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Yesterday i had Friends on in the background while eating and all i could think of was “god,i wish i were the female version of Joey….not giving a flying fuck about how much you eat and what,not doing a damn thing and feeling content with it.” I wish i had his simplistic&emotional peasized brain.
I know hes a fictional character,but i also know reallife people who are more simple/less intelligent (without meaning to insult them). The thing all these people have in common is. That theyre more happy/cheerful&optimistic carefree in general,i think bc they lack a certain degree of braincapacity. Again this may sound harsh&condescending but thats not how i meant it at all!
I wish i were one of those people bc to me ‘being intelligent’ sucks @ss! I constantly wish there would be a possibillity that i could just erase my brain.
And b4 people start with the therapy,mindfullnes,meditation etc. Ive done so much different @hit in the past and i think it only backfired on me and fuelled the mind even more…Dutchie, if it makes you feel any better, your comment — especially the way you described Joey — was hilarious!
I’m a lot like what you describe — in yourself, not Joey, ha ha. I kind of agree with you on the mindfulness stuff — as practiced in contemporary self-help, “wellness,” etc., contexts.
However, when I’ve read up on the actual, ancient religious traditions that birthed meditative practice, *that* was much more interesting to me and made it seem deeply valuable and authentic. I mean, meditating to access divinity and ancient tradition — now that’s special, and I’m not even much of a believer. Meditating to be “less stressed” — well to me, I struggle with the boredom and smallness of that. It’s like the Goethe quote: “Dream no small dreams for they have no power to move the hearts of men.”
For me personally, writing brings more clarity. An intelligent mind MUST have an outlet. Happy-go-lucky is fine for Joey, but smart people, by nature, must do something more. Perhaps I’m just too Western, but for me the attempt at expressing it in writing is what allows me to “let go” of whatever neurotic hang-up I have at the moment. I have great respect for the traditions that created meditative practice, and plan to keep trying, but for now writing is more effective for me.
In the past,therapists mentioned i should write and i did but i found it to be more of a chore,than a relief.
Ever since a couple of years ago,when the life i knew then fell apart,i feel like im in this transitioning phase…everything almost i did&liked back then,even was passionate about is of no importance to me anymore at all! Yet i also dont seem to find new interests or something im passionate about anymore…
I keep being stuck in this food/exercise/restlesness anxietycycle,unemployed and no idea where to go from there or what id liked to do jobwise….or any general goals in life for that matter.
Meditation&stuff only makes me more anxious,the thougth of having to sit down makes me anxious already…..and this coming from a former chubby couchpotato who sometimes for enjoyment installed herself on the couch with a blanket pizzas&other shit and kept entire movie- and telethon weekends!
I dont know what i feel comfortable with! Only at nigthtime my moods lift and i become a positive person.
Lately im. Trying to delve&understand more about the hormones serotonin,tryptophan,estrogen that ray peat writes about a lot….as i sometimes think there has gone something wrong with my serotonin/dopamine connection for years. I always craved&ate high serotonin/tryptophan foods like wheat,chicken,tomatobased dishes and also high pufa foods. They gave me a blissful feeling while eating,yet hours later or day after i felt lethargic/depressed/crying/angerball.Several therapists also ‘labelled’ me as a highly sensitive person. One explained to me that this basically means that my emotional brain and my rational brain are constantly figthing over eachother for attention. In a normal person both brainparts are equally strong. That probably explains why ive always struggled with finding&keeping balance in everything and thus have become such a controlfreak and harsh selfpunisher.
So yeah,i raise both my hands….and my feet!
Ugh….life is so long and exhausting this way.Dutchie, I’m so sorry you’re struggling like this. I won’t presume to give any advice, but you have my solidarity.
I will just mention this: If you have, or have ever had, any creative inclinations whatsoever, a book that has really helped me in the past is Julie Cameron’s The Artist’s Way. If you think you might have something to express creatively or vocationally, this book can help loosen things up. It has a bit of a New Agey tone, but it’s not woo-woo, it’s very practical.
Thanx,I actually know the book….ever since I was a child I always interested in creative stuff. I still find some things interesting that I’d like to learn,but for some reason I get very anxious feelings when I want to even try doing something creative…apart from the fact that I have no money to follow a course/workshop,supplies etc. I can’t stay at home especially during the day makes me fly up the wall,I mostly am away/at the gym/outside it eases my anxieties a bit while I “dream” about what I’d like to be doing instead/having some kind of life.
You are going to get back on track. Do you feel you have enough social interaction? What you described sounds kind of isolated. If I am too isolated, I really suffer.
I only have one good friend left,but its kind of. A double edged sword.
Sure i sometimes run in on the disadvantages of no friends but on the other hand im totally fine,glad even,with it bc i get easily carried away in friendships and im now going to places on my own,talking to strangers etc.which in the past i didnt dare think about bc ‘people migth think you have no friends/life…kinda socially strange’ and now that i actually am,i dont even think about it let alone bother!
In a way its back to my childhood roots,where i was alone most of the time too bc my parents worked in the bakery downstairs and we lived in the city so there were no other kids or room to play outside.
I do go out and wander in the city,gym etc.and talk to people so i do need interaction but i simultaneously like the having of no obligations/strings attached to. People.Hi Dutchie, I feel like I have a little in common with you. I would love to be more laid-back, happy person, but I’m not made that way. Where you feel happy at night I feel more lonely. Then the next day I just get on with my day and feel ok. For a long time I have been wondering what am I supposed to do with my life? I never wanted a career. I just wanted to get married and be a mom. I did that and my son is grown so now what do I do?
I like food and gardening. The food part worked out well when I discovered wap because that takes so much planning ahead and time. Now I’m a little tired of it. I still want to eat clean but don’t want to make everything from scratch. I know a family at the farmers market who bakes bread from fresh ground wheat. I recently found out she has a helper and I just blurted out that I want to be a helper. She emailed me to say she will have me come out soon to help. It’s not full time (which I don’t want) and no pay, but it will get me out of the house with something to do, and who knows where it will lead? I also asked another woman who grows and sells veggies at the market if I could help her next spring just so I can learn whatever it is I don’t know about gardening. Every year I try to grow a good garden and something always goes wrong.
The reason I’m telling you this is I feel this is a passion for me so I am trying to do something about it. The next time you see something or read about something that makes you feel something inside, consider that this might be the thing you want to do.
@Linda I’m sorry that you feel lonely at nigth,I’ve struggled for years with that especially when the first years when I was moved out. Lots of people,especially women feel lonely at nigth…missing a partner&such.Though that was not the kind of ‘happy’ I meant.
Anyway,have you considered a pet to combat that loneiness?…I’d love to have a dog,but I financially cant give a dog a stable safe life now apart from the fact that a dog also asks for certain responsabillities&commitment which I also cant make a longterm commitment for since I have no idea what direction Im going at. I know cats are a bit easier regarding this,but I feel my appartment is too small to keep a cat and not having an option to go outside,despite the fact that I’m more of a dogperson.I get the point you’re making. It’s just that,especially during the day most things are just ‘meh’ to me…..there’s nothing I feel passionate about anymore or worth to face my fears for.
Its all contradicting bc on the one hand I feel&function better when mostly outside,keep on moving etc. so the only joboption I could figure out that fit these criterias are in the world of gardening&the likes,so I’ve done voluntary&temporary work in this field and I’m trying really hard to seek some kind of enjoyment in it,but truth is that I don’t.
Never been someone that gets in awe by things in nature…I can look at something and think it looks nice but thats it,moment’s over.Post title made me think of this video. :-D
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