A lifetime of dieting has left me at 260 lbs

Hello there! I am new here, and realizing that a lifetime of dieting has completely wrecked my metabolism. I thought I’d detail my many ‘successes’ and ‘failures’ below… hopefully this all resonates with you.

Bear with me, but this is a LONG story! I am a 34 year old woman, and I remember my mother putting me on a diet as early as the age of 8. I was mildly chubby (compared to poor kids today, I was pretty slim in comparison), and did slim down, but as soon as puberty hit I was chubby yet again. I think even as a kid I had a sluggish metabolism, as by the time I was 8 or 9 I no longer wanted to play outside. My mother also has an ED and most likely dieted throughout her pregnancy with me, as well as beforehand.

I was a contentedly chubby teen, and packed on a lot of weight when I got a car and started eating out a lot (PUFA’s!), and exited highschool at 230 pounds. Then, I guess I started to get self conscious because I decided starving myself and only drinking coffee would be a GREAT idea. At this time I really only had the general knowledge of eating less would make me lose weight. I got down to 205 pounds by the time I started college.

Then, in some stroke of brilliance, I decided become a vegan would be an awesome lifestyle choice. I was 19 at the time, and lost about 50 pounds in a very short amount of time… less than 5 months. I was pretty happy with my appearance, but physically I felt like dog doo-doo. Six months into my veganism, I am pretty sure my thyroid and adrenals shit the bed. I was literally BED RIDDEN for months. I had to sleep 14-16 hours a day just to be able to go to class. Doctors were confounded. I also developed gallstones and had to get my gallbladder removed. My hair also thinned A LOT.

After surgery I ditched veganism and went vegetarian, and put back on 15 lbs, but felt LOADS better. I blamed all my health issues on my gallbladder. I maintained that weight for several years, except after a very stressful event four years later I gained 25 pounds. That weight stayed on for many years, plus more steady weight gain lead to me being 280 lbs eventually (but very briefly). All weight gain seemed to correlate to a very major stressful event. I also never ate consistently, and would eat restaurant (PUFA’s) a lot.

Then at age 30 I tried raw veganism and lost 50 pounds again. Gained that back, and at age 32 was 260 pounds. Then, I went low carb. Lost 30. Gained back 10. Started having crazy fatigue, hair falling out, and insanely heavy periods. Diagnosed with Hashimoto’s/Hypothyroid. Went on a very restrictive autoimmune supressing diet. Lost 15 pounds in a month.

Then, this past November… I just…. went WILD on food. I had the most INSANE cravings. I couldn’t get enough Chick-Fil-A. I have gained 35 pounds since November, even with thyroid meds. I’m tired of dieting, of being restricted, but I am also.. now, presently at 260 pounds, feeling as though I cannot afford more weight gain. Scared, but still logging in 3000+ calories. My sisters (I have two) are both still low carbing and are appalled that I am gorging on white rice and ice cream. I feel remarkably better eating carbs. I notice my hair is thicker and grows faster when I eat carbs. Twice in the past six months I have tried going ketogenic again, only to find myself GAINING or losing very little, whereas before I lost 20 pounds in mere weeks.

It seems it’s always feast or famine with me. I’m not sure why I never thought I could deserve just somewhere in the middle. I’m very nervous about trying to just eat to appetite with the foods that will give my cells the energy they need.