Blog › Forums › Eating Disorders › 15 months free (possible triggers)
- This topic has 2 replies, 3 voices, and was last updated 8 years, 10 months ago by curiouscoconut.
May 25, 2014 at 11:31 am #16508RiotRecoveryParticipant
It’s been 15 months since I last acted out, but this month has been by far the best. I was still dieting and following a “food plan” (that was actually from a treatment center, but very restrictive). I was scared if I ate too much I would act out, but I haven’t and it feels amazing to be “normal!”
I’m still overweight but honesty I don’t care and to me that is recovery. When I was thin I frequently thought “I’d rather die than be fat.” What a sad way to live. So in a way I’m almost happy I put on some weight… Because I really faced my fears not all recovery involves weight gain! I swung between 140lbs and 320lbs more than once so not surprising I ended up in the middle of those numbers, don’t be afraid you might not gain weight). I am slowly getting back into exercise to battle that but my life does not revolve around it! I just want to be healthy.
I get to go out to dinner with my boyfriend and look at the full menu, I get to go grocery shopping without taking anxiety meds, I get to grab a piece of cake on a coworkers birthday, and all without shame.
It feels amazing, not every moment, but overall it’s just a freedom I’ve never felt. It’s taken me years of therapy, medication, and healing to get here but I feel like 180 was the last piece, thanks Matt! So many people still offer restrictive food plans as a cure to EDs and in my experience it was just a different way to practice my ED behaviors.May 28, 2014 at 7:14 pm #16541TinaTParticipant
My diet history is not quite as extreme, but I agree, just letting go, and allowing yourself to eat that slice of cake, guilt-free, is AWESOME. It’s even better now that eating 180 has gotten me on a good metabolism path – where that slice of cake gets digested and disposed of appropriately now – and is no longer stored for emergencies (that never arrive).
I agree. It feels amazing!May 29, 2014 at 5:19 pm #16567curiouscoconutParticipant
Agreed, it does feel amazing and freeing!! I felt Matt’s advice was the final push I needed. I can’t remember which book it was, I think DR 2, but he said something along the lines that someone who is healthy places all food on a neutral playing field. There is no good or bad food. FOR ME, what I took away was that there are certain foods that I will avoid (for religious reasons, health, or otherwise, i.e. PUFA’s, soy, leafy greens), but I won’t obsess or be neurotic if I can’t avoid it. Well, the leafy greens only because eating them causes me severe diarrhea until it is completely gone from my body. Sorry for the TMI!
Anyway, I know the freeing feeling. Congrats and I hope this continues for you!
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