J-Lo, thank you again, for so eloquently describing my situation. You are right; my life is lived inside a landform that started as a rut but is now a massive canyon. And I follow the walls of the canyon because I cannot see any other path. I am afraid to stop crawling along my canyon but maybe if I just stand up I will realize I only need to step over the walls. See, I can do metaphor too. I love your story and no I have not heard it but it certainly reminds me of the work of Anita Johnson.
As it turns out, my RD appointment went quite differently than I’d expected. Firstly, because I’d lost a couple of pounds (despite my certainty that the last few weeks without running had absolutely resulted in a gain that I am sure I see in the fat in my arms and stomach.) Secondly, because as it turns out she is actually completely on board with total liberalization of the diet, but she fears that if I set my expectations too high at first (and commit to totally eating whatever, whenever) I might just end up too paralyzed to make any changes at all. Which is why she is working with me to make small changes in increments (but is totally open to a more drastic approach if and when I’m ready). Interestingly, our conversation focused largely on what you mention with respect to defining values and purpose in life. Truly I have no idea. What do I value? I don’t know at all. So I’ve created artificial values that I can chase after as a surrogate. I’m to work on this so that perhaps I have a more authentic sense of my goals. But I really do not know where to start. I have a job I only value as a means of a paycheck. I do not want children. I am not a religious person. I spent a few years for a while doing non-profit work with animals and thought THAT was what it was all about but at this point I am so burnt out on that emotionally that I feel no true desire to go back to it all (though I do occasionally feel obligated to).
My food goals in the meantime were pretty much kept the same. She is focusing on getting my intake of artificial sweeteners down. I drink criminal amounts of diet coke so I am working on swapping out for less chemically-intensive options. That, at least, is going well. It was nice to get home from the the grocery store with bags weighed down by two-liter bottles. (And that shit’s expensive too!)
