfriends, and they said it’s normal to have sex 3 or 4 times per week”.

            Bullshit.

            Who lives their life that way? Deciding what you do based on what your idiot friends thinks is normal?

            If I were healthier, I’d still be wanting it daily. Heck, twice daily. I consider that a healthy libido for a man. And there are women who wouldn’t bat an eye at that.

            I had one girlfriend who was a little on the angry side, but it was whenever and wherever we wanted it. There was this time in a corn maze, but I digress…

  28. Yeah, it’s interesting what puts us “in the mood”. For my twice weekly friend (”that’s plenty!”), she needed to have chores done first. Had another friend who had long menstruation cycles – short ovulation – and her husband complained she was only desiring of sex “three times per year” (pretty sure he was exaggerating, but he was a funny about it.). My priority when the kids were little was that they were well-tended, so anything my husband did in that arena eased my burden, made me more relaxed, more appreciative and hotter for him.

    Reply
  29. hey matt i am sorry to hear of that. this is so off topic and i wasn’t sure wether to post it here or another article of yours. what blood type are you? is it o? cos i am wondering why you dont digest meat so well

    Reply
  30. A friend of mine had a ‘lack of sex’ thing going with wife #1 despite the fact he was a stud. He made sure he was going to resolve the issue: wife #2 is a bisexual, retired pole dancer and likes swing parties. Who said we always date the same type of person?

    Reply
  31. The part I liked best was, “Let’s still be friends!” As Sam Kennison said, “Yeah, friends. I get it. I get to be like an emotional tampon for you once a month when no one else will put up with your bullshit, but we don’t f**k, is that it?” The reply: “Yeah, that’s kind of it.”

    Guys, don’t ever fall for this crap. It is distilled selfishness. “I get what I want, but you don’t get what you want, only what I think you should want.” Which is a deep, satisfying emotion connection that never leads to you having your hands on my body.

    This doesn’t necessarily come only after a breakup. It can also be dumped on you when you are being turned down for a date. You aren’t good enough to go out with, but you are good enough to be used as the emotional tampon Sam mentioned. Just say no, guys, because once you are dropped into “friend box” you will never get out and will end up being a loyal pathetic, wienie.

    Seriously, ladies, have your ever come out with this kind of thing? Do you know how selfish it is? I’m sure you do if you are over 30. I have never gotten it from a woman with a mature understanding of her physical and emotion needs.

    Reply

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