Day 13
Just recently upped the dosage to two pills a day.
The weather turned pretty nice yesterday so I decided to go for a bike ride. Since starting refeeding I’ve been avoiding exercise purposely. I’ve been so worn out over the years that even playing my drums would completely exhaust me but in the past couple months it’s been getting better. I didn’t think an hours bike ride would be too strenuous but the path was rough and there was a strong wind. I guess I’m not as strong as I thought yet because it sort of kicked my ass. When it was over I felt like I was back in starvation mode. My sound sensitivity and agitation came back which hasn’t happened since I started the Tianeptine but not as intense. And I feel that same drained, depleted feeling I used to get when I didn’t eat enough. I always feel like I need to lie down. Also, the emotional “opening” effect disappeared and I feel numb and slightly anxious again. It feels really crappy but I think it’s still better than it was before I started the drug.
Could it be that the Tianeptine took the edge off? I think it’s likely but I can’t say for sure. I don’t know how it would have been if I had done it off the drug. Again I find myself questioning whether it was the Tianeptine that caused my improvements over the last two weeks or other things. For a while I thought I was cured but now that my old symptoms came back I have doubts.
Still, despite the drug induced loss of “frame of reference” I talked about previously, the improvements I’ve noticed over the last two weeks are too significant to chalk up to coincidence. Tianeptine didn’t meet my expectations (which were admittedly way too high) but it is effective enough that I chose to order more and stick with it. Tianeptine is not a panacea, but it is good stuff. I hope over the next few days I can get back on the right track and recover.
I was considering quitting RRARFing but this experience, I think, shows that neither tianeptine or refeeding alone can completely tackle the problem but together they form an effective one-two punch that busts stress quite well. Unfortunately I’m getting really fat so it’s quite disappointing. I always hoped I could cheat my fate and stay and a reasonable weight but I know that I’m doomed to gain it all back before I start loosing it (hopefully). I now know there are worse things in this world than being fat but it still isn’t pleasant.
