I feel like I’m not qualified to give you the help you need, but I want to tell you that I hope you can see that suicide is not the answer. As I’ve heard it said, suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. No matter how terrible your situation seems right now, you have a long life ahead of you, full of experiences that you cannot even imagine right now.
I also went through a suicidal period. Long years of bad health weighed heavily on me, and I found it almost impossible to deal with the stresses that I was facing on a day-to-day basis. I will be honest. I was on the verge of blowing all my money on drugs and ending my life in a last desperate high, because at that point nothing made sense except the artificial pleasure of drugs. As far as I could tell, life didn’t have anything to offer except shit and short-term meaningless pleasures.
Everything has changed now, a fact I was just talking to my wife about tonight. I’m living a meaningful life, enjoying myself, and I never could have gotten here if I had given up during the dark times. I guarantee you, you will also break through and start to enjoy life again. It may even happen when you least expect it. Your best years are still ahead of you.
I hope you don’t fixate entirely on the 4,500 euro that you need for your course, because happiness may come from an unexpected place. If you are feeling overwhelmed, I hope you will seek help, because there are people who care about you enough to help you–and you may not even know them yet. I care about you, and I’m just a random face on the internet. Imagine how much support you could receive if you opened up to the people who are actually in your life, who could talk to you face-to-face. I know these people are out there.
It’s not all shit. There are better times ahead of you.