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By Matt Stone

“What about the one you lobotomized… Did he get a refund?”? ~Arnold, Total Recall

I have absolutely no idea whatsoever what that quote has to do with this post. But it’s worth repeating I know that.

Folks, the future has arrived. We have now ushered in the era of Soylent – the magical, lightly foamy, urine-colored food alternative. Rob Rhinehart, whose?post on his liquid meal replacement lifestyle went beyond viral,?is the inventor of this food alternative, and the possibilities… Ahem, I mean THE POSSIBILITIES, are endless.

Solve world hunger! Lower food bills! Lose weight! Get smarter! Improve blood tests!

I hope you heard that. I said blood tests. Because if you do something and your blood tests are “better”?a few weeks later, well fuckinA man, that’s solid proof that Soylent is the most healthy thing ever, especially when you cut your calories by half – which triggers?all the improvements Rob noted in his blood tests, and also happens to be totally unsustainable and temporary.

Rob, like many who enter the world of thinking about what we, as humans, should eat, did something that made him feel more or less amazingly better in a short period of time. Then, he got ridiculous with thoughts of solving world health crises while in the midst of his diet honeymoon – the transitional period one experiences when they raise their catecholamines and glucocorticoids into the stratosphere and feel euphoria from it. Hey, it’s okay buddy. I did that too. We all do that. Then we get smarter. You appear to be getting wiser at an accelerated rate now that you have to carry the responsibility of administering it to real, live humans.

He started out?with foolish ideas?about calorie-restriction and longevity and other nonsensical brainchildren of the overly science-minded, and evolved to?make discoveries like this…

“As for myself, I came across some problems. My original mixture gave me 1550 kcal/day. I hypothesized that “caloric restriction” had health benefits and that the human body could survive on fewer “higher quality” calories. I now consider that a failed hypothesis. After 30 days I exhausted my reserves of fat and started to feel hungry, lose weight and muscle mass, and my gym performance regressed. I ran some numbers and decided to increase my intake to 2629 kcal/day. I quickly put the weight back on, my chest and arms filled out, and I felt much healthier. My mixture now has 409g of carbohydrates, 65g of fat, and 102g of protein. I also stopped running 7 miles, which is really unnecessary and potentially harmful to the heart and joints. I just do 3.14 mi, which is quite easy, and weights, making sure I maintain the ability to easily benchpress my weight.”

More revelations for this young, 24-year old Atlantean brainiac are on the way. But at least his formula is getting better. I think he should?increase his calories by another?500+ and start using coconut oil instead of olive oil. Come on Rob. We love human guinea pigs. Test out’soylent without any “essential fatty acids” and disprove that theory while you’re at it. Now THAT would be a significant contribution to modern scientific thought.

What I find most irksome about all of this though is that this is nothing new. Live off of liquids only?? Has anyone here NOT been on an extended liquid diet at some point?? I got in 27 days on milk only.?Who’s got me beat?

Or how about create a beverage filled with vitamins, minerals, protein, carbohydrates, and fats that you can drink for weight loss and health improvement?? No one has ever created anything like that in history. I never saw any product come through?like that during my tenure at GNC (I was young, I needed the money!). First?I’ve heard of this kind of thing. I mean, I’definitely don’t have any’such thing in my home that I use for exercise.?It definitely doesn’t have all the RDA’s of’the basic vitamins and minerals with 252 grams of carbs and 50 grams of protein per serving.?Nope.

I don’t mean to be too condescending to Mr.Rhinehart. Well I do of course, but I am equally condescending of the child-like mistakes I made during the same stage of development. I had many of the’same delusions?and irrational excitement about things I discovered along the way too. It will make for an interesting experiment, and I will probably drop in and see how he’s doing from time to time. From it all, we’ll all learn something – something like, “Dude, after all these liquid meals I get sick when I go out to eat -?in part because my digestion sucks now and in part because I want food so damn bad I binge like crazy when the incredible tastes and textures start to collide with my reward centers.”

Or something like’that.

For now I just?want to take a moment to kneel down and?give thanks to’the?almighty flying spaghetti monster that poor Rob?is spared from the outrageous investment of time and money he used to put into his microwaved burritos and Ramen noodles before he became the first living?mammal ever to attempt to meet his nutritional needs through liquids alone. Ramen!

Let’s wrap this up with some of the more touching quotes from Rob’s site.

“I’m touched so many people are concerned about my intake of possible unknown essential nutrients. No one seemed to worry about me when I lived on burritos and ramen.”

And my personal favorite…

?”If I had any money or a girlfriend, I would probably eat out more often.”