Thank you so much, ErinElizabeth and tennosea, for reading and replying.
I also posted my story to the YourEatopia forum on Thursday, and immediately received feedback saying: QUIT EXERCISING. (And to quit weighing myself.) I think you’re all correct: I somehow convinced myself that I was ready and was doing it in a perfectly healthy way. After all, everyone on that Eating The Food group on Facebook says to track your TDEE, count calories, and lift heavy weights. But I’m not one of them. I’m just not ready. Maybe never will be.
I can see now that I’ve simply been impatient. And yes, I do hate this new body, even more than the old one. I don’t know how not to.
Tennosea, I asked myself that same question the other night, and the answer is no, I would not work out if I KNEW it would absolutely not change the shape/size of my body. (Funny thing is, for these last ~4 months, it hasn’t!)
However, I would still go outside for 1-2 mile walks a few times a week. You see, one thing I didn’t mention above is that I actually had a career for the last many years that revolved around food and “health.” I quit last August. I just couldn’t handle being in that orthorexic environment – the online food and health blog world – any longer. I still am wrapped up in that stuff a bit, but not nearly as much as I was when I was actively writing about food and health.
So this has caused the complication that I’m currently unemployed. I do some freelance writing still, but overall, I’m just sitting at home doing nothing most of the time (no kids yet – though my husband and I are trying to conceive). Having all this free time on my hands (and too little money to go DO many things) has not been good for me. I’ve too often reverted back to reading health blogs or forums other than this one. I need something else to fill my days/time so that my mind isn’t constantly left to wander and ruminate. I suppose that’s another reason I started working out again. Normally, a nice walk outdoors lifts my mood and brightens me up. But in the winter, I can’t go outside often in this awful cold (not without being miserable), so I thought another form of physical activity could help. Lying on the couch all day in my pajamas (or sitting in front of the computer) just makes me feel so worthless, especially after doing it for months on end, and especially now that I’m well and truly fat.
Anyway, I don’t feel that a few short walks a week is “exercise.” I walk very slowly, and can’t walk more than 1-2 miles at a time anyway because of my bad knee. Is it okay to continue with occasional, leisurely walks (particularly as/when the weather warms up in a couple months)? I just NEED to get out of this apartment sometimes.
Thank you both for your honesty and input. I agree with everything you said. After a tearful conversation with my husband on Thursday (who is not thrilled with my larger body), I’ve decided to quit exercising again for the foreseeable future. You are right, I was playing with fire, and losing again.
Now I wish I hadn’t just spent $300 on larger clothes…I fear I will be outgrowing those too, shortly. :(