Max,
It was Mark’s Daily Apple. I am not a member there and don’t care for most of it, but I think I found your thread through some other search or other.
I really do have a rough time with the running identity. There really was a time, pre-ED, when running was just a joyful physical activity for me that was about feeling good and had little to do with my weight. The taskmaster in my head, who does all the mile counting and the ignoring of the bodily signs that say its time to stop, came along with the ED, and not before.
Over the last couple of years I’ve had several periods of time from a couple of weeks to months where I did no running, either because I was injured or because I was ‘trying to recover.’ Currently my weight is right above the minimally healthy BMI and everyone thinks I’m fine. I keep being told I look great! and healthy! and I hate it. So ED is in my brain, and the recent gain, though probably not near enough to get me truly healthy, feels intolerable and I would really like to get back to being noticeably thin. Because that is what I have been for nearly my entire adult life, and it feels quite awful to now just be average. So yes, clearly my frame of mind currently is in no shape to try to incorporate a healthy, non-disordered running program into my life. But I’m running anyway. At this point even though I know its not the best idea, it is the only thing that keeps me sane and anchored to the reality I’ve known for so long.
Paradoxically though, when I wonder to myself about maybe trying to be less restrictive with my food and put on additional weight, one of the few motivators is that it might make me run faster and generally better. The thought of improving my running is one of the very few things that makes me think it would be worth it to truly let go of the need to be thin. There seems to be different schools of thought on this when it comes to ED recovery. Some schools say that its necessary to get rid of athletics generally, or at least certain types of athletics, to allow the person to truly recover and discover their identity outside of sport. But there’s definitely another school that says returning to/remaining in sport can be used as a motivator. I’ve been in treatment with providers in both schools and my only thoughts is that maybe there isn’t a one-fits-all solution, but for many cases a period of full abstinence from exercise is absolutely necessary at least in the beginning. And I can tell you that outside of this community and a few others, this is really not standard thinking. Somehow general society has evolved to the mindset that all physical activity is good for everyone all of the time, and it is really hard (even for educated, intelligent ‘professionals’) to not get sucked into the hype.
Anyhow, that was a long-winded reply! If you’ve made it this far, thanks for listening to my unexpected rant.