velvetsquishyYou’re post was the first thing I read this morning, and I’m so glad you wrote that. ‘Powerful’ is an understatement. You’re right. Like one hundred percent right. Your anger and passion really fueled me to get mad it too. It’s really not something to play with and it’s no way to live. I learned that from remembering all the mental hell and missed periods I experienced. Since last November, I haven’t relapsed back to those old habits to the extent that I had. It’s just those sometimes rare and lingering thoughts of feeling that everyone should be thin and all that garbage jazz. I’m 165 now, and the key to overcoming those thoughts (so they don’t toy with my eating habits), is to love every single ounce of it. Because that’s me. It’s part of me and no one really cares. And even if they did, they could screw themselves mind their own business because hating myself is the worst thing I’ve ever done. No one takes care of a car that they hate.
That’s why I’ve written Play Hard, Eat Hard, Sleep Hard, on an big piece of paper in my room. At first, I thought Matt had been incredibly vague. Inspiring, seeing that he had written it and all, and incredibly timely, but a bit vague. So I meditated on it for hours up until now and it makes perfect sense. I’m not really sure where my metabolism is at, and I know the Minnesota Starvation Experiment results concerning it, but what I do know that the body is incredibly resilient.
So this is what I got from it…
Play Hard: Not exercise hard. Not ‘burn off your food’ hard (as if it were that simple). Not ‘she’s so fit, I should be to’ hard. But play hard. Like children who run around climbing trees and chasing stuff with no consideration of the ‘health benefits’. Like you said, look myself in the eye and say that it had nothing to do with weight loss. That’s the key. Intentional weight loss isn’t the answer.
Play hard means playing soccer and tennis with friends because I’ve loved them from the time I learned to walk. It means hiking these beautiful mountains I live on and get away from the glare of my computer. If it’s fun, I shall do it. And do it hard.
Eat Hard: Not eat ‘clean’ hard. Not ‘consider the calories’ hard. Not eat ‘when it’s convenient’ hard. It’s eat whatever I want, whenever I want, even when it’s not convenient, until I’m satisfied (not when I think I ‘ought’ to be satisfied). It means eating like I don’t care, because I don’t. And I shall eat it…hard.
Sleep Hard: Not ‘is it midnight already?’ hard. It’s using the timer I installed on my phone and using it well. Shut the lights and shut my eyes. Hard.
I added another one, and of course at this point I’m just writing down my thoughts, is to Live Hard. Not ‘watch the days pass by’ hard. I mean genuine childlike-wonder-exploration-imagination-humorous-selflove living.
So what’s different from the last time I tried to be normal? I’m going to suck it up and see what kind of therapy I could get for body image and actively love myself. No negative thoughts. Ever. I’m not going to give myself permission to love myself until after x amount of weight is loss. That’s what messed me up the last time.
Thank you all so much!
