Blog › Forums › Eating Disorders › Help? Warning– long/crazy post below, and TW for weight/food talk › Reply To: Help? Warning– long/crazy post below, and TW for weight/food talk
At the weight and height you describe you are actually still very underweight. I’m not sure why you’re saying “not anorexic by any means” other than that minimizing/denial is part of the disease. YEs you are underweight and yes you are starving, which explains the paranoia and other psychological symptoms of anorexia which you are experiencing. I think step one here is to get real with the fact that you are still very much anorexic. You aren’t ‘basically all better’ and you aren’t recovered. I’m not saying this to put you down but to give you hope. If you tell yourself you’re ‘not that sick’ anymore then how can you hope things will get better-if this is the best you can hope for? Well, its not and you wont know what the best you can hope for will be until you truly give recovery a chance.
Both the paranoia, and the experience of feeling overwhelmed by life but being 100% poised to tackle P90X plus a 10 mile run, are also part of the disease.
As a grad student, do you have access to student health services? There may also be a support group you could utilize on campus. I think your fears about others noticing the gain etc are very common. I feel this way about the people I work with (I also have an ED). But again this is part of the illness and the preoccupation with your weight’s importance (or your perception of the importance of your weight) will change with improved nutrition, also. Anyway you mention you’ve been normal and the preoccupations diminished so you know this firsthand.
I hope this doesn’t sound judgey because it isn’t. It’s late, and I struggle too. I just want you to know that (1) its clear that you are very much in the grips of pretty typical anorexia/anorexia athletica and (2) there’s HOPE for you but before you can get better you have to stop the exercise and start eating. The great news is that you have a support team that also recognizes this. But you most certainly (!!!!) do NOT have to wait to start reclaiming your life until after the RD appointment.