First it was Brad Pilon’s Eat Stop Eat. Every week you’d take 24 hours off from eating. You still ate every day, but there was a fast in there every week from say, dinner to dinner the following day. You could up the ante and do a couple fasts per week if you wanted.

Then it was Martin Berkhan’s Leangains. A few weeks ago I heard a completely innocent civilian mocking his personal trainer for telling him to eat all of his meals within 8 hours. It hit the mainstream folks, and I knew where that originated, as Martin and I were about even in popularity as bloggers through 2011 or so, when suddenly his “16/8 splits” idea took off fiercely.

Also popular was Ori Hofmekler’s Warrior Diet, which involved fasting for 20 hours per day–consuming all your calories in a 4-hour window.

For a while I was on a similar bandwagon with a strange health religion known as RBTI, which advocated eating only lowfat dairy and nonstarchy vegetables after 2pm each day. You couldn’t even drink water past that time. It was like being a Mogwai.

This led me to want to try eating just once per day for the first time, which I experimented with for a few months in 2012–fasting until I hit a buffet or something (where I could attempt to eat 3,000 calories or so in one sitting).

And now I see this “one meal a day” or OMAD going completely apeshit in the health fad world. It’s absolutely EVERYWHERE on the YouTubes.

*Spoiler Alert*

It works! Until it doesn’t. Like pretty much any diet.

But I’m always one to keep ahead of the trends in health and nutrition, so I’m coining the next fad right now. You heard it here first!

It’s called, “Fasting under controlled ketosis unlimited raspberries, mushrooms, entrails, turkey, and butter, only ingest Sunday/Monday.” 

That’s a long name, so I created a catchy acronym to help it set social media on fire (insert fire emoji and some 100’s and shit):

F.U.C.K.U.R.M.E.T.A.B.O.I.S.M. 

FUCKURMETABOISM is, quite frankly, the perfect diet. It’s how we were meant to eat. It’s in our DNA. Telomere research has also confirmed that this diet leads to a 22% increase in lifespan in fruit flies. It has also been shown to maximize autophagy and leads to a 47% reduction in advanced glycation end products.

It’s got SCFA’s, MCT’s, RS2, K2, and buttloads of phytonutrients. Pretty much everything you need right there.

Poor satire aside, this trend of eating meals less and less frequently is pretty funny. I would not be the least bit surprised if a popular fad diet emerges in the coming years that advocates eating once every other day, once every three days, and, within a couple decades we might be lucky enough to make it all the way to OMAW (one meal a week).

And it will be the same old shit…

“I feel great! It’s so easy! I can eat whatever I want! I’ve lost weight! It’s so affordable! It’s so convenient! It’s so freeing not having to think about food all day! I’m not hungry! My energy levels and mental focus are AHH-MAY-ZING!” 

Yeah we know. We’ve all dieted before.

But this is what an amazing success story looks like after a couple years…

Awww, not so shiny is it? Unless you like gaining weight eating one miserable keto meal per day.

As always, you can try OMAD if you like. Or FUCKURMETABOISM. Or even OMAW. But I would personally recommend punching yourself in the genitals instead. It hurts, but it requires so little effort in comparison, has the same likelihood of reducing your body weight after a period of many years (very little), and won’t have any long-lasting adverse effects on your metabolism, self-esteem, social life, digestion, sexual function, or energy levels.

Okay, groin punching might have adverse effects on your sexual function, but only if you’re on steroids, therefore applying to only 94% of males under the age of 40.

Most importantly, groin punches won’t lead you to become an obnoxious loud-mouthed diet zealot posing shirtless on the internet, becoming a mini internet celebrity, and then gaining weight and living the life of a shamed, depressed, hermit with a litany of health problems afterward.