As I scour through Richard Johnson’s The Sugar Fix, which is without question strengthening my already very strong views about the role of fructose in the development of obesity, type II diabetes, and other disorders related to insulin resistance – I couldn’t help but point out a redneck creation that finally went from joke to actuality this afternoon.
Months ago I was visiting my half brother and his family in Knoxville and came up with a vile concoction in my head – designed purely for entertainment value, as part of a hypothetical “Tennessee Diet.” I had yet to develop a name for this heinous creation, but fantasize about it at length I did.
This weekend saw the power of imagination, humor, disgust, and horror congregate and materialize into this blessed creation. Yes, I was delegated the task of providing dessert for a 50 or so person barbecue… and the Stone-Man delivered.
Yes, to many of you I would imagine, and hope, that the thought of the health-passionate, anti-sugar crusader Matt Stone creating a vile and toxic, sugar-laden dessert is somewhat shocking. But hey, you can’t just be the house on Halloween that gives out apples instead of candy. Remember the awful loathing you felt for that house and the residents therein? Remember intentionally throwing eggs and perpetrating other kinds of vandalism in retaliation? I sho do. That’s jus how we wuz brought up whar I come frum. You either put out with some Snickers, Twix, Starbursts, or peanut butter cups or you get a clear message that your candy selection is, and was, unsatisfactory. Even staples such as candy corn toed the line of that which commanded communication.
So yes, instead of being the health geek, and serving up, say, a creamy cheese with a few slices of pears – I went to the opposite extreme, laughing myself nearly to tears as I put this together. Brace yourself. Those with a weak stomach should stop reading here…
I call this white trash creation, simply, and poetically –
In Bread Pudding (as in in-bred)
How is it made?
1) First you get yourself some glazed doughnuts. I originally hoped for Krispy Kremes, the only fully approved doughnut for the “Tennessee Diet,” but those ain’t easy to come by where I live.
2) Then you cut them there doughnuts up into large chunks and spread ‘em out onto a Pyrex baking dish – filling the pan at least half way.
3) Next you make a basic custard out of 1 quart whole milk, 4 whole eggs, and a cup of white sugar. Go ahead now. Mix it all up. Add a dash of vanilla too.
4) Pour the custard over them doughnuts. That may sound frightening enough, but we’re just getting started.
5) Meanwhile, pour a 3-liter bottle of Dr. Pepper into a wide-mouthed pot (for quicker evaporation). Bring it to a boil and let it evaporate all the way down to a thick, molasses-like syrup. Woo buddy!
6) While the Dr. is in the “operating room,” remove 10 Twinkies from their individual pouches. Slice them in half lengthwise, lay them down cream-up over the custard/doughnuts like you would ladyfingers for making Tiramisu (this could also form an offshoot dessert called “Twinkiemisu”).
7) Pack the Twinkies down real good, letting a little bit of the custard ooze into them – moistening them up real nice.
8) Cover with foil and bake at 350 Degrees F for, I dunno, 75 minutes let’s say.
9) At the very end, pour the Dr. Pepper syrup over the concoction (when the Doc is finally reduced all the way to a syrup).
10) The final step is to cover the whole thing (once it has cooled and set), with a solid layer of white sugar and “brulee” the top under the broiler on high until a crispy crust of molten sugar forms.
11) Slice into squares and serve to some people who have just enough common sense to know that such a dessert is extremely unhealthy, but not so much that they shriek in horrified disgust and refuse to touch it.
12) Intentionally try to deter and frighten the potential consumers of your In Bread Pudding by telling them the horrific list of ingredients, the preparation, and disclose the name “In Bread Pudding,” to create an association with eating such fare and birth defects – which, as we know, is absolute reality.
13) Observe who eats it, make fun of how sick they feel after they eat it – like you just pranked them really hard, then perpetually harass them every time you see them for the rest of their lives about eating that “redneck, white trash, sister-humping pile of edible Nascar.”
14) If anyone asks you if you tried it or “how’s it taste?” emphatically state that you “ain’t eatin’ that shit if my life depended on it – which it might!”
I guarantee that this is a more powerful way of getting a point across than being the party-pooper prude that insists that sugar is not healthy. Nobody likes a health geek, including myself. Instead, you can give unhealthy food a strong negative connotation – pairing it with something no one of class wants to be – a junk-munching, backwoods, redneck, classless pile of excrement. Meanwhile, you give them exactly what they want and you absolutely laugh your ass off during the entire preparation.
In other news, I visited someone in a hospital today – my first visit to a hospital in many, many years. At the snack bar the special of the day was a “Coconut Mocha.” Then I heard a nurse request a “Strawberry Jello parfait” for a patient. As a bonus, two nurses told me I “gotta get my Hepatitis vaccines.” I told them (in my head), “I did retards, it was the sickest I’ve ever been in my life. I even had to go to the hospital to undergo tests to explain all the mysterious liver pains and what not. Within the next year I began redeveloping allergies, asthma, and had back pains that I’ve spent the last decade battling.”
Now that’s good business – good enough to help bankrupt an entire nation via a $30 trillion Medicare impending debt burden as the first wave of unimaginably ill baby boomers crashes like a Tsunami.