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By Jenny Allan

*The Weight Watchers Mechanic*

Customer: Hi my car isn’t working as well as it used to. I used to be able to use any kind of fuel and have no problems, but lately things have been sluggish and heavy when I put my foot on the gas.

The Weight Watchers Mechanic:? Your car naturally will see increasingly poor performance as you get older. Have you signed up for our special support group for cars that are thirty years old? It’s great fun, it doesn’t cost much (unless you have the ability to add your monthly bills together, which is NOT recommended) and will get your car back on track to self-esteem. Remember your car’s lifestyle needs to change. Permanently. It is sluggish and heavy because you are putting in too much gasoline. We recommend you put in only a half tank of gas for the remainder of your car’s life. We have two programs for this. One is a points system that will let you use any kind of fuel you like as long as you don’t exceed half a tank, while making you think you are getting more by giving you less than half a tank and then giving you bonus points to make up the rest. The other is the core program which lets you fill up the tank but only with our special, highly-processed, low fat, high-fiber fuel. If you experience problems with your fuel injection or exhaust clogging from using this fuel, please try not to talk about it with your support group. You’ll just lower their self-esteem.

Customer: Gee, my car is running better now, I’m getting the results I hoped for. But I need to make a long road trip, can I go ahead and fill up the tank?

WWM: No. You have to fuel this way for the remainder of your car’s life.

(A few months later)

Customer: After initial gains, I’ve notice a plateau in my car’s performance. I can’t even fill it halfway before it gets back that old sluggish and heaviness problem only now it’s even worse. Also my injectors and exhaust have clogged up on both the core and the points plan.

WWM: If you experience problems it is because you put too much fuel in the tank. Are you sure you weighed and measured everything you put in? Remember this is a lifestyle change. You have to fuel your car this way forever. Here, talk to our life long member who has reached her goal of perfect car performance and therefore doesn’t have to pay for her support group any more.

Lifetime Member: This is a lifestyle change. Did you change your lifestyle? Did you accidentally call it a diet instead of lifestyle? Can you honestly say you’ve been focused and ON PLAN every minute of every day?

Customer: Um, no, er, I mean, I guess I might have messed up somewhere. But really, it feels like I’m putting in less fuel in the tank. I’ve been running my car more and more so that I can add more fuel, but even that isn’t working anymore.

WWM: Ah therein lies the problem. You are using your car too much. You need to use your car some, but not too much. Also make sure the wiper fluid is topped off. It makes the car think it is full, so that it is tricked into running better. Just remember to stay on plan and talk to your support group if you think you might need help staying focused. Also, we have been meaning to talk to you about that credit card you gave us when you first signed up. Can you just give us access to your bank account instead?

Lifetime Member: Don’t worry, someday you won’t have to pay!

Customer: Um, aren’t you a different person than was here a while ago?

Lifetime Member: Oh, that lifetime member lost FOCUS, fell off plan, started using too much fuel and dropped out. Don’t worry, she’ll be back (and paying again, by the way). Meanwhile, I’m here for you and all your lifestyle questions…

*Burn The Fat Feed the Muscle Mechanic*

Customer: My current car is ok, but I’ve always dreamed of a muscle car. Is there some way I can turn my 89 Toyota into a 68 Mustang?

Burn the Fat Feed the Muscle Mechanic: There sure is! Just download my e-book and pay me a monthly installment for access to my website to find out.

Customer: I’ve downloaded the ebook. It really is detailed and that’s nice. It’s taken me a while to do the homework to figure out how much fuel to use, how often and what combinations are OK, but I think I’m getting the hang of it. I think I’m ready to begin exercising my car to make it a lean mean muscle machine!

BFFM Mechanic: You will need to run your car a lot. Every single day in fact. You will need long, hard trips that burn fuel steadily and short trips up high hills that use a lot of gas.

Customer: But with all these extra trips, won’t I need more fuel than you are recommending?

BFFM Mechanic: You need to learn to go outside of your comfort zone. Are you afraid of running out of gas? Of breaking down? You need to listen to my hour-long motivational tapes that will help you overcome that fear and make your car the best it can be. Here, talk to some of my cadre of professional dieters, I mean body builders who’ve managed to transform their sagging old heaps into vintage muscle Gods and Goddesses by following my plan.

Vintage Muscle Goddess #1: Dude! You need to get ripped! Eat clean! Shred Hard! Kowabunga! Wacka, wacka, wacka wacka. Also try putting in more highly processed whey powder into the oatmeal you put into?your car seven times a day at precise intervals. It is so clean it will make muscles burst forth out of that rusty old chasis. Woooooooo! Boooyah!

Customer: Look, it’s not just a fear of running out of gas. I literally ran out of gas and had to walk home. I missed a whole morning of work and now my boss is mad at me. Not to mention my family?is tired of me getting up 5:30 a.m. to start the car and leaving every couple of hours to add fuel. It’s driving them nuts.

Super vintage god #1: Woah dude, don’t blow a gasket! Like, relax. You need to get out of that comfort zone. Whatever doesn’t kill your car makes it stronger. Sounds like your family and your boss are negative influences. Have you tried replacing them with motivational tapes, like we have? Cowabunga dude! Shred hard!

*Weston A. Price Mechanic*

Customer: How can I use fuel to make sure my car never breaks down?

Weston Price Mechanic: First of all forget everything you think you know about fuel. Everything that’s been told to you is a lie, a conspiracy as a part of corporations to make money. The fuels they told you were harmful are actually good for you.

Customer: Wow, that is really good information. Also, I read your 800 page tome on vitamins and nutritional perfection, and I’m really excited by the possiblity that all disease might be prevented simply by getting enough of the right kind of foods and avoiding food that is bad for me.

WAP Mechanic: Really, is that what you got from that? Hmmm. maybe we need a new edition. No, what you were supposed to take away is that you need make sure that all your gasoline is soaked for 12 hours before you put it in your car to eliminate harmful acids in it. Never heard of those acids? Well that’s part of the conspiracy. While you’re in the garage soaking fuel, make sure you ferment all the vegetables put in the tank so that they contain lactic acid which will help keep your car perfect forever.

Customer: That sounds a little wacky. What about just eating a lot of foods that aren’t processed and avoiding the bad fats which you’ve successfully convinced me are causing disease?

WAP Mechanic: What are you a slave to the conspiracy! Put some raw milk in your tank and call me in the morning.

Customer: That raw milk made my car sicker than ever.

WAP Mechanic: Have you thought about asking God to help you with this problem?

Customer: Yes, I did that already. I asked God to explain to me again how sugar is the root of all evil and yet it’s OK to eat it as long as it’s not processed.

WAP Mechanic: Any feedback on that? We’d be interested to hear because we are editing a new edition of our manual, New and Improved with even more desserts!

(Some time later)

Customer: I replaced all my car’s oil with coconut oil, topped off the gas tank with only gasoline that’s been soaked or fermented and tried shoving raw milk in there as well. I even asked God, what to do. I’m still having problems.

WAP Mechanic: Clearly your car’s problems require more than just a fuel adjustment. Try steeping the entire thing in a poultice of cod liver oil for a week. That fixes everything!

*Ray Peat: Auto Mechanic*

Customer: My car’s performance is terrible. It’s broken all the time. Please help?

Ray Peat: Your thermostat is broken. It is a little known, but well researched (by me!) fact that all of a car’s mechanical problems are caused by a broken thermostat. You need to put some dessicated pig brain in the tank, as well as a gallon of orange juice and ice cream every day and never, ever even look at polyunsaturated fat. It killed the dinosaurs.

Customer: OK, I’m doing that stuff, but my car is still not fixed.

Ray Peat: Try putting in 2 ounces of coffee every three hours in the tank. Not one ounce every two hours, or three ounces every hour! That will make the engine explode. I also suggest painting naked ladies in your spare time.

Customer: That is soooo random. But I will try it because I think you must have some mystical power and you are at least answering my emails.

Ray Peat: Oh, I forgot to tell you not to put any juice in the car at the same time you use meat. You can get too much iron that way.

Customer: Excuse me sir you are insane.

*Matt Stone: Auto Mechanic*

Customer: All the other auto mechanics I’ve been to have ruined my car. Please help give me free advice or I will mock you in anonymous comments. Also, I think you are full of shit, but I still want the free advice which I will not actually follow through on, but freak out at the slightest sign of trouble, using that as further reason to mock you in anonymous comments.

Matt: OK, I’ll bite. Put in lots of fuel, as much as it will hold and don’t let the level drop too low or it will clog your injectors. Don’t put in highly synthesized fuel and drugs that will effect your engine’s performance and ruin your exhaust. Don’t run the car too hard until you get the car’s performance sorted. Don’t obsess about combinations of fuels or additives or assume any one brand of fuel is causing the problem. Just fuel the car!

Customer: Hey, I did that stuff and it’s working, but it’s kind of slow and my car isn’t winning any NASCAR trophies so it must be your fault.

Matt: Well try to keep it in perspective. Your car wasn’t broken in a day. It may take some time to fix. Maybe we should go over the specifics of your problems?

Customer: Nope. I want it fixed now. Or I’ll mock you with anonymous comments.

Matt: Hey. Here are some free fuel recipes and a bunch of new information on different mechanical problems. Maybe these will help?

Customer #2, probably same guy only has changed his name in order to keep receiving free advice that he won’t follow: Have you tried this insane, wacky system I heard about where you only put raw milk in the car and not run it for a month and it magically cures everything from rust on the bumper to a blown gasket? Will you do it for me and tell me what happens?

Matt: Yes, I will because I’m a little touched in the head. And for science of course.

Customers: Better you than us!!!!

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Cheers and Happy new years,

Jenny the Nipper