Blog › Forums › Eating Disorders › Have my recovery attempts ruined my metabolism, Matt? › Reply To: Have my recovery attempts ruined my metabolism, Matt?
Yeah, BauerPower, I like to think of this ED as my asthma. When I was much younger, I had season passes to a hospital near where I lived. Since I was around 5, every fall, without fail, I was sure to have a room booked just for me. Stay 4 nights, get the 5th night free deals and all.
I spent my 10th birthday in the hospital and never even got to eat any cake! But I digress…
Outside the hospital, I’ve awoken many nights thinking there were cats screeching (or whatever that demonic noise they make is) in my room, only to realize it my own breathing. Then came the fun part of being rushed by an ambulance or having to pull out the old trusty nebulizer. Running and cold weather were like tar to my lungs. (I tried ice skating once. It didn’t go too well.) It wasn’t until I was 14-15ish that I didn’t need to carry my inhaler around my neck. In middle school, I played 2, yes 2, wind instruments, not to mention soccer, tennis, and just a little thing called track. Exactly how I managed to do this with and live is beyond me, but I haven’t spent a night in the hospital for a good 4 or 5 years now, and I hardly ever have to use my inhaler, unless, of course, I’m looking to make an otherwise boring afternoon fairly interesting.
Before, during, and after the lowest point of my ED, I was able run a crazy amount of miles without feeling like I was breathing through a straw.
And I mean all this to say that I still have asthma.
It’s controllable– not something you could lose switching purses or really grow out of.
But to thine own self be true.
You think you’re good, and then, bam, you’re in a pet shop and you’re allergic to bird powerdown. Then boom, you’re wheezing and need to pull out an inhaler (like a boss). And then you’re fine again.
Asthma is like lung allergy. ED is like a brain allergy. (Probably a bad analogy, but you get the point.) And so just because I haven’t been as sick as I was for years, it doesn’t mean that I should burn every inhaler I own, pick up a smoking habit, buy a bird, or all of the above. They’re called triggers, just like with ED. One should avoid them at all cost.
So at this point in my life, I can either tell someone I have asthma or choose not to. Either way, it’s not as direct as a latex or peanut allergy (at least not anymore) and doesn’t conflict with my daily routine. Likewise, I hope one mid-morning, whilst drinking a whole milk chai tea latte (because I won’t have ED-induced lactose intolerance anymore) with an oversized cinnamon bun, sitting somewhere beautiful with an equally beautiful man in front of me (because you know…), not caring about my stomach rolls underneath my dress or my thighs touching, he can reference a family member with an eating disorder and I’ll find a twinge of familiarity and connection with it, like remembering someone I’d gone to school with. I’d I’ll remember the year I lost 30 lbs and my period, and can say ‘I’ve got that, too.’
Or maybe not.
Because it really wouldn’t matter either way.
So yeah, BauerPower, we can totally do this!
It may seem like such an impossibility, but ten years ago (I was probably in a hospital room) I would
struggle to laugh if you told me I would go on to do the things I’ve done with my same pair of lungs.
Starve the heck out of the ED!! Personify him. Then defriend, block, and ignore his birthday texts. When he says that we look [negative comment] here, slap him with a Yo Mama joke. Key his car. Steal his dog and give it to a shelter. Break his charger. Lick the icing from between his Oreos and eat the marshmallows from his Lucky Charms. Leave his fridge open.
I think I’m having too much fun with this..
He doesn’t deserve our time. [insert time here] is too much time. We’ve got this sucker in the bag.
Filled with toxic gas.
Suffocating him slowly. ;)
- This reply was modified 9 years, 8 months ago by wordstospeak.