By Scott Abel
In terms of knowing, accepting and understanding that diet-psychology is ALWAYS going to be more important than ?nutrition knowledge and information? -> Take a real client of mine, Debra for instance: Her story follows. And I offer it because it is a common story for ladies, although there may be subtle variations for each individual of course.
Debra’s first memories of being conscious of her body in a negative way was when she was about 7-8 yrs. old and she remembers being in the doctor’s office and getting weighed. She remembers at the time connecting this with seeing her mother weigh herself at home all the time and watching her mother reacting emotionally to the number on the scale ? sometimes reacting positively, sometimes negatively. But the doctor that day didn’t just weigh Debra ? he was pinching her skin here and there and making comments. From that day on Debra told me ? she remembers being very self-conscious of her weight and her appearance. And she projected this perception onto everyone else; thinking that everyone else was treating her as if she had some kind of problem.
And as I see so often in my work, it doesn’t take long for a perception to manifest into a reality, even a false perception. No matter how Debra looked, no matter what she weighed, she just didn’t like what she saw in the mirror. And seeing her mother cursing the bathroom scale had a major unconscious influence on Debra’s own self-rejection as well.
Debra started to feel invisible. As she grew up, of course she dated and did all the usual activities suitable to her age group. But she never felt good enough or pretty enough ? and she especially never felt thin enough. She always felt for sure that the guys she was dating must have been more interested in other girls. In her teen years, she truly believed that to keep guys interested she needed to be thin like the other popular girls. It never occurred to her at that young age, that maybe a goal of ?keeping guys interested? and needing that kind of validation from others, maybe these weren’t very healthy goals to have to begin with.
Nevertheless, Debra set out to engage one deprivation diet after another, often going all day without eating ? only to come home at night and binge alone. In fact she even began looking forward to bingeing alone. It was kind of like her comfort zone where she didn’t have to worry or focus on who liked her, and who didn’t. And she could allow herself to be completely caught up in the moment. But this pattern of dieting, starving and bingeing went on for several years.
Debra did finally meet someone. And she got married. And she remembers ?dieting and working out religiously? for her wedding day, as so many ladies do. To Debra this was of course a legitimate reason to diet and starve, and so she did, like so many other ladies I’ve dealt with over the years who engage a deprivation diet for their ‘special day? ?only to never look like that again. But like every other deprivation diet she suffered through – once the wedding was over and she had to settle into a new life; she was overwhelmed, and she lost control again ? and of course began bingeing alone, and overeating in general.
This is what happens when you never address causes and only treat ‘symptoms? of an underlying issue. This is what happens when you delude yourself about what your true issues are, and you deflect them onto appearance, and filter them through diet, dieting, and weight-control. This is the oh-so common lie ladies tell themselves.
Looking at her own wedding pictures on the mantle?made her even more disgusted with herself now. And one day a comment from her husband sent her into a tailspin of depression. He looked at the wedding pictures on the mantle and commented, ?Remember her?? pointing to the thinner but unreal and unsustainable version of Debra. She was crushed, still living inside herself as that young girl in the doctor’s office and as that young teenager – ‘still desperately seeking validation from someone else, preferably, a man ? in this case, her man. His ongoing comments about her weight only brought on more shame inside her. To compensate, she put on this air of being ?Darling Debra? ? trying to be sweet and kind to everyone even when she didn’t feel like it.
She was getting further and further away from her authentic self ? and further and further away from owning and trusting her authentic emotions. And the more she pretended on the outside, the worse she felt about herself on the inside; and of course then the more she ate as well.
Remember -> Behavior is always a reflection of the mindset that drives it.
Debra wanted to lose weight, but no way she was going to go to a gym ?until? she lost weight first. She didn’t want to dress up or go to social events. All dressing up did was remind her how huge she had become ? and all the social events did was put ?in her face? how much prettier and thinner than her all the other wives were: (the losing female mindset of ?compare, contrast, and compete ? that I talk about often in my book The Empowered Woman Experience).
All any of this accomplished was to once again, reflect unconsciously back on to Debra that inside her own head not much has changed since she was a child. And Debra isn’t a stupid lady. She knows she was eating too much. But she has never connected that all of this was using food to combat strong emotion -> to avoid it, relieve it, numb it, repress it; just anything not to have to feel it for a while. Food was her self-medication of choice: And then from this faulty mindset, she would commit to yet another diet-attempt doomed to fail from the beginning. Why? Because when Debra sentences herself to these deprivation diets and the strict behavior they entail ? none of it is enhancing her life. It’s only contracting her life even further. She gets caught up in a faulty fantasy that she can fix her emotional pain and self-judgment by losing weight, yet again.
But in truth, another diet-attempt with this kind of self-loathing behind it, only keeps reminding Debra of her emotional pain (even though she can’t identify it) ? and only gives Debra another constant reason to judge herself, usually in negative terms. People who don’t learn from their past are destined to keep repeating it. And this is Debra now, going from pretentious ?Darling Debra? on the outside, to a very dark and empty ?Desperate Debra? on the inside. And the truth is, the more Debra gets caught up in fantasy notions to ?fix herself ? by fixing her appearance? the less vital and satisfying her life becomes ? shrinking constantly to a bunch of numbers to judge and measure herself by: just like she recalls her mother doing all those years ago.
Debra didn’t realize that what she needed is a truth, not a fantasy. She needs emotional fitness and nutrition ? not another fantasy diet to solve everything. She needs emotional courage -> strength and conditioning for the soul. Debra needs someone to help her along and to finally accept and realize that ‘salvation lies within, not WITH-thin.
You see, no one ever taught Debra that just because she has a consistent thought; it doesn’t mean that thought is necessarily true. No one taught Debra to actively question her thoughts, as to whether they are helpful to her, or hurtful to her. No one ever taught Debra that if she didn’t learn to question a thought, then the thought would not only persist, but it would look for ?proof? that it is a correct thought to have. So Debra saw ?proof? all around her that she wasn’t good enough; and that losing weight would ?fix? her.
You tend to believe your most consistent thoughts, especially if you never learn to challenge them and you just blindly accept them. And when you do, then just like Debra – you become a slave to these thoughts. You serve them, they don’t serve you!
And as dark as the bottom of the well is where Debra now finds herself; I have at least taught her to stop digging and to stop thinking of ?digging deeper? as a way out, when it’s really just putting her deeper in the well. Debra may indeed still be in the darkness. But I have a flashlight; and together, instead of Debra digging herself deeper, we will follow the light and she will find her own way out.
In 6 months now, Debra has lost 40 lbs. ? not by counting calories and weighing herself; but by letting go of all that fantasy of ?digging her way to wellness. Now she does directed journaling via Coaching. Now she recognizes her patterns that started all those years ago and just continued and took root inside her.
And for me, it’s not that Debra has lost 40 lbs. that matters. In truth, that is neither here nor there. I don’t consider that a victory if the mindset behind it is still one of shame and self-loathing. What matters is that Debra has lifted a lot of the emotional weight she has been carrying around all these years. And this was the real weight that was being reflected externally back to her by her wearing it on her body; trying to get her to pay attention to the pain she kept avoiding and repressing: pain of her own making, caused by toxic and poisonous self-rejecting, and self-emptying thoughts.
Coaching has taught Debra to realize that when you have dug yourself into a hole, then at least know enough to stop digging. Trying another diet is like buying a brand new shiny shovel to keep digging deeper. And that has only ever led her to darker and darker places.
Our work is far from over. But Debra is learning that self-acceptance isn’t a fantasy place to someday get to; like Oz. And I am no wizard either. Debra is learning that self-acceptance isn’t a destination; it’s a path. And it’s the only path to true soulful liberation and freedom. Perhaps you identify with Debra’s story or know someone just like her.
Isn’t the definition of insanity to do the same things over and over and expect a different result, ?this time?? How many more diets are you going to try while never addressing the mindset that drives you to try them? Maybe it’s just time to learn how to address your mental and emotional fitness and nutrition; and your spiritual metabolism. Debra is, and she is finally ?lighter? for doing so -> lighter mentally, lighter emotionally, lighter physically, and lighter spiritually.
Isn’t that the real kind of ?lightness of being? you seek, when all is said and done?
About the Author
Scott Abel is a former professional bodybuilder and coach to over 400 fitness and bodybuilding champions at the National level and beyond. Thoroughly disillusioned with the industry, and with an academic background and much experience in social work and counseling,?his recent work focuses more on helping individuals to resolve diet and body image-related problems and disordered eating. Learn more from?his broad spectrum of work at www.scottabel.com. You can also hear Scott on the 180D podcast.
this was by far one of the better articles on the topic i’ve read in quite a while. so on point.
More Scott Abel interviews/articles please!
Wow, thank you, Scott, for capturing so perfectly the experience of an eating disorder. Even without the overeating, it can feel just like this. Indeed the way out is learning self-love and self-acceptance, and getting to the real root of where the insecurity and self-punishment came from to begin with. I’m 8 years out from the start of my healing process and haven’t had ED symptoms in 4 or 5 years and yet it’s still an ongoing process. Roots can run deep. Good for Debra, and thank you for sharing. I think people tend to think of EDs as about food, but the food behaviors are just a symptom of the underlying issues. And it is very worthwhile to get to the bottom of it all, although it is very hard work.
Thank you for spelling this out so clearly: emotional baggage is so often the reason for too much weight.
What you describe is “losing weight from within”, and I’m right there with you in the belief that this is the only way to real weight loss.
Great article.
Wow… Great article! Thank you!
*sigh*
Then there are those of us who spent most of their life slender, fit and healthy and had a good body image. Then something happened … the pounds piled on and won’t go away, leading to much angst, frustration, anger and depression. We’re told to buck up, accept yourself for who you are, lah-dee da and when you do so, the weight will magically disappear! Tra la la! It’s your mind that makes you overeat! Change your mindset and everything will be alllll better. And when we say, but I don’t overeat, I can easily avoid eating bad things and eat only good things, we’re patted on the head and told, “Sure, honey, sure. That’s what they all say.”
Pffft!
Hi Lisa,
There are organic reasons the body will add weight quickly and keep them. Hypothyroidism is a more than realized common cause with the added indignity that most MDs including ‘specialist’ like endocrinologists have no idea how to treat it properly. I was diagnosed with the problem over a decade ago, but it took a number of Drs and my own study from ‘Stop the Thyroid Madness’ folks to really understand how to read the test values. Im now taking 5x as much Armour (natural desiccated thyroid from pigs, sadly) as I was before and Im a new human. Though I still have a tendency to be overweight, my proportions are natural, and though I retain quite a bit of water because of it too, Im more myself. It took years at the right dose to get to this place. Please get yourself some help because this condition, among others, can create misery in a life that goes far beyond weight gain.. Best of luck to you..
PS Suzanne Sommers website has a list of Drs. that have experience working with bio-identical hormones. It could be a good place to start your search..
Lissa, I’m not sure who is telling you that but medical advice is usually quite clear that if you have sudden and unexplained weight gain or loss, it’s probably due to a medical issue and a doctor should look into the cause. It sounds like you could have a medical issue like a hormonal imbalance, thyroid problem or medication side-effect or something. I hope you can be persistent and get to the root of it.
This is me. Im struggling with 20lbs and im not dieting, but im trying to do low carb high fat paleo and bingeing left, right and centre. Carbs make me feel sleepy and sick, fat and protein fill me…but i insist on bingeing on loaves of toast with peanut butter or cream cheese, milk chocolate, icecream… i randomly eat when im not hungry, i worry about how “healthy” every food i eat is, and sometimes after a long day id rather sit and binge than maybe have tea and watch a movie. I do compare myself to other women alot and try to look “better”. I don’t restrict calories, but i find the process of paleo on3 day, then copious amounts of ben and jerrys the next to be psychologically and emotionally draining. Should i just eat sone bread and dairy, alil bit of junk? How do i balance out my intake so that i can be physically and emotionally healthy?
The very act of restricting your diet causes both psychological and physiological triggers to binge. Binge eating is pretty much ONLY observed in those restricting their diets. Carbs making you sleepy and sick can probably be best explained by reading the post I wrote about that very topic. http://180degreehealth.com/sleepy-eat/
Eating unrestricted and to appetite will cause you to temporarily overeat, but that doesn’t last for very long before your body will start to regulate appetite and your metabolic rate will return to normal. Then you’ll be able to eat pretty much anything and maintain weight homeostasis.
Lose weight? I wish there was a straightforward “cure” for that, but unfortunately there’s not. If I were you I’d cut your losses and be glad it’s 20 pounds and not 200.
I have had some good cognitive shifts regarding food by using EFT. One was that the message of self-acceptance, la dee dah as Lissa put it, is in *itself* judgmental. So besides beating myself up for being overweight, I am beating myself up for being “vain” about it, for caring, for still wanting to lose weight even though I’m married and have kids and it is a selfish goal that’s only for *me.* So that’s one thing I realized, that these messages to women of what you *should* be go both ways. On one hand, you can’t be fat. On the other hand, if you worry about your weight you just haven’t reached that enlightened nirvana of self-acceptance.
my other kind of breakthrough was about over-eating. I don’t binge on sweets and stuff unless my husband buys them and they are in the house. Or for instance I make cookies with the kids. And then they just torment me. There is this terrible tension in me of “go ahead and eat some, you deserve a treat” to “oh my god, you won’t be able to stop and you’ll be sick.” And I often eat the thing just to STOP THINKING about it. Once it’s gone I don’t have to worry about it or have that stress. The guilt is easier to deal with than that indecisiveness- I’m not sure why, maybe it’s more transitory. I think I can dig deeper into this issue but that’s it for now :)
Wow! What an article…and the point of view of it was great! The focus was not on the food, but on the behavior. And, I can empathize with Debra. Some of the things mentioned rang true–which is a “head’s up, Girl!” to me. Thanks! I look forward to more articles by Scott.