5 Reasons to Take Away Her Salad

By Matt Stone

Guys, don’t let your wife or girlfriend eat salad.  Or 100-calorie snack bars.  Or even that Special K stuff.

Over the last 40 years the dieting mentality has managed to work its way into the DNA of the human female.  It’s hardwired from birth.  Whether this self-starvation programming comes from actual physical strands of genetic material is unknown.  I have my suspicions that Jenny Craig put her own self-replicating DNA into some genetically-modified strain of Arugula.  And since the female body is more than 50% water, and most of that water comes from the water-rich bagged and washed mixed field greens she buys by the case at Costco, well, that means your wife or girlfriend is more than 50% Jenny.

And it shows.  The evidence is abundant.

So let’s cut right to the chase.  I originally created a list of the top 468 reasons to take away her salad, but was asked to shorten it to just 5.  I threw a brief tantrum and started deleting wildly.  This is what remained – the five that were so important and groundbreaking I just couldn’t let them be unheard…

  1. Salad causes blindness.  Arugula works its way into just about every salad somehow.  It’s sneaky, and it’s got Jenny DNA all up in it.  If you go to Google images and you type in “Jenny Craig” you’ll see a bunch of pictures of Kirstie Alley.  Yikes.  Do you want your girlfriend going from fat to skinny and skinny to fat so fast that buttons pop off of her shirt, hit you in the eye, and leave you blind?  Aside from getting to intimidate all other dudes in a 3-mile radius when you’re rollin’ with an eyepatch I’m guessing the answer is no.  Dump that salad into a waste receptacle immediately or else.
  2. Salad causes carpal tunnel.  Salad leaves have like two calories per pound.  A healthy woman needs not a single calorie less than 2000 (for most, more like 2500) to maintain good progesterone levels.  Progesterone is what makes women horny, especially around ovulation.  When she’s not in the mood for months on end are you honestly going to resist the urge to start berserkin’ yer gherkin when there are pictures of Kim Kardashian all over the internet before she gained a thousand pounds after starving herself on salad?  No.  In fact, you’re probably going to click and tug your way to a bad case of carpal tunnel in your wrist.
  3. Salad causes unemployment.  Salad is what gorillas eat.  Do you even know how strong one of those things is?  If your wife eats too much salad she’ll likely express her anger over your excessive masturbation, not by crying or even binge eating like she does after her protein shake diet, but by ripping your arm off clean at the shoulder socket, leaving you with a mouthful of pubelike gorilla hair as a second subtle reminder not to do it again.  Even if she doesn’t get as strong as a gorilla, she’ll still be so hungry from only eating salad and Special K that she will baste your arm with barbecue sauce while you sleep and eat it anyway.  Either way your new job description is “Drummer for Def Leppard Cover Band,” assuming you’re lucky enough to have lost the arm with the carpal tunnel.  If not, you’re straight up unemployed.
  4. Salad causes cancer.  Salad causes excessive flatulence and loose bowels.  Your girlfriend is too polite to fart, but her stomach gets so bloated from holding it in you develop severe paranoia about her becoming pregnant.  So you start practically bathing in spermicide, which contains carcinogenic chemicals.  Or, your wife, who just lets ‘em rip, keeps sharting her thongs (which looked cute on her before she started dieting, lost 20 pounds, wrecked her metabolism, increased her cravings for chili cheese fries by 17,296%, and gained 100 after).  You’re going through 4 Tide Pods a day, milking every last penny of your unemployment check, and exposing yourself to carcinogenic chemicals.  Either way, Chemosabe for you Lone Arm Ranger.
  5. Salad causes impotence.  At this point you have an eye patch, are a 1-armed drummer in a hair band, and have to drive like a gangsta with your one arm on the steering wheel.  Plus, after losing all your hair you look a lot like Bruce Willis.  Face it, you’re now the ultimate chick magnet – especially for women who only eat Double Cheeseburgers because they are too impoverished to afford salad.  Their sex drive is relentless and you eventually reach the point of complete impotence.  It’s upsetting, but you do get some satisfaction when all the salad-eating women flock to a young fruitarian movie star, the fruitarian gets pancreatitis, and the salad eaters go completely insane and start smoking crack.

Men, don’t let your women eat salads.  Give them plenty of yummy things covered in barbecue sauce and they will reach orgasm with you instead of with every random stranger cooking up something more-calorie dense than lettuce on the Food Network.  They won’t even watch that stupid channel anymore, but will savagely ravage you multiple times per day until you reach the point of impotence.  Salad or not, all paths eventually lead to impotence for men.  What, you didn’t think you could avoid it did you?