Me and my attempt at recovery (so far)?..

Hi there,
So, I wasn’t really sure what forum to post in but in the end I decided that Eating Disorders was probably the most aptI have a lot to say ? a lot of experiences to share (of dieting, body image issues, hormonal / menstrual irregularities, etc.) and a lot of questions to ask. But as this is an introductory post I guess I’ll just try to keep things as brief as possible and maybe add any further details / ask more questions later?

First of all, some details about me that y?all might want to know?
I’m female. Age 32. Height 5? 5?. Weight in June 132lbs. (Highest Weight: 154lbs. Lowest Weight: 120lbs). Current Weight: I have no idea and have no intention of checking! I started taking my temo with an oral thermometer 3 weeks ago and my waking temp is anywhere between 35.8 (96.4F) and 36.2 (97.2F). I started restricting when I was about 10 years old (my mum put me on a diet because I was chubby), and from then until now I have dieted more or less constantly with numerous different diets. Most didn’t work and the few occasions I did lose weight were a consequence of illness or god knows what. Intentionally losing weight never really seemed to work for me ? my weight always seemed to be something outside my control. Or rather, I tended to feel that my efforts, while intended to achieve weight loss, actually simply stopped me gaining weight. I believed that as soon as I stopped restricting food and/or exercising I would gain weight and that the only way to lose weight was to restrict and exercise more?.I still kind of believe this (as I have no evidence to the contrary?except that further restriction and more exercise never worked?but that’s because I’m weak-willed and lazy and just couldn’t be strict enough?right?! Hmmmm). I have always disliked my body / appearance. I carry excess fat in my upper arms, thighs, butt and face. At my largest I didn’t look ?curvy? I looked dumpy. At my smallest I didn’t look toned or healthy or thin, I looked dumpy?just a smaller dumpy. I have never felt comfortable in my body, at any weight, although I do feel more comfortable when my weight is lower and my stomach is empty.
Okay, moving on?.

So I chose the ED forum because I have finally come to the realisation (and been willing to admit to myself) that, although not suffering from anorexia or (vomiting) bulimia, and despite not being ?underweight?, I have had disordered eating behaviours since about the age of 10. I came to this realisation after coming across Go Kaleo and 180 Degree Health two months ago and since then I have been trying to ?refeed? with the aim of overcoming my lifelong preoccupation with food and weight. However, learning to have a normal and healthy relationship with food (and my body) was not, and is not, the primary reason underlying my decision to Eat The Food?For most of my adult life, if you had asked me what physical / mental / emotional changes I would have liked I would have said the following:

1. I want to be leaner (i.e. not have so much fat on my upper arms, thighs, stomach and face/chin)

3. I want to be happy (i.e. not suffering from low-level but chronic depression)

However, if you had asked me the same question two months ago, I would have added something else to the top of that list:

I want my hormones to be normal.

Now, I live in the UK and it’s VERY hard to get hormones tested ?properly? over here on the NHS and of the few tests I have had done in the past I have always come out as ?in the normal range?. So what made me think I had a hormone problem (despite at least 3 doctors telling me I was all good)? Well,

1. I hadn’t had a period for 2 years, and my periods had been irregular and getting lighter for 4 years prior to their disappearance (although this never really bothered me as my weight was healthy / high and, quite frankly, not having to worry about periods was kind of nice!)

2. I had been taking an oral contraceptive since the age of 19 and whenever I tried to stop taking it, my skin would break out in a big way and after a month or so I would cave and go back to taking the pill.

3. Finally, and this is a biggy, in April of this year I had abdominal surgery to remove a fibroid which had grown to 15cmx11cmx9cm and weighed 1kg. (If you’re interested you can read about my fibroid ?experience? on my blog (http://pearspersonaltraining.com/blog/).

I now have a lovely c-section scar on my abdomen. Just awesome. And apparently fibroids tend to grow back. Double awesome. Needless to say, I DO NOT under any circumstances want to have abdominal surgery again.

I have spoken to my GP and have finally gotten a referral to a gynaecological specialist (you would not believe how hard that was to get!) but my appointment is not until October (thank you NHS). In the meantime, I have been trying to figure out what caused the fibroid to grow, and I came to the conclusion that my amenorrhea, crazy-bad skin (when off the pill, which I have not taken since Sept 2012) and the fibroid were probably all the result of the same underlying hormonal imbalance (whatever that might be)?.after a lot of googling and PubMeding, I decided that maybe I had functional hypothalamic amenorrhea. After a bit more googling I found Go Kaleo and then 180DH and I further decided that, um, maybe I needed to eat more.
So at the beginning of June I started eating a bit more. Nothing too crazy, just adding in an extra bar of chocolate or a flapjack each day. After a few days though I found that I was full-on ?binging? quite regularly ? eating easily 2,000+ kcals in the space of an hour or so (on top of my ?normal? food for the day). Instead of trying to restrict my intake after a ?binge?, I made my way over to YourEatopia and read about people’s recovery experiences there and tried to convince myself that my body’s craving for the excess food was just that ? my body telling me what it needed (rather than my greedy, weak-willed personality getting out of control). Since then I’ve more or less tried to eat whenever I am hungry and whatever I am hungry for. I often find it hard to know whether I truly am hungry or just eating out of boredom/routine, and I can’t always tell the difference between my body wanting to eat something it needs and wanting to eat something I know is ?healthy?. However, on the whole, I think I’m getting better at making these decisions (although I eagerly anticipate the day when I no longer need to devote so much time and brain power to thinking about what I put in my mouth!).

Since eating more food I have noticed a number of ?positives?:
1. I got my period mid-July! This is the first one I’ve had in 2 years, and it is also the heaviest and longest I’ve had in 6 years! For me this is the biggest sign of improvement I could have had. Are my hormones balanced out now? Will I grow another fibroid anyway? Will I get another period next week? Who knows. But one period after so long is a BIG step in the right direction.

2. My boobs are a little bigger. Not much, admittedly, but for the last few years at least I have been a AA and I’d say they are a good A now. I have always had small boobs (even at my heaviest of approx.. 154lb I was only a B cup) but going to a AA was ridiculous?.I thought if I could just get a bit leaner/smaller everywhere else I wouldn’t mind the small boobs but I never managed to achieve that and so always felt (and still do feel) that my body had very unattractive proportions.

3. The hair on my arms and legs has started growing. I didn’t really notice that I had no hair on my upper arms or thighs until it started to grow back about 4 weeks ago ? I started noticing hairs when the light shone on them and thinking ?hmmm, that’s weird, I don’t remember noticing hairs there before?. I then noticed that I need to shave my lower legs more frequently ? I was used to shaving my legs about once every 7-10days (they?d get a bit prickly in this time but nothing too bad and you could barely see the regrowth), but the last week or so I’ve had to shave my legs every 3-5 days, and if I leave them longer they are very rough and the hair regrowth is much more visible. Again, now that I think about it, I always used to shave my legs quite regularly and would be very self-conscious about obvious regrowth. I don’t know when I started needing to shave them less?.at least 4 years ago I would say.

4. My digestion has improved considerably. For the last 2 years or so I have had a ‘very bad stomach??.I would often get a lot of gas, bloating, and pain (sometimes made worse by dairy, bread, fruit, sugar, raw vegetables etc. but not always?often it didn’t matter what I ate) and I also rarely had a firm stool (bowel movements were frequent, but just not firm?.sorry if that’s TMI!!). For the first few weeks of eating more / ?bingeing? my stomach was very uncomfortable and I had no change in these symptoms. But for the last few weeks I have noticed that I can eat more or less anything (dairy, bread, sugar, fruit, raw veg) and I don’t get pain, gas or bloating. My stools are also firmer. My digestion still isn’t great, but it’s MUCH better than it has been.

5. The ?chicken skin? on my upper arms has significantly improved. I have had small, raised red bumps on my arms since I was about 10 years old. The severity of the condition has varied over the years but it has never been as ?good? as it is right now.

Okay, so they’re the positives?what about the negatives?
1. First of all, my skin went all to hell within a week or so of eating more. It wasn’t great to begin with but I suddenly started getting large, red and painful spots on my face (primarily chin, jaw and forehead) and neck. Last week my skin started to clear a little and now it is almost back to normal (which is basically the odd large red spot, and quite a few smaller blackheads / whiteheads). I’m wondering if I will get a flare-up when/if I get my next period.

2. For the first few weeks of eating more I felt like I had more energy, but for the last 2-3 weeks I have been feeling more tired and fatigued and have less energy for workouts / exercise. I know I ‘shouldn’t ? exercise but that is one compromise I will not make ? after my surgery in April I decided to cut out a lot of my ?intense cardio? workouts and decided to focus solely on workouts that were fun and/or performance based. I practice cartwheels &handstands,I practice yoga daily, I climb 2-3 x a week, I run once a week, I Kick-box once a week, and I continue to work on my pull up (I can do 6 consecutive body weight pull ups and I figure that if I can continue to be able to manage 6 despite gaining weight then I can’t have gained too much!!). Basically, exercise for me is part of my identity and it’s a large part of what I enjoy in my life. I try very, very hard to not fall into the trap of working out to burn calories (which I used to do until very recently) and on the whole I think I succeed at that. (Please don’t tell me to exercise less ? I won’t listen and it will p*ss me off.)

3. Okay so this is, for me, and I’m sure for most people on here, the big negative. This is also why I ultimately decided to post this in the ED forum?.I have gained weight / fat and I HATE it. I don’t weigh myself so I have no idea how much actual weight I have gained, but I can feel and see that I have more fat on my body ? especially on my stomach, thighs, butt and lower back. My clothes are tighter and when I do certain yoga poses I can see and feel the extra ?rolls?. Some of this might be water retention ? I definitely wake up some mornings and my legs are slimmer (my ‘skinny? trousers are a very objective measure of this) or my lower back is less pudgy looking. However, I have no clue how to distinguish between fat and water retention! Like I said, I HATE being larger / fatter. Every day I battle with thoughts of ?dieting? again. I think about eating more food but only ?healthy? food. I think about adding in more exercise. I think about trying to eat smaller quantities but more frequently. And sometimes I think about properly dropping my calories back an Intermittent Fasting. I also am constantly looking in the mirror to see how much bigger I look, trying on clothes to see how much tighter they feel, thinking about my size compared to others etc. etc. etc. Basically, a best part of my day, my thoughts and my energy are devoted to my body and the food I eat. I want to think of other things. I want to put my energy into other things. I want to DO other things. But I’m scared that if I stop thinking and monitoring then before I know it I will be 200lb and at a point where I won’t have the mental strength to ever recover. To be honest, even the thought of being 154lb again scares me. I have been incredibly unhappy with my weight, body and appearance ever since I was about 10 years old but I definitely felt worse when I was at my heaviest. As much as I want to get rid of the obsessive thoughts about eating and body shape, I think I want even more to not be ?fat??.for the time being I am keeping the panic under control and am continuing to eat on average 3000+kcals a day. However, I don’t know how much more weight I can gain before I freak out and resort to old habits.

Okay, wow, that was in no way ?brief?. I’m very sorry for the long post!! I guess I don’t really know why I wanted to write thisI think maybe I just needed to share my experience with a group that understands what I’m going through. I literally have no one in my life that I feel prepared to talk to about these things?.not in such an honest way anyway.

If any of you who have managed to stick with me through this ridiculously long ramble have any comments or suggestions for me (except for telling me to exercise less :P ) then I’d love to hear them. Otherwise, I guess you might see me again soon when I have some specific questions in mind!

• This topic was modified 10 years, 4 months ago by spears.
• This topic was modified 10 years, 4 months ago by spears.