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Reply To: Do I belong here?

Blog Forums Eating Disorders Do I belong here? Reply To: Do I belong here?

#15921
lottie77
Participant

Thank you both for your messages!

Tennosea – wow, thank you so much for sharing your story, it brought tears to my eyes – not only because I know your pain, but also because I know how quickly time can pass you by when you chose to shut yourself off to the world and live in a ED bubble. As I approach my 26th Birthday (in a week) I look back on the past 3 years and my primary thought is – holy sh*t, how have I managed to waste 3 years of my life in this mental prison?!! I really, really don’t want to miss out on anymore of my twenties and I know I am the only person who can pull myself out of this trap/cycle.

The last few weeks have been tough. I have been exercising more and my eating in the day was very limited to allow myself to eat at night. Getting through work everyday was excruciating – I think I had got myself to the point where I knew I couldn’t carry on. On Saturday morning I woke up with a terrible hangover having drunk far too much on just 2 bowls of watery porridge – ick – and I did something I haven’t done in years..I ate. At 7.00am, within 10mins of waking up I was eating porridge with milk, honey (no sweetner!!) and granola. Copious slices of toast with butter and peanut butter followed and more bowls of granola. Instead of freaking out I just allowed myself to be. I went for a walk in the sunshine and then had more toast and granola for lunch, a brownie mid afternoon, a burger and chips for supper and toast and biscuits before bed. Yesterday I woke up and honored my hunger once again, and today too – although since i’ve been at work i haven’t been snacking as much.

It is early days, but it feels liberating. I am half freaking out at what will happen in the future to my body and half relieved to finally just be responding to something my body has been screaming at me to do for years. Just getting through today at work has been so much easier, although there is still a slight fog and food is consistently on my mind.

I think at the end of the day I just have to trust myself and trust my body. I have put it through hell these past 3 years but it is still here and I need to show it some gratitude finally. I know whatever comes in the future will be hard and if I end up having a body bigger than what society tells us is ‘acceptable’, ‘desirable’ etc then I will have to learn to live with that. I hope you can find the strength to push through too – 34 is still so young and much in the way I hope to use your words to keep me pushing me through this, you should use your words and perspective to push you through as well!