By Matt Stone
Girl: I need to lose 40 pounds in the next 3 months. Anybody have any ideas?
Random Internet Guy: Exercise fasted. You’ll thank me later.
I saw a conversation on Facebook recently that went almost exactly like that. At the post office, I overheard a postal worker telling a guy that eating more fruits and vegetables and exercising every day was a surefire ticket to lasting weight loss. A friend of mine once told his fat older brother that all he needed was a stationary bike, and he could kiss that unsightly blubber goodbye. Ask any low-carber what fat Joe should do. He just needs to enter ketosis. Freaking carb addict. In my early 20’s, all my mom needed to do to lose weight was stop drinking Coke. In 2012, fat people just needed to cut out the gluten. In 2013 they need to spend most of the day fasted and eat foods with low palatability and lots of resistant starch. Who knows what fat people will need to do next year? Probably hop on one foot and tape their mouths shut while in ketosis on a raw food diet.
Trends may come and go, but one thing is always consistent… Everyone knows what’s best for a fat person.
Seriously. If you are with a friend or family member, ask him what he thinks your fat Aunt should do to slim down. He will have a definitive answer. It may change from year to year, but it will be consistently cocksure. Yes, it’s okay that you snickered when you read that word. I snickered when I wrote it. The real problem is what happens when you read the word “snicker.” You think of Snickers and have a cephalic insulin release and a big bump in appetite. That’s just more fatness for you fatty fathead.
In reality, even though everyone has a definitive answer, there are no actual, definitive answers. I think the most reasonable obesity solution, considering a wide, all-encompassing view of all the scientific literature and personal experience and testimony of real, living, breathing people who have struggled with excess weight, is to travel back in time.
If you travel back in time, you can get to the root of the causes of storing excess body fat: low metabolic rate, excess polyunsaturated fat storage, poor infant diet, excess fat cells, fat cell hypertrophy, disordered eating behavior, dieting at an early age, and many others. If you don’t, you won’t, and will have to resort to various starvation tactics (food restriction, macronutrient restriction, excessive exercise, laxatives, purging, fasting, “cleansing,” ice water baths) and dietary and lifestyle extremes to lose fat and keep it off, unless you are one of the lucky ones who respond to long-term maintenance of a high metabolic rate by spontaneously losing fat. That happens for some who raise their metabolic rate through the dietary and lifestyle measures advocated in my books. For others, it doesn’t.
Anyway, I’m calling you out, everyone. I’m sick of your absolute confidence and certainty. Certainty is the result of an inability to see contradiction. Inability to see contradiction is a side effect of idiocy.
Instead, think of a problem that you have been unable to solve your entire life, physical or otherwise. Then humble yourself to the point of recognizing that obesity is as complex, if not more complex, than the problem(s) you’ve been unable to solve. You don’t have all the answers. The answers you provide aren’t as effective as you wish they were.
Hey, everybody wants to be helpful to others, be in possession of the answers, and give good advice. But few do, and are. Those who are the most eager to dish out advice are typically those who are the most certain, wrong, and in the greatest need of being right and helping people to feel good about themselves (insecure).
So stop it everyone. You don’t know what’s best for fat people. Fat people are not simpletons who are too stupid to have come up with the amazing solutions that you have devised from the eight books and four blogs that you read. They don’t need you to miraculously heal them with your advice. Unless you’ve got a flux capacitor hanging around in your garage, they need you to shut the hell up and worry about your own problems.