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wordstospeak

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Viewing 4 posts - 16 through 19 (of 19 total)
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  • in reply to: Have my recovery attempts ruined my metabolism, Matt? #9720
    wordstospeak
    Participant

    Yeah, BauerPower, I like to think of this ED as my asthma. When I was much younger, I had season passes to a hospital near where I lived. Since I was around 5, every fall, without fail, I was sure to have a room booked just for me. Stay 4 nights, get the 5th night free deals and all.

    I spent my 10th birthday in the hospital and never even got to eat any cake! But I digress…

    Outside the hospital, I’ve awoken many nights thinking there were cats screeching (or whatever that demonic noise they make is) in my room, only to realize it my own breathing. Then came the fun part of being rushed by an ambulance or having to pull out the old trusty nebulizer. Running and cold weather were like tar to my lungs. (I tried ice skating once. It didn’t go too well.) It wasn’t until I was 14-15ish that I didn’t need to carry my inhaler around my neck. In middle school, I played 2, yes 2, wind instruments, not to mention soccer, tennis, and just a little thing called track. Exactly how I managed to do this with and live is beyond me, but I haven’t spent a night in the hospital for a good 4 or 5 years now, and I hardly ever have to use my inhaler, unless, of course, I’m looking to make an otherwise boring afternoon fairly interesting.

    Before, during, and after the lowest point of my ED, I was able run a crazy amount of miles without feeling like I was breathing through a straw.

    And I mean all this to say that I still have asthma.

    It’s controllable– not something you could lose switching purses or really grow out of.

    But to thine own self be true.

    You think you’re good, and then, bam, you’re in a pet shop and you’re allergic to bird powerdown. Then boom, you’re wheezing and need to pull out an inhaler (like a boss). And then you’re fine again.

    Asthma is like lung allergy. ED is like a brain allergy. (Probably a bad analogy, but you get the point.) And so just because I haven’t been as sick as I was for years, it doesn’t mean that I should burn every inhaler I own, pick up a smoking habit, buy a bird, or all of the above. They’re called triggers, just like with ED. One should avoid them at all cost.

    So at this point in my life, I can either tell someone I have asthma or choose not to. Either way, it’s not as direct as a latex or peanut allergy (at least not anymore) and doesn’t conflict with my daily routine. Likewise, I hope one mid-morning, whilst drinking a whole milk chai tea latte (because I won’t have ED-induced lactose intolerance anymore) with an oversized cinnamon bun, sitting somewhere beautiful with an equally beautiful man in front of me (because you know…), not caring about my stomach rolls underneath my dress or my thighs touching, he can reference a family member with an eating disorder and I’ll find a twinge of familiarity and connection with it, like remembering someone I’d gone to school with. I’d I’ll remember the year I lost 30 lbs and my period, and can say ‘I’ve got that, too.’

    Or maybe not.

    Because it really wouldn’t matter either way.

    So yeah, BauerPower, we can totally do this!

    It may seem like such an impossibility, but ten years ago (I was probably in a hospital room) I would struggle to laugh if you told me I would go on to do the things I’ve done with my same pair of lungs.

    Starve the heck out of the ED!! Personify him. Then defriend, block, and ignore his birthday texts. When he says that we look [negative comment] here, slap him with a Yo Mama joke. Key his car. Steal his dog and give it to a shelter. Break his charger. Lick the icing from between his Oreos and eat the marshmallows from his Lucky Charms. Leave his fridge open.

    I think I’m having too much fun with this..

    He doesn’t deserve our time. [insert time here] is too much time. We’ve got this sucker in the bag.

    Filled with toxic gas.

    Suffocating him slowly. ;)

    • This reply was modified 10 years, 7 months ago by wordstospeak.
    in reply to: Have my recovery attempts ruined my metabolism, Matt? #9686
    wordstospeak
    Participant

    velvetsquishy..sending love right back at you! I’m glad my crisis could produce thoughts that inspire. (Hard?)

    David..Yes! That motto is so great. It really is a recipe for happiness. Have you read 180D’s new blog post Input=Output and The Extinction of Absolutes? It’s like the same thing! And I love it!

    It’s definitely worth a (re)read and I think can be implemented either gradually or all at once. As long as the gradual doesn’t take so long that we forget. *Fist bump of support*

    I think the whole point is that nothing will make anyone happy except for actually being happy and Christ Himself. I’m taking a shortcut past the overthinking and overexercising and want to get to the meat of it.

    in reply to: Have my recovery attempts ruined my metabolism, Matt? #9619
    wordstospeak
    Participant

    velvetsquishyYou’re post was the first thing I read this morning, and I’m so glad you wrote that. ‘Powerful’ is an understatement. You’re right. Like one hundred percent right. Your anger and passion really fueled me to get mad it too. It’s really not something to play with and it’s no way to live. I learned that from remembering all the mental hell and missed periods I experienced. Since last November, I haven’t relapsed back to those old habits to the extent that I had. It’s just those sometimes rare and lingering thoughts of feeling that everyone should be thin and all that garbage jazz. I’m 165 now, and the key to overcoming those thoughts (so they don’t toy with my eating habits), is to love every single ounce of it. Because that’s me. It’s part of me and no one really cares. And even if they did, they could screw themselves mind their own business because hating myself is the worst thing I’ve ever done. No one takes care of a car that they hate.

    That’s why I’ve written Play Hard, Eat Hard, Sleep Hard, on an big piece of paper in my room. At first, I thought Matt had been incredibly vague. Inspiring, seeing that he had written it and all, and incredibly timely, but a bit vague. So I meditated on it for hours up until now and it makes perfect sense. I’m not really sure where my metabolism is at, and I know the Minnesota Starvation Experiment results concerning it, but what I do know that the body is incredibly resilient.

    So this is what I got from it…
    Play Hard: Not exercise hard. Not ‘burn off your food’ hard (as if it were that simple). Not ‘she’s so fit, I should be to’ hard. But play hard. Like children who run around climbing trees and chasing stuff with no consideration of the ‘health benefits’. Like you said, look myself in the eye and say that it had nothing to do with weight loss. That’s the key. Intentional weight loss isn’t the answer.
    Play hard means playing soccer and tennis with friends because I’ve loved them from the time I learned to walk. It means hiking these beautiful mountains I live on and get away from the glare of my computer. If it’s fun, I shall do it. And do it hard.

    Eat Hard: Not eat ‘clean’ hard. Not ‘consider the calories’ hard. Not eat ‘when it’s convenient’ hard. It’s eat whatever I want, whenever I want, even when it’s not convenient, until I’m satisfied (not when I think I ‘ought’ to be satisfied). It means eating like I don’t care, because I don’t. And I shall eat it…hard.

    Sleep Hard: Not ‘is it midnight already?’ hard. It’s using the timer I installed on my phone and using it well. Shut the lights and shut my eyes. Hard.

    I added another one, and of course at this point I’m just writing down my thoughts, is to Live Hard. Not ‘watch the days pass by’ hard. I mean genuine childlike-wonder-exploration-imagination-humorous-selflove living.

    So what’s different from the last time I tried to be normal? I’m going to suck it up and see what kind of therapy I could get for body image and actively love myself. No negative thoughts. Ever. I’m not going to give myself permission to love myself until after x amount of weight is loss. That’s what messed me up the last time.

    Thank you all so much!

    • This reply was modified 10 years, 7 months ago by wordstospeak.
    in reply to: Have my recovery attempts ruined my metabolism, Matt? #9488
    wordstospeak
    Participant

    Thanks Matt. Great timing! I just cried (and I’m not a crier by any means) because after looking at old pics I can’t believe I thought I needed to lose weight in the first place. I definitely do not want to be 300 lbs at any point in my life. I love your Play, Eat, and Sleep Hard mentality because it sounds like my childhood. I feel like I have so much energy to burn, even during the 7 months I spent not consciously overeating. (If it weren’t for those damned body dissatisfaction thoughts…)

    Do you think I could go back to eating to hunger (without restriction ) and running/playing tennis? Whatever weight I know I’ve gained in these past two weeks are beyond uncomfortable, and if I knew I had a year to live, I wouldn’t spend it feeling like a beached whale.

    Would it be ok to start playing hard in this way without messing up my metabolism?

Viewing 4 posts - 16 through 19 (of 19 total)