hey, linda — i hear ya. your story is similar to that of many people i know, who’ve gone through that cycle over and over again. i think it’s important that you learn to appreciate yourself and your body, even in its fat state. that’s difficult in a society that disdains fat, but now that i am there, i am finding it much easier than what i did before, trying to fit myself to people’s expectations. life is short, and there are so many more important things than what we look like. and if you learn to love your body no matter what, you will remove so much stress from your life; it’ll make fixing your metabolism easier, and for all you know, the weight will come off. but even if it doesn’t, you’ll have broken the cycle that makes you miserable, and you’ll be miles ahead of where you are now.
the good news is that appreciating your body regardless of its size (and other issues you might have with it) is a skill, and all skills can be learned and practiced and improved. and these days there is actually a lot of help out there through the growing size acceptance network. i really enjoy ragen chastain’s blog “dances with fat” (https://danceswithfat.wordpress.com/) which has a lot of practical advice about appreciating yourself, as well as dealing with other people trying to shame you, and the nonsense they tell you about weight loss. in regard to exercise, i hang out on the “fit fatties” forum (http://fitfatties.ning.com/) because i find it is a more positive experience to talk with like-minded people instead of battling the crappy attitude most of the fitness industry has towards us. the forum is run by a fat dancer and a fat fitness instructor, and they’re both amazing. i used to have a very acrimonious relationship with exercise, but after we broke up for good, i’ve found some very different ways to move my body — there are so many ways, i feel certain you’ll be able to find something too; just go slow at the start because your body needs to get used to it. even simply walking around the block every day, breathing the fresh air and enjoying spring (soon!) can be a good start.
i myself am likely to be arrested by the fashion police, but there are more and more options for fat people now, and they’re no longer dowdy tents. try the http://www.plussizeyellowpages.com/ which has tons of links, neatly sorted.
as to the word “fat”: tina is right, you don’t have to use it (“prosperous” is cute ;). but other people still will, because too many are mean and cruel, and that can be disheartening. i use it because i believe in reclaiming insults; it takes the sting out of them over time. i am fat like i am short, brunet (ok, salt-and-peppery), queer, middle-aged, strong, intelligent, impatient, handy… it’s just a descriptive term; it does not define me, and i won’t let it insult me anymore.
you’re not alone — your husband loves you, and many other people understand where you’re coming from. finding them and becoming part of a support network will make any change easier.