By Billy Craig
For too long I’ve mocked the diet shake drink business. I’ve claimed that?it’s a multi-level marketing sham. I’ve pointed out irregularities in the product descriptions and marketing propaganda. I’ve asked why anyone would believe that a quick fix is available, and I’ve debated with many distributors who naturally wanted to defend their businesses. Still, I can’t understand why anyone would starve themselves and then fail to?realize that’the weight/water lost was attributable to avoiding food rather than to a magic potion.
Anyway, as the old saying goes, ?if you can’t beat them, you might as well join them.
Here at Forever Dead Products (FDP) we own around 85ish% of the world’s toxic byproducts, which we market as natural. This makes us powerful and gives us an unrivalled edge in the front line of health and wellness… Yeah you got that right, we are world leaders in selling crap to gullible people. We are a multi-billion dollar company that operates worldwide selling our crap to anyone desperate enough to try it. However, we don’t like paying to display our products in normal shops, so to increase our profit we help other people cling to the hope that our shit products work. Then we offer these gullible or cunning people part-time opportunities in which they can sell our crap for us. We often advertise in employment websites despite there being no actual job. The deal is you become self employed and order stock from us direct. So from a company perspective it doesn’t matter whether you succeed or not, but ideally we?d love you to succeed and sign up lots of other mugs to sell our crap.
For those that are totally committed we have very serious full-time opportunities for the more management and destiny driven individuals. These positions allow you to hassle friends, family, and anyone you come into contact with, into joining your team of other self employed suckers.
Imagine the scenario, you sign up as a distributer for me, you then sign up 10 of your friends who each then sign up 10 of their friends and they sign up their friends. You get the picture, basically it makes me the guy sat at the top ******* rich. This isn’t gonna happen to you, your friends and family will begin ignoring your calls and avoiding you like the plague. So it’s gonna take some dedication, you’re gonna have to be super pushy and hope that people feel sorry for you. Another great tactic is hassling people on social networking sites. Hell, no matter how you do it, if you hassle enough people you’re bound to weed out the weak and vulnerable ones. This may not generate enough income to survive (or indeed enough to clear what you invested in our crap), but it all increases our profits, and if you’re prepared to put in the hours you too can make some money eventually.
Would you like to work from home in a self employed position that enables you to choose your own hours and income level? Would you like to cover your car in ?work from home stickers? and set up special social media accounts with your name + our company name? Imagine it, you could be “Aloe_Vera” or “FDP Fred.” With that sort of kudos people will flock to your account and beg to buy our crap. Your new identity will make you the person everyone goes to for nutrition advice.
I must point out though (I’m forced to now) that it is illegal for a promoter or participant in a trading scheme to persuade anyone to make a payment by promising benefits from getting others to join a scheme. Do not be misled that high earnings or even any earnings are achievable. I mean check out eBay and see the amount of products being sold off by failed distributors of other dodgy shakes.
It may seem odd that I’ve not mentioned the products yet, but seriously it’s more important that we get you on board as a distributor. Wait, you have no training, knowledge or experience? That’s perfect, we prefer our FDP distributers to have no knowledge other than repeating what we tell you. Once you begin using the products you can tell people all about it, along with a few anecdotal stories of how successful others have been. Hell you can even name drop a few celebrities as long as you allege it. ?Hey, my friend said she saw Oprah drinking our drinks.
So, on to the products.?
Get the power of aloe vera with added lemon fat burner that effectively cuts through grease from the inside out. The miracle that is aloe leaf contains tones of good stuff and despite there being shelves and shelves of different aloa vera products in your local drug store, I want you to rest assured, we locate the finest aloe on the planet. Taken daily, either alone if you don’t vomit or mixed with pure fruit juice, it’s one of the best nutritional supplements available, honest!!!?
Description and Purpose of our wonderful Dirty 9 Programme
Dirty 9 enables you to become cleaner, ?healthier,? and delirious as you cleanse your body of unnatural chemicals. It’s truly the fastest way to get the disordered eating that is all the rage. It has been said that attempting to detox your body of toxic materials using a product that contains toxic ingredients is a little odd. But here at FDP we simply ignore that criticism and state that:
?As long as the toxins are in small amounts and only in our products then you needn’t worry.
The 9-day cleanse will kick-start your weight loss plan almost instantly as you begin experiencing the gastrointestinal delights of Dirty 9. Cramps, sweating, and a sphincter that feels like it’s being shredded from the inside out. The explosions of toxic waste passing from your rear-end will help you shed the lbs and put you on track to regain your health. Once Dirty 9 has helped you shift some weight you’ll be ready to move to Forever Dead Lite, which is engineered to help you manage your weight for the rest of your life. Yes that’s right, you use this powder in place of food for the rest of your life.
Your Dirty 9 pack includes:
- Forever Dead Aloe Vera and Lemon Liquid (3 x 1 litre bottles)
- Forever Dead Lite ( 1 x vile flavour)
- Forever Dead Garcinia Turbo Supplement
?Extracts of the exocarp of certain species ? typically G. gummi-gutta, but also purple mangosteen ? are often contained in appetite suppressants such as Hydroxycut, Leptoprin or XanGo. But their effectiveness at normal consumption levels is unproven, while at least one case of severe acidosis caused by long-term consumption of such products has been documented. Furthermore, they may contain significant amounts of hydroxycitric acid, which is somewhat toxic and might even destroy the testicles after prolonged use. [source: Wikipedia)
Forever Dead Bee Pollen Supplement
?Bee pollen refers to the flower pollen that collects on the legs and bodies of worker bees. It can also include some nectar and bee saliva. Pollens come from many plants, so the contents of bee pollen can vary significantly??? People take bee pollen for nutrition; as an appetite stimulant; to improve stamina and athletic performance; and for premature aging, premenstrual syndrome (PMS), hay fever (allergic rhinitis), mouth sores, joint pain (rheumatism), painful urination, prostate conditions, and radiation sickness. ??It is also used for weight loss, bleeding problems including coughing or vomiting blood, bloody diarrhea, nosebleed, brain hemorrhage, and menstrual problems.?Bee pollen is also used for gastrointestinal (GI) problems including constipation, diarrhea, enteritis, and colitis. Some people use bee pollen as a general tonic, to increase urine flow, and for alcohol intoxication. Bee pollen is used topically for skin care in skin softening products, and for treating eczema, pimples, and diaper rash.?You may hear claims that bee pollen enzymes (chemical compounds that assist in chemical reactions) provide a variety of treatment benefits. However, any enzymes in bee pollen are likely to be digested in the gastrointestinal (GI) tract. There is no reliable evidence indicating that bee pollen enzymes or other ingredients in bee pollen are effective as treatment.
How does it work?
“The enzymes in bee pollen are thought to act like medicines. However, these enzymes are broken down in the stomach, so it is unlikely that bee pollen has any effect. [source: WebMD]
Drink Shaker so you can mix our crap anywhere.
Tape Measure to measure how many inches of water you lose.
How to do Dirty 9
Day 1 – 2 Dirty Phase 1
- Morning ? Forever Dead Garcinia Turbo Tablets, Forever Dead Aloe Vera and Lemon Liquid
- Snack ? Forever Dead Bee Pollen Tablets (yes that’s right, no food but we still call it a snack).
- Lunch ? Forever Dead Garcinia Turbo Tablets, Forever Dead Aloe Vera and Lemon Liquid, Nutritious Forever Dead Lite Shit Shake, Forever Dead Bee Pollen Tablet
- Dinner ? Forever Dead Garcinia Turbo Tablets, Forever Dead Aloe Vera and Lemon Liquid, Forever Dead Bee Pollen Tablet
- Evening ? Forever Dead Aloe Vera and Lemon Liquid
Yes that’s right folks, no food for 2 days! It is essential that after day two you do multiple facebook status updates referring to your 5 lb #weightloss. As an example;
?whoop whoop, I’ve lost 5 lbs using forever dead dirty 9?
If anyone questions your weight loss, remember it is the products that made it possible, not the starvation/food avoidence. Also ignore comments suggesting this is water loss, we can’t prove otherwise, but all our pamphlets say fat loss so it must be true.?
Day 3-9 Dirty Phase 2
- Morning ? Forever Dead Garcinia Turbo Tablets, Aloe Vera and Lemon Liquid, Nutritious Forever Dead Shit Shake
- Snack ? Forever Dead Bee Pollen Tablets
- Lunch ? Forever Dead Garcinia Turbo Tablets, Aloe Vera Liquid, Debatably ?Nutritious? Forever Dead Lite Shake, Forever Dead Bee Pollen Tablet
- Dinner ? Forever Garcinia Turbo Tablets, Forever Dead Aloe Vera and Lemon Liquid, a 600 Calorie Meal, and another ******* Forever Dead Bee Pollen Tablet
- Evening – Minimum 8 oz of Water (lucky you).
Anyway, to conclude I’d just like to say that I am in no way intimating that other similar diet/cleanse products don’t work or are a con, I mean I don’t wanna get sued so maybe there is a possibility you can lose weight, get a clean colon and become the next Donald Trump. However, Forever Dead Dirty 9 is nutritionally approved by the nutritionist that designed it and by a Doctor who is also at the top of the multi-level marketing pyramid. He says its pretty damn good so why wouldn’t you trust him?
For those of you that feel these products just simply aren’t for you, try TurdaLife as I’m also an independent TurdaLife dealer.
Billy Craig is a U.K.-based?Health & Nutritional Consultant, Personal Trainer, former Advanced Metabolic Typing Advisor, Massage Therapist, and a C.H.E.K. Practitioner.The primary focus of?his research and work is?Nutrition & Metabolism. You can read Billy’s 180D contributions?HERE or more at his website.
OMG funny as heeeeeeeeeeeeeell
Thank you :)
Billy for Prime Minister!
I frickin’ second that! Thanks for the first big laugh of the day.
I’m of to see Russell Brand later. After his debate with Jeremy Paxman about politics and starting a revolution I’ll see if I can get his vote.
i see this for advocare ALL the, it makes me crazy when i see people stat promoting it, and then question them, and they go, ” you don’t understand, its life changing” — uhhhh ok?
Omg. This is GENIUS.
Haha, this article is great! This is so true. These products are worthless. You would think it would be common sense just to focus on building a strong diet and exercise foundation in order to lose weight. But I guess must people are just looking for quick fix.
Yes, but you offer a fast solution, not a quick solution, so it’s totally different.
And look at the RESEARCH behind it!
curently i buy ebook to guide me to loss weight, i follow fitness training at http://rosylin.com/Ct50Fitness&FatLoss
with motto “3 Steps That Permanently Re-Shape Your Body In LESS Than 1 Hour A Week”
so far its exciting, but i dont know its is work or not, i just follow 2 weeks
I usually delete all SPAM comments but this one was just too funny.
What a coincidence Mila because I too currently buy exciting e-book with mottos. I hope it is works for me too!
Wow Matt! First Andrew Kim and now a guest blog by Billy Craig all in one week?!!! Nice! Thank you Matt. Thank you Billy Craig for this all too real but funny article :) I know a few people who are Herbalife “Distributors” and this article perfectly described their products and tactics :(
Off topic Matt, but I just wanted you to know that since I began adding sugar to my diet along with starches and decreasing meat and fat consumption in July, I have just bought some pants that were a size smaller than my previous pant purchases and a couple of people have come up to me recently saying “Jon you’ve lost some weight!”. Of course, once I tell them what I have been doing “diet” wise, its like all you can hear are the crickets chirping LOL!!
Yes, but is it Paleo??
Been waiting for a post here by Billy for awhile, and I finally got my wish.
Hahahaha I love this article!
It hits close to home…
Nutrisystem – pyramid scheme that sells crap health and weight loss products and that some friends have pestered on about way too long
I was sick of seeing herbalife all over Puebla, Mexico. Seriously, it’s everywhere.
Too darn funny!!!
Make Billy Craig post more often. At least once a week! ^_^
Got two on the go at the moment so will hopefully have something soon :-)
Kind of off topic, but many years ago there was a Ponzi scheme going around the CA Bay Area that involved no products whatsoever. Just money. You give the guy above you $100, and then 10 people give you $100, and 10 people give them $100, and so on, and then everyone makes $1000!
the idiots left at the end, out $100, actually sued… and won.
Turdalife indeed. These “companies” fuck up so many people’s lives.
Freaking busted a gut reading this. Wait, now ill have to go order some Isa-whatever to go heal it ;). I can’t beleive I fell or that scheme and wasted so much money. I ended up putting on a Boatload of weight over the year because every time I’d try ‘cleanse days’ I’d end up binging for a few after. The funny thing is I was started on them by my friend’s mom who is a holistic nutritionist who I went to see to help me with my rampant bulimia. She swore it was a nutritional imbalance that i would get rectified from these shakes, and the cleanse days would heal my system and teach me i didnt need to live for food. Funny as in maddening and tragic.
I visited Billy Craig’s website. Lots of insightful information but distracting and annoying to read due to most of the posts are loaded with grammatical errors. I would suggest though that he relearns his grammar or use a spell/grammar check. The man can’t spell for s*&%t!
I got his back on posts over here haha.