Hi Max, not sure if you’re around here anymore (this forum is so inconsistent!) but I wanted to come back and update. I’ve reconnected with my treatment team and am really trying to do better with food generally-which for me just means more, and not any particular types of foods other than the ones I want, since I’ve always just been so restrictive. I’ve been off running for a week too. I really did think about what you said about being a faster, better runner versus weight loss motivations. I read somewhere else too, about questioning yourself as to whether you would still ‘want’ to run so badly if running was thought to promote weight gain, and not loss. And I have to admit that maybe, when I think of it that way, perhaps I don’t ‘love’ running the way I have been telling people I do. For now I’m sticking to gentle walking as I don’t think weight training would be mentally healthy for me. I think I need a good long period of abstaining from environments and/or behaviors that are focused on appearance, whether it be getting super thin or getting ‘toned’ or ‘ripped’ or whatever. I can easily see myself going off the deep end with weight training too, so I think it’s safer for me to stick to resting and just doing the walks if the weather’s nice. It is pretty easy for me to get compulsive about anything other than that, and I’ve done it before. I am really trying to brace myself for the weight gain (feels like its already happening) but I am trying to develop some mantras about accepting myself at any weight, and about it being time for me to enjoy my life and stop punishing myself because after all, all the self-punishment and sacrifice and exercise/restriction I’ve subjected myself to has not at all resulted in me enjoying my life. So there’s that. Still I know I’m in for a rough ride as the weight gets up there above the magic BMI 18.5 number I’ve been clinging to. (I just read though that they have actually changed that and that 20 is now the minimum healthy magic number for caucasions; 18.5 is only the minimum for those of Asian descent….it’s almost funny how much mental space these seemingly arbitrary and stupid numbers take up for me.) Anyway thank you (a late thank you) for your feedback. I really do appreciate it and it made me think outside of my comfort zone, which is always good.
