By Julia Gumm
It’s hard to know just what to do
When seeking perfect health.
Should you buy Mercola’s tanning bed?
Do you have that kind of wealth?
Should you guzzle fresh pressed green juice?
Till you pass a kidney stone?
Must you detox your filthy liver?
Swear off cakes and pies and scones?
Maybe the key is Atkins
(If you’ve enough thyroid to spare.)
Or actually, how ‘bout South Beach?
It’s a tad bit easier to bear.
Should you train to run a marathon?
Will you swear off meat and dairy?
Will you go to bed self-satisfied
E’en though your poops are looking scary?
“None for me, I’ve got my smoothie!”
You’ll cry out during holiday feasts
As your so-called “loved ones” tempt you
With grandma’s baked macaroni and cheese.
Your tastebuds will mislead you
Why can’t kale juice taste like filet?
Filet in a deep, rich bordelaise sauce…
(I feel like I haven’t eaten in days.)
But you’ll know your regimen is working
When you begin to feel like crap.
That’s the body’s natural reaction
To becoming fit and fab!
Your friends think you’re overdoing it,
Don’t they know there’s no such thing?
The body must be whipped into shape!
And bikini ready come spring!
Perhaps it’s possible to take it too far.
And when grandma offered me her macaroni?
Let’s just say I wasn’t very nice.
Maybe I could sleep in on Saturday
Instead of hitting the gym.
Just this once, relax a little
Think ‘bout something other than being thin.
It’s great to be health conscious
We should all strive to live our best lives.
Just make sure to leave room for dessert
‘Cause really- what’s life without apple pie?