Sigh. you are so early in this, please please take the warnings in this site and others seriously and try to get this turned around now. The longer you go with the sick ED mindset, the harder it is to change. Don’t bring it to college with you. Bauer’s right, you aren’t binging. You’re just hungry. What you did-1200 calories plus exercise-isn’t at all healthy for an active growing teenager and your body is reacting appropriately by driving you to eat more more more. You are also risking future fertility and especially bone health with the secondary ammennorhea. You have your window of opportunity for bone development now, and it won’t stay open forever, so you want to capitalize on it. Right now, you are losing out.
You have got to let go. You aren’t a healthy 123 pounds at 5’5″, sorry. Based on rapid loss on a very restricted diet, the weight you’re at isn’t natural for your body. You might not have liked your appearance in the 140s, but THAT is where you were healthy and its unlikely that the ED mindset will subside if you continue to try to maintain below that. Its not what you want to hear I know-we want the best of all worlds, to have a body that others envy, that we like because it’s ‘slim’ and we also want to have that without the ED mindset. But you do have another alternative. IT’s this: allow your body to be healthy and free your mind from restriction. Then practice learning to love your body exactly as nature intended it to be. I PROMISE you that it is better to do this than to waste your college years chasing after something that can never be. Look around the ED forum here and you’ll see plenty of folks who’ve wasted years trying to be “healthy” while refusing to accept their natural weight. You can’t do it and live in peace and it is not worth the tradeoff.
Get counseling. Go full stop at changing your mindset. In the meantime, do everything you can to remember your pre-ED habits and ditch the diet ones. Don’t worry about “binges.” Just accept that if you are driven to eat more than you’re comfortable eating, it’s biology, not a moral or character failing. And biology is pretty damn smart if you stay can get out of the way. You are at a point in your life when you should be having a blast and enjoying everything, not counting calories. How sad! Please realize that your problem is not your body. It’s the fact that your mind has decided to force your body into a size that is probably 20+ pounds smaller than what biology intends. And biology is fighting back, as it should.