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  • in reply to: In defense of cardio #13457

    Hi David :)

    I’m curious – how are you getting on with your cardio? Are you still enjoying it, feeling good and seeing progress?


    in reply to: Me and my attempt at recovery (so far)?.. #11147

    Hi saisrice and homepearle :)

    Thank you so much for your replies – if nothing else, it is so reassuring to connect with people who are going through the same thing and understand the mental and emotional turmoil that seems to accompany this process. I’m also very happy to hear that reading my post made you feel better homepearle!

    saisrice, you are 100% right about using clothes as a means of ‘weighing’!! I think because I have spent many years in the personal training / fitness world I have bought into the whole ‘the scale doesn’t matter, it’s how your clothes fit’ premise. Hence, I kind of feel that I don’t care if I weigh ‘X’ as long as my size does not increase. After reading your reply last night I actually caved and tried on my ‘skinny’ trousers (I had avoided them for about 2 weeks as they were getting very tight and I ‘knew’ my thighs and butt had gotten bigger). Anyway, I discovered that my trousers no longer fit AT ALL…this prompted me to tear through my wardrobe looking for outfits that I could wear that looked cute and made me feel good. To my horror I found that a large percentage of my clothes do not fit or look hideous….

    I kind of freaked out at this point and felt completely distraught – thoughts of 1800kcal diets and 2 x a day training sessions started creeping through my mind…I really HATE being this much bigger!!! It reminds me so much of when I was a teenage and desperately unhappy (very , very close to suicidal) and I hated everything about my appearance (my skin, my hair, my double chin, my face in general).. I can’t go back to that. I just can’t.

    Eventually, however, I kind of managed to talk myself down from the ledge as it were, and this morning I’ve managed to put up a make-shift barrier to prevent me getting near the edge again.

    I asked myself what bothered me about getting bigger (besides reminding me of my teenage years) and these are the things that I came up with:

    1. I think of being big as being unfit (when I was a teenager I did NO exercise AT ALL)

    2. I think of being big as being horribly ‘fat’ (i.e. lots of flabby flesh and cellulite)

    3. I don’t fit in a lot my clothes (mainly shorts, trousers and tight/short tops)

    So, the things is:

    1. I’m NOT unfit – I can go out and run 3 miles easily, anytime I like. I can perform 6-8 bodyweight chin ups. I can blast my way through a Body Combat class and perform as well as or better than most of the guys. I can do handstands against a wall, and cartwheels, and I can do some pretty awesome yoga poses. I’m also not too bad at climbing (for a girl). All of this is still true, despite the weight gain.

    2. I don’t actually look that different naked….I am bigger, and I can see that I have more fat on my stomach and legs, but it doesn’t look ‘bad’ (in the way that I have sometimes looked when I have gained a lot of water weight after a ‘binge’)…I’m just bigger.

    3. This is the big realisation I think…..I think I need to get rid of the clothes that don’t fit me. Apart from a few pairs of shorts and a dress, all the clothes that don’t fit me are at least 5 years old. First of all, I’m not sure that many of them were even that flattering before I gained the weight recently – my body has changed shape quite a bit since I started lifting (think massive lats / back and arms) and so certain cuts just don’t look good on me. Secondly, and perhaps more importantly, I don’t know why I need to fit into those clothes!! Part of me thinks “well ‘X’ at work is a lovely healthy size and shape and she would look awesome in those clothes – if she can be that size and look good then so should you.” I also kind of have this belief that women only look good when they’re small. However, when I think about it, I can think of plenty of women who are lean and look awesome (think Juli Bauer from PALEOMG or Sofia Vergare – as she is now, not when she was in her 20s) but who are in no way ‘small’ or ‘petite’ and when I think of them trying to squeeze into my ‘thin’ clothes I can see that they would have the same problems as me!! So…although I am not happy with the fat I have accumulated lately and at some point I would like to look more ‘toned’ (hate that word, but everyone knows what is meant by it), I am not going to hold onto the hope of being a certain dress size. I am going to get rid of my ‘thin’ clothes and this weekend I intend to go out and buy a couple of new outfits that suit my current shape and make me look and feel good (if that’s possible :/ ).

    At the end of the day, I want to look attractive. I think it’s time I learned that taking up less space does not make someone more attractive – it’s not the amount of space you take up, it’s the quality of the stuff you fill the space with.

    PS – This is Juli Bauer…. ….now way would those awesome thighs (or lats or arms) fit into my ‘thin’ clothes.

    PPS saisrice , I’ve have ‘flirted’ with Mindfullness in the past….I will get on that again!! Thanks for the reminder / prompt :)

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