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By Matt Stone

Back then we didn’t have these fancy birth control methods. Like pulling out!” ~Pops; Dirty Work

Everyone has their own criteria for determining what constitutes the BEST birth control method. For some, that means the method that makes you the least likely to get pregnant. For others, the best might be one that works very well and doesn’t make you depressed, fat, covered in acne,?dead from a?blood clot,?and diabetic with no sex drive.

This is a health website.?Any and all hormonal?methods must be thrown completely out the window. Most?birth control relies on administering the?death hormone estrogen,?which is extremely toxic in excess, and even appears to be somewhat undesirable at?normal levels. Anything?good that you’ve heard about it is probably being mistaken for progesterone, as?doctors have been thoroughly confused about what these “female”?hormones do based on the polluted material that they get from an educational system funded by companies that?make billions selling?hormones. Other pills rely on progestin, not to be confused with progesterone, and many women experience problems?with?it.

Anyway, I’ll spare you that whole tangent. If you aren’t suspicious and fearful about what taking?various forms of hormonal birth control might be doing to you on the inside, you should probably get off the internet and return to?watching SpongeBob, The Doctors, and CNN.

Hormonal methods aside, we are left with barrier methods and the jolly’surgical birth control methods?- tube-tying and vasectomy. Clearly if a scalpel is brandished, that automatically disqualifies a?method from being the best.?Plus, my girlfriend’s brother just had a vasectomy followed by a 2nd daughter a year later. I don’t think he got a refund.

So that’s it?? Those?horrible barrier methods?? That’s the best you can do for me?180D?

No, no, no. Of course not. I’ve got some good news. All that stuff you heard in high’school?about pre-ejaculate or pre-cum as?it is so eloquently named, doesn’t appear to be true. Pre-cum?may have little or?no sperm in it, or if it does it’s in small amounts and the motility appears to be poor enough where it’s not very viable.?The ol’ pullout method of?course has to be executed properly to work, but?when it is executed properly it’s?about as effective as any other method – certainly?effective enough to use it over the other birth control menu items.

It gets better. If you are a woman willing to track just a few simple forms of biofeedback, you may be able to further decrease your odds of getting pregnant by charting your cycles and identifying the window?of time that you are actually fertile. That window of time lasts about a week each month typically. By tracking your body temperature, which rises .5 degrees F or so at ovulation,?and the consistency of your cervical mucous,?most women?can tell pretty accurately when ovulation is approaching and when it is over.?Most women are only fertile for about 4 days each month, but since sperm has a lifespan of up to?3 days you can actually get pregnant when you ovulate from sex you had a few days prior.?This method is called the “Fertility Awareness Method,” and yes, you should read more specific things about?how to do it properly elsewhere before giving it a go. You can take a fertility awareness class HERE.

Birth control is easier than you think, and requires less cost, hassle, and genital and/or hormonal?annihilation’than people are led to believe. Also,?I’m skeptical that’the kind of birth control you pay money for is as reliable as?we are told it is. The only time my girlfriend has ever been pregnant was during the brief time she was on birth control, for example. And she’s never used a barrier method once in her life. Pull out for the win! The three best natural methods are as follows…

  1. Spew?Heffner?– most risky, and should only be used by those who wouldn’t be totally devastated?by becoming pregnant. Chart your cycles and use the pullout method/withdrawal or a barrier method for about 7-10 days a month, and then have regular old-fashioned sex the rest of the month.
  2. Bad Pizza Method – even bad pizza is still pretty good. MUCH safer than Spew Heffner. ?Practice withdrawal all the time. Chart distance and volume. Mortal Kumbat. Test your might. No charting required.
  3. The Whoomp – safest. Use a Tag Team approach with a combination of charting, the barrier method during the fertile window, and withdrawal the rest of the time.

I hope you enjoyed this article. For men reading this, remember – Real Men don’t let their women take a bunch of hormones. There are enough women out there suppressing their sex drive and worsening their physical appearance through all that Special K, salad, 10k’s for drug companies, and Crossfit. Besides, would you happily take a male birth control?pill if?it made you?bloated, impotent, pimpled, and depressed?

P.S. – Read through the comments to hear some interesting discussion about what also might be viable alternatives, such as the copper IUD, some fancy gadgets and pee stix that monitor signs of fertility, and what others consider?as good as or better than the?Heffner, Bad Pizza, and?Whoomp.

When all else fails, you can?always fall back on the Timberlake Method, demonstrated to perfection in the video below…