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I was recently inspired by future U.S. president Steve Taylor to address the topic of teen pregnancy. Mr. Taylor was working on a presentation or paper or something about the topic, the bulk of his work focusing on education, family planning, prophylactic distribution, etc. However, Steve-a-rooski failed to address what the root cause of this issue might actually be. Being a root problem kind of thinker, I have taken it upon myself to look at why the United States has more than twice the teen pregnancy rate of any other industrialized nation. And get excited, because in the next few paragraphs I will bring forward what is truly, after nearly 3 decades of living on planet earth, the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever %$#@ing heard.

When it comes to teen pregnancy, most people want to blame Godlessness, poor parenting, and most of all, Britney Spears. Now, please take the time to visit this link (rated R), and witness firsthand that the American diet is causing overemotionality, alterations in normal sex hormone development, and that there is a long litany of reasons to ?leave Britney alone!

Now that you have scarred yourself for life (if you visited the above link), you can take solace in the fact that I will never again paste links to such a disturbing site ever again. Ever!

Let’s see, where were we, I have no idea.

Oh yes of course, teen pregnancy.

First and foremost I’d like to point out a phenomenon that is a very strong indicator of major physiological alterations in the normal development of the human being. Just 100 years ago the average age of first menstruation (menarche) in young women was 17. It is now, in the United States, 12. The youngest average age of first menstruation is among African American girls (about 6 months earlier). Childhood type II Diabetes and obesity are also much higher in African American girls, more so than in any large group of people in the history of the human race. Of course, all of these abnormalities are purely hormonal at the core, a fact that intelligent people like Gary Taubes have found to be virtually irrefutable.

And now, drum roll please, cut and pasted from what could have been any number of websites, the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever $%@!ing heard?

?The improved nutrition and socioeconomic status of the population in industrialized countries has resulted in a decrease in the mean age at menarche.

Yes, I agree absolutely. 100 years ago children were eating meager foods like grass fed meats, whole grain porridge, whole butter, farm fresh eggs, and exclusively local and organic fruits and vegetables. Now, thank the flippin? almighty, we have improved the nutrition of our children to microwaved chicken nuggets that contain 14 derivatives of GMO corn, ketchup (featuring such nutritionally elite substances as high fructose corn syrup, refined sugar, and MSG), macaroni with artificially colored and flavored processed cheese powder, 40-ounce Mountain Dews, Fruit Loops (with 11 essential vitamins and minerals), and Double stuffed Oreos (with probably double the nutrition of just a regular Oreo). Fast food has also been an asset to getting good nutrition real fast instead of having to wait on some crappy homecooked meal from scratch.

Furthermore, the fact that overweight diabetic African American girls are so socioeconomically elite must be the reason that they are experiencing menarche even earlier. I mean, the psychological satisfaction of being 10 years old, eating a nourishing bowl of Kellogg’s cereal because your parents can’t afford anything else ? and even if they could wouldn’t have time to make anything else because they’re working 3 jobs, and knowing, while sitting in pink K-Mart sweats that would be baggy on most adults, that you are probably Harvard bound and destined to be a real winner in American society must trigger something in the sex glands to induce early menstruation. I see this as definitely being the case among 7 and 8 year-old girls who are developing breasts and facial hair. Improved socioeconomic status for sure! Improved nutrition? Claro que si!

Leaving that behind forevermore, the claim that nutrition is the root cause of the teen pregnancy epidemic seems, on the surface, to be a bit of a stretch, but is it? It is obvious that if girls were still healthy and reaching menarche at the physiologically appropriate age of 17, that teen pregnancy would be drastically reduced. Sex is increasingly interesting to young people because sex hormones are triggered much, much earlier. And I know that Toucan Sam doesn’t actively force teens to have sex (although his large bulbous beak and O-shaped cereal is certainly metaphorical), his hormone-altering refined ingredients are a core factor.

In other words, we definitely need to educate teens about condoms. However, the reason we need to do this is because they are interested in sex. The reason they are interested in sex is because their sex hormones are activating 5 years early. The reason hormones are activating early is because of hormonal disturbances in the endocrine system ? the same cause of diabetes and obesity that are also correlated with lowered age of menarche. And the cause of hormonal disturbance is a diet with an imbalanced amount of refined carbohydrate foods that are nutritionally lacking without complementary wholesome natural foods that our species has relied upon since our infancy. Thus the root cause of the United States having the highest teen pregnancy rate is the fact that we have the world’s unhealthiest children, caused by the worst diet as evidenced by our epidemic rates of childhood obesity, type II diabetes, etc. IgF hormone in commercial milk ain’t helping either.

Poor, non-industrialized nations have far lesser rates of teen pregnancy than do ?lucky, well-nourished, socioeconomically stalwart? countries like ours, and it’s certainly not because they are better informed about birth control or have more access to it. It’s also definitely not because having children at a young age is less socially acceptable. It’s because they are abstinent until a later age, which is a hell of a lot easier to do when you haven’t hit puberty yet.

So leave Britney alone! You’re lucky she even performs for you bastards!