July 14, 2013 at 2:59 am #8859
My husband says I’m big and he finds me unattractive now that I’m 137 lbs. It is the heaviest that I have ever been. I should also say that I’m breastfeeding and so I’m bigger than usual. He likes me to be 115 lbs which is what I was before having kids. I am 5’2″ tall and I don’t feel too big myself as the weight that I have gained on this diet is equally distributed and a lot of it went into my boobs. However my husband just sees this fat woman now, it really makes me sad especially as I feel good about myself. I am so upset and scared to continue. :( I don’t understand, I see plenty of men checking me out, yet he’s cold. My libido has finally came back on this diet, but he’d rather have me smaller and frigid…And if I tell him anything, he gets offended because he feels he has right to feel the way he does. I should say that we live in Europe, where people are generally smaller.July 14, 2013 at 9:52 am #8876Matt StoneKeymaster
As an American, this doesn’t surprise me. As far as we know, all European men are gay. 5’2″ and 115 pounds must give you a body almost identical to most 11-year old boys.July 14, 2013 at 11:07 am #8892The Real AmyModerator
Watch it, Matt. I am 5’4 and around 120 lbs and most definitely do not have the body of an 11 year-old boy (and I posted photos a couple months back that prove it!). Smaller women are sexy, too.
Scarlettsmum, I’m sure it must be hard for you. On one hand, your husband is entitled to his physical preferences. He may feel that he signed up for one body type that he prefers, and now it’s changing. European standards are different. I can imagine if I married some robust, beefy guy and he became skinny, I would have some issues. At the same time, when you love another person, hopefully you want them to be healthy above all else. I think the best advice here is to be who YOU want to be, and if it’s a healthy 137 lbs, then you should be that, but it’s possible your husband may decide that he is not ok with that. Maybe couples counseling would be helpful for you both.July 14, 2013 at 11:14 am #8895Matt StoneKeymaster
I know Amy, just sticking up for Scarlettsmum. Stuff like that really annoys me.
What, you thought the person you married was going to look the same for all eternity? That you would be overwhelmingly attracted to the same person every day for the rest of your life? Wake the fuck up dumbass! There’s more to life and more to a human being that you spend your life with than how they look or the shape of their body.
If you want a partner in life that is always hot, never EVER get married. Just keep on dating 25-year olds. They always stay the same age.July 14, 2013 at 12:10 pm #8906
Some tough words here, but I can take it. He is not planning on divorcing me, he’s just freaking out. It was sparked by the fact that I said I need to buy some clothes that fit me and that’s when he realised that this may be a long term change. He said that maybe he needs to accept that woman’s body change after kids and that he finds it hard to come to terms with that I’m bigger.
I have to say that Matt is right about me looking like a 11 year old boy at 115 lbs. I was just too small and now with two kids I don’t know how I would carry them and all, being so small. I feel more womanly now and if I wear the right clothes that are not too tight, I actually like what I see in the mirror.July 14, 2013 at 1:43 pm #8921JdubsParticipant
If you are liking what you see in the mirror that’s great! So many people don’t. Matt is right. Our bodies and mental make up change as we go through life. It’s like that old adage, you can never step in the same river twice. That’s part of the challenge of being married I guess. He should probably just be happy that your not on some crazy diet kick anymore and trying to force the family to all eat kale chips or something ;) Me personally? I have never been one for the skinny chicks.July 15, 2013 at 10:28 am #9022RobModerator
I think all of those improvements [fuller butt, boobs, enhanced mood and libido] are right on, but I hear your concerns Celia. Some dudes will freak out, and even if they’re supportive, they may lose some attraction, despite their best intentions.
Think about it like this: if your dude had a high status career that drew you to him (doctor, lawyer, athlete, whatever), and the stress of it gets to him, and he eventually leaves to pursue something that will make him happier, you probably would intellectually support him. That’s great dear- I want you to be happy, not stressed out, enjoy your life, etc. But maybe he’s lost some economic security, as time goes on, and the success in his new venture isn’t panning out. You may lose attraction to him, even if your rational mind doesn’t want to, wants to instead be supportive.
I think it’s like that for guys. The attraction triggers tend to be hard-wired, even if they no longer mean what they may once have meant (health and fertility). Even if the economic climate primes the pump for the failure of many, just as the cultural climate primes the pump for fat gain, not everyone can rationally override those triggers and attraction may wane.
That said, as Matt alludes to [in thread], attractiveness can take many forms. Improved mood and sex drive are huge for dudes, along with all that favorable recomposition. A lady who’s pleasant and hot to trot and excited to jump your bones will easily edge out the cover model who’s a harpy and doles out duty sex once every few weeks.
And if you can muster the courage and see the recovery process run its course to the end, you end up with the best of all worlds- a healthy, vibrant, sexy lady with an easygoing disposition.
In that quote about the adrenal type in DR2, my favorite section is this:
?A member of the adrenal-type group has a phlegmatic disposition ? easygoing, jolly, slow to anger, never bothered with insomnia, fear or ?cold feet. He will often go out of his way to avoid a quarrel. Customarily, he has a wide circle of friends because he is warm-hearted and surrounded by an ?aura? of kindly sympathy.
I can’t tell you how attractive that is, in both friendship and romance.
—July 15, 2013 at 11:32 am #9026j-loParticipant
@scarlettsmum – I’d wager that most men who believe that they are attracted to a certain “look” are actually just brainwashed and mind-controlled by media images. I observe the cultural stereotypes of what is attractive, and I find that I actually am repulsed! The women we are instructed to find attractive are generally caked over with layers of bizarre makeup, underfed, scrawny and weak-looking, and obviously insecure about their own bodies. That is NOT attractive! So we have a choice: we can continue to perpetuate these destructive and harmful stereotypes and mind-control, or we can completely disregard it and have independent self-confidence. Your husband is obviously not in his right mind. He’s not seeing you for who you are. He’s seeing you through the lens of some totally skewed cultural stereotype. He’s been trained to believe that skinny and waif-like are attractive, but it’s just conditioning, not reality. It’s good to hear that you’re liking the way you look and the way you feel now. THAT is what is important. He is the one that needs to wake up and get on board. You aren’t obligated to match his fantasy. He’s the one that has to get with reality.July 15, 2013 at 12:50 pm #9040
Thank you all very much for your replies. I have been taking it easy today, eating less, but still enough, and generally just watching my fluid intake. I will probably just focus on rest more now, less food and hoping for the best when and if. :)July 15, 2013 at 7:02 pm #9075LiandaModerator
The most attractive characteristic for those people who are not needy, is confidence in others. Unfortunately, your husband’s remarks to you are undercutting your self-confidence, and self-esteem.
So many of the comments above are Truth (and even Matt’s funny remarks). The challenge for you is to BE YOU. Don’t give into fear and try to make yourself into someone different to please ANYONE. Either your husband will realize WHY he loves you; or you may find that he doesn’t love YOU but only the temporary exterior of what houses your beautiful soul! (sorry if this is too spiritual or woo-woo). Youthful beauty will fade: IF you are lucky enough to live long! You are growing as a mother with your changed lifestyle.
And, from your reply: you are “eating less” – Remember- that will only SLOW down your metabolism – and DRY UP your milk! So your choice is: do you change yourself for your husband’s esthetic preferences, or do you continue to provide the most healthy food for your baby AND yourself?
It may be time for you to have a serious talk, with your heart, and then with your husband to try to connect and find out what is really going on. (maybe he’s feeling jealous of the baby…. stranger things have been known to happen to men after a baby is born!)
I wish you all the best –
LiandaJuly 16, 2013 at 10:20 pm #9204VizzyCParticipant
I’m trying really hard not to go off the handle here, but I’m trying to have a 360 point of view here ;)
Your husband is of course entitled to his opinion. Unfortunately, his opinion only serves to clarify his lack of maturity. How old are you both? Are you both European? I do see it slightly differently if your husband is in fact European. We can’t expect the same social norms from other cultures.
Human beings are aesthetically inclined creatures by nature. That being said most human being arguably reach their fertility peak somewhere in early adulthood, this then creates the framework for a biological aesthetic preference for this look. Men are even more inclined to be focused on aesthetics!
Only through knowledge, life experience, compassion, and understanding can humans rise above our biological primitive default to see other “colors” of a person’s beauty.July 16, 2013 at 10:29 pm #9206VizzyCParticipant
Another note. Men often ask me for advice on their girlfriends/wives. One of the biggest complaints being how come she won’t put out? My advice……
If your gf is not putting out, is bitchy, and complaining…..GIVE HER WHATEVER THE FUCK she wants!!!! Woman act like this because they are TIRED, and stressed out. A woman’s body is not like a man’s body. A woman’s endocrine system is more sensitive to stress.
Trust me a woman who is happy, and healthy is a woman who is puttin’ out. So help with the damn dishes, rub her feet, take an errand off her hands, pick dinner up for her.
Soooooo maybe, if your husband shuts the fuck up, and helps you with those kids, the sooner you can have your PRE-STRESSEDTHEFUCKOUT body back.July 17, 2013 at 3:57 am #9221
Thanks again or all you wisdom everybody. At the moment I have made peace with my body and just eat intuitively and a major thing for me is not to track temperatures, because I tend to obsess over it too much. So at the moment I am just chilling. :)July 17, 2013 at 6:57 am #9228SBC037Participant
Or to summarise, just to make it even easier for the blokes to understand, Happy Wife = Happy Life.July 17, 2013 at 10:55 am #9244
Yeah, so true :))
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