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Legendary heroes of nutrition such as Weston A. Price, Robert McCarrison, Melvin Page, Denis Burkitt, T.L. Cleave, and many others were all in search of the holy grail of human health. The key word in that sentence being ‘search.

They ‘searched? far and wide, but unfortunately they came up short. Thankfully, in the year 2006 the real answer to the question, ?how to live a good, healthy, or ?best? life? was revealed. The verdict is in. Ye who speaketh the truth hath bestowed uponeth us the great answers to health and disease.

That’s right. Bob Greene, anointed by Oprah Winfrey as sort of the Joseph Smith of Nutrislam (a religion based on eating less and exercising more), has revealed the great secrets to human vitality in this epic tale of no-calorie sweeteners, portion control, non-fat dairy products, and tantalizing ?peachy pops:” The Best Life Diet, by Bob Greene.

Greene’s most memorable sermons took place on the top of Mt. Treadmill, where he looks down upon the feeble and flabby and proclaims, in all his glory:

??it’s actually to your benefit to have a snack, such as a sweet yogurt shake, an energy or granola bar, low-fat chocolate milk, a handful of chocolate-covered peanuts, low-fat pudding, even a homemade milkshake made with one cup of skim milk and a heaping half cup of light ice cream. You don’t have to feel guilty for eating something delicious because you’ve earned it.

That’s something I am certain that Weston A. Price for one would have held up a glass of Greene’s signature ?calcium-rich snack? to: an Iced Vanilla Soy Latte (page 266). Sure, the Masai tribe drinking a gallon of Zebu cattle milk per day with a 10% butterfat content might have been healthy according to Price’s details, but just imagine their beauty, vigor, and ability to spear lions as teenagers if they had substituted Greene’s less artery-clogging, low-calorie messianic beverage that includes:

? ? cup ground espresso or French roast coffee
? 1 ? cups water
? 2 cups 8th Continent vanilla soymilk
? 2 teaspoons caramel or chocolate fat-free topping
? Ice cubes, to taste
? Sugar, if desired

And you better abide by this recipe carefully, as Greene’s taste-buds have evidently been endowed from the Creator with abilities that exceed that of the common man. He can taste ice cubes!

In truth it was devastating to my own personal ego to discover, after reading page after poetic page, that virtually every conclusion I’ve come to regarding human health is tragically mistaken. It appears that treadmills, yoga, artificial sweeteners, soy products, and calcium-rich, low-cal fare including meal replacement shakes and pasta are the keys to living a healthy life in a lean, attractive, disease-free body. Furthermore, the disease-ridden members of every race on earth that have been decimated by degenerative and infectious disease since the dawn of refined foods owe their woes to the fact that nutritional supplements had yet to be invented.

Still worried about Bob’s health on such fare? Worry not. Greene can eat sugary snacks if he wants due to his monumental exercise regime. Greene states, I can get away with it because I exercise.

And Greene really puts the Luciphers of low-carb lunacy in their rightful places with his endorsement of pasta for weight loss. You tell ?em Bob! Can I get a Ramen?

This book is awesome. Buy it today at your local Borders or Barnes and Noble bookstore!

April Fools mf?ers. You could become diabetic or develop an autoimmune disease just by using the pages of this book as toilet paper. If we lived like this thousands of years ago Jesus of Nazareth would have been mildly autistic at best. (Originally published 4/1/2009)