Tennosea, no need to apologize about ranting, it’s cool haha.
As far as being thin and not wanting to be average, that is probably the biggest problem. In my opinion, unless you are naturally thin, it is much more healthy to allow your body to gravitate towards it’s own set point. If you were never overweight, I don’t think your set point now would be very heavy. When I put on body fat last year, it was only about 15 pounds, since I was never heavy before my ED and running. I also find being “average” or “not thin” much more attractive (and apparently those telling you that you look great do also), and obviously you would feel much better if you allow your body to migrate towards it’s natural weight.
Another thing, BMI is usually bullshit. If you put on muscle, it will skew the BMI numbers because muscle weighs more than fat. A great thing for someone recovering from anorexia would be to look into weight training rather than running. That way, you won’t feel bad if you overeat (which a recovering anorexic needs), for overeating will lead to muscle growth and a higher metabolism. Weight training for legs is a great area to put on muscle.
As for running faster, are you currently/looking towards becoming competitive? I’ve seen many thin runners improve at running by putting on some muscle mass, especially in their legs. If you aren’t interested in becoming competitive, there is probably more harm than good in focusing on becoming faster. Racing seems like the only reason to become a better runner, to put your training to the test.
Once again however, it’s hard to combine running and recovering from an ED unless you can totally separate the two from each other. Walking might be better, since it might help with the metal release and joy you get from running, without worrying about logging a certain pace/miles etc. Walking outside in nature can really clear your mind, or walking with a friend.
General society is usually wrong about most things, especially health/nutrition/training. Most people are either brainwashed or stuck inside a box with information they are fed. I wouldn’t take what general society has to say too seriously.
I suggest, if you don’t want to be a competitive runner, to focus on weight training (especially squats) and walking for some time. Maybe you will fall in love with these and then you can re-introduce running. I also suggest slowly upping your food intake, particularity with carbs, and keep upping it a little more each week. That way, if you are afraid of weight gain, it will more likely become muscle rather than fat. And also, being thin is no fun if you are not naturally thin. Maybe if you do put on body fat, it will be in areas that are good for a woman.