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I am a certified Lymphatic Massage Therapist and Life Coach. I can massage your lymphs or tell you how to live your life. You choose. Or I can do both. You choose. For a limited time only I am making my services available free of charge to members of this forum who fulfill the proper prerequisites. Be prepared to answer a brief questionnaire to determine if you qualify.
Since I’m on the other side of the world, can we combine the two and you tell me how to massage my lymph?
@redm72, despite what The Real Amy says, you can’t properly do a lymphatic massage on yourself. Besides that I am an Intutive Masseur, so I could teach some tecniques but it wouldn’t be the same. Where is the other side of the world? Australia, New Caledonia, New Jersey? I am afraid I have to do the Lymphatic Massage in person.
When I was deep into my new age phase I once called myself “a transformation coach.” I can now spot a douche from a mile away. Takes one to know one. Thomas can spot one light years away!
By the way Thomas, a friend of mine got dumped by her boyfriend recently. Afterward, he walked into the forest for 6 days and came out “enlightened.” He is now juice fasting and awake 22 hours a day talking about how everyone is now “his angel.” After enlightenment he immediately had a vision of some kind and moved to Marin County.
I thought you would be pleased to know that. Be on the lookout for him.
Sounds like this guy needs to get laid. Good luck to him, because I am not sure people have sex in Marin County, unless it’s with Aliens or Tantrikas.
Matt, thanks for the heads-up. Yes, these types always end up in Marin County. Open any New-Age or Self-help book at random and look at the address of the author. 9 times out of 10, it’s going to be some place in Marin County: Mill Valley, San Raphael, Sausalito, Tiburon. Too bad because Marin County is a really beautiful place.
Thomas, I’m a Certified BodyRight NewFit SimpleCleanz Practitioner Trainer, and I can tell, based on reading your irises that you are in need of my training. You can send me $2500 downpayment to reserve your spot in my upcoming teleseminar. There are only 2 spots left, so act quickly. After this seminar I am booked for the next two years, so this is your last chance until 2015! During the teleseminar I will initiate the Beta-Healing energy circuit in your subtle energy body. Beware of anyone else claiming they can do this for you. I am the only one who can do this energy circuit initiation! Fake initiations can reverse the polarity of your subtle energy and cause a spiritual crisis!
@j-lo. Glad that you’re there for me, man. Where do I send the money? Please tell me that operators are standing by.
@Caz, yeah dude, I use a garden water hose.
Don’t forget the coffee enemas. And high himalayan raw organic goji juice chasers. Plus David Wolfe will be standing by with a certified all raw, unfermented, totally pure cacao bliss IV. Man, it’s going to be AWESOME!
I will be hosting a live event this fall where I will be injecting my feces in the rectums of all those with Leaky Gut Syndrome. I will be charging a shitload.
@Matt Stone – holy shit! I know this is supposed to be the humor forum, but are you aware how dangerously close to reality you are with that joke? http://ryan-koch.blogspot.com/2011/08/fecal-transplants-turd-twister.html
Okay, nevermind. I’m guessing you do know. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fecal_bacteriotherapy The things I don’t know about. Just when I thought I knew it all!
I’ve totally thought of trying the poo injection route… haven’t ruled it out yet! Matt, I think you should just go with the Dali Lama poop pill http://www.taoistmasterblog.com/tibetan-buddhism-scary-poop-eating-alchemy/ Make the poo go further= more profits… or better yet make it a suppository.
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