Hey guys, this is Hunter here- you probably remember me from my wildly successful blog post where I introduced the world to a brand new way of eating called ‘Paleo’. Since the article was published I have received literally tonnes of email (or as I like to call it ‘emaileo’ LOL!) and recently I have been getting lots of questions about the forthcoming Christmas period. I have decided to publish some of my responses so that you can all benefit from my extensive knowledge and remain Primal throughout the holiday period.
‘Hey Hunter, I’m loving the Paleo lifestyle but Christmas is approaching and I’m worried about how easy it will be for me to remain authentically Paleo during this difficult time. I’m particularly worried about what I will eat on Christmas day as my family likes to gorge on carbs and modern processed junk. Do you have any hints and tips for making a Paleo-friendly Christmas dinner?’
It’s true that Christmas is an intensely difficult time for Paleo Warriors worldwide. Paleo-man’s Christmas dinner would have probably consisted of Roast Grass-fed Mastadon with a side of protein rich insects and some green leafy veg. Perfect. Sadly, the grain industry has sabotaged our most sacred festival and left us facing an annual carb-fest that leaves us sick, bloated and diabetic.
But fear not modern-day warriors, I have devised a completely Paleo-friendly Christmas dinner recipe just by making some simple tweaks to the traditional menu. The result is a truly delicious and easy to prepare ‘Paleo Christmas Dinner’!
Good news folks- turkey is completely Paleo! Low in carbs, high in protein and delicious to boot. If there is a more Paleo-friendly food than turkey then I’m yet to discover it! Make sure you get a fully pastured turkey, which are available in supermarkets and petrol garages nationwide. And don’t listen to the rumours that turkeys are raised in confinement, given antibiotics and have their beaks seared off without anaesthetic- that’s just propaganda sponsored by the vegan industry and we all know that vegans are statistically more likely to commit murder than meat-eaters.
Gravy is Paleo. Just make sure you don’t use wheat flour as a thickener as it will give you autoimmune disease. Instead use a combination of coconut flour, arrowroot and grass-fed butter.
Believe it or not, cranberries are Paleo. Now I know what you’re thinking- all that concentrated sugar must be bad for us right? Well actually, as long as you only eat them once a year, they’re perfectly safe! Still not convinced? Well think about it this way: Paleo-man was always on the run, either escaping a predator or catching his prey. When he stumbled across a cranberry bush he would have only had a few seconds to grab a bite before he would have to move on or die. Therefore it would have been physically impossible to consume more than 10g of sugar in one day. This is how clever Mother Nature is! Unfortunately, since the dawn of agriculture we have bypassed our natural primal instincts and are essentially gorging at the cranberry bush all day long. And people wonder why we have a worldwide obesity epidemic!! So eat all the cranberries you want, just don’t eat more than 4 and do NOT have cranberry sauce as that is just a sugar-laden diabetes and cancer cocktail. Simply pour 2-4 whole cranberries over your turkey and tuck in!
Sorry folks but potatoes are a no-go. It is impossible to eat any amount of glucose-rich potatoes and not enter the insidious fat-gaining zone. Besides, despite what some people may tell you, potatoes are most definitely not Paleo. Paleo-man didn’t have fire so any food that has to be cooked to be eaten is not Paleo. Ever eaten a raw potato? Hmmm, didn’t think so!
Sprouts are a green vegetable so they are Paleo. Just make sure you cook them thoroughly. If you don’t like the taste of sprouts just serve them with plenty of butter and bacon. Yes, you read that right, you are allowed to eat butter and bacon on this diet! Paleo for the fucking WIN!
Christmas Pudding is not Paleo but it can be. Just replace the wheat flour with coconut flour, use dried vegetables instead of dried fruit, add 2 scoops of whey protein isolate and make a delicious stevia and rapadura icing. Scrumptious!
‘Hey Hunter, that sounds like a mighty fine Christmas Paleo feast but I have a problem. I practise intermittent fasting and am currently doing the ‘Stop-Eat-Stop’ program where I am only allowed to eat every 4th day. I am concerned that Christmas day might not fall on one of my eating days and am worried that I might not be able to enjoy a Christmas dinner. What do you suggest?’
I hear you brother. I follow a similar program called ‘Stop-Eat-Self Harm- Stop’ and it can be very tricky but there is a solution. Every December I switch over to a really easy style of IF called ‘The Happy Hour Diet’ where I can actually eat every single day! I can literally eat as much as I want between 6.30pm and 7pm (It’s supposed to be 6.30-7.30 but I was gaining weight so I cut it down) as long as I stay under 10g of carbohydrate. This means that as long as you stay within the window you can enjoy a delicious Paleo Christmas dinner every year!
Your family will probably try and sabotage you and insist that you eat Christmas dinner with the rest of them in the early afternoon. Resist. This is not safe from an insulin-resistance perspective and you need to hang on until 6.30pm at all costs. But once you reach ‘happy (half) hour’ you will be able to laugh at them struggling to get their ‘wheat-bellies’ off the sofa while you pig out to your heart’s content!
‘Sounds great Hunter but I still have a major problem. All through Christmas time my friends and family drink huge amounts of carb-heavy alcohol. I don’t want to be a stick-in-the-mud and not have a drink but I also don’t want to ruin all my good low-carb work. Is there a solution? I’m scared.’
You bet your life there is my friend! As you know, people who eat carbohydrates are proven to have greater levels of depression and social anxiety disorder and are therefore far more likely to turn to alcoholism. When you are strict Paleo all year round, alcohol becomes less and less appealing because you are more in touch with your inner primal being. So the first thing you can do is become even stricter with your Paleo diet. A good starting place is to halve your current carb allowance, especially if you eat more than 10g a day.
Plus you may not realise this but alcohol is actually a man-made Neolithic invention that is created by fermenting grains (which are evil enough as it is) and essentially doubling the carbohydrate content. Think about THAT the next time you reach for a Budweiser! Drinking fermented grain juice is a surefire way to give yourself Type 2 Diabetes so instead I would suggest trying a ‘traditional beverage’ like Kefir or Kombucha. I learnt about these wonderful drinks at last year’s Ancestral Health Symposium and have been glugging away ever since! I particularly recommend ‘Gavera’s Organic Young Green Coconut Juice Kefir’ which you can buy directly from my website for just $14.99 per 100ml bottle.
‘Hey Hunter, I have two young children and want to buy them some presents this year that are primal rather than commercial. Plastic toys made in China are definitely not Paleo. I am keen for them to stay in touch with their ancestral heritage and I want to get them presents that will encourage this. Do you have any suggestions?’
I sure do! I have two young boys myself- Gary and Robert- and I know how difficult it can be finding presents that keep them in touch with their true primal being. Firstly, I would make sure you get them both the ‘iPaleo’ app for their iPhones. It has hundreds of tips for leading an authentic Paleo lifestyle and my boys just love it.
Another great idea is a stockpot. Making your own bone broth is all the rage in the Paleosphere right now and there is nothing more exciting for children than putting some bones in a pot and letting it simmer gently for 24-36 hours. For a real treat I bought some of those ice lolly moulds and we make our own lamb or beef flavour ‘broth-lollies’ which are just delightful. Honestly, the look on your kid’s faces when they rip open a 10-litre stockpot on Christmas morning is a joy to behold. And for an added kicker you can put a grass-fed lamb carcass in their stocking so they can get started right away!
And finally, it is important to get your kids something that encourages physical activity. There are many great options but for me you can’t do better than a good old-fashioned tyre and sledgehammer. They provide the ultimate in functional training for your little ones and can be had for cheap from your local scrapyard. Children are constantly being encouraged to play sports these days and while this is all very admirable, sports are just not functional or primal. Think about it, if you were being chased through the plains of Eastern Africa by a hungry Pterodactyl, how much use would kicking a football be?! Children need to train functionally to prepare them for the rigours of a Paleo lifestyle and the trusty old hammer and tyre combo never fails. If you are unable to find a set, then the TRX suspension system is also very Paleo.
So there it is folks- my fool-proof guide to a Paleo-friendly Christmas. I hope this helps you get through such a testing time without acquiring Syndrome X or homicidal tendencies.
Merry Christmas fellow Warriors!
Written by: Matthew Green