Just wanted to offer a virtual hug and shoulder?as I find myself in precisely your place. TrulyI could have easily written your post myself..alas! I too know of being incapable of doing seemingly menial tasks to those who are “normal” and well?yet finding the “strength” to walk or “expend” ?even if it simply means staying mobile and on my feet all day. Housework,laundry and organizing tasks go by the wayside, unfortunately..and to plan dinner is a major, anxiety-provoking undertaking to say the very least. Grocery shopping is terrifyingI can spend hours debating different brands..macronutrient contents..etc.. During this past Christmas season..I had the most difficulty with fabricating the expected baked goods..cookies..cakes..breakfast fare?and putting sugar, flour and butter together is excruciating for me. I am awaiting “the call” from an inpatient facility which I stupidly desisted upon when I had a possibility prior to No?l?but this time I definitely plan on following through with itI feel as if I “do not deserve” to go..for I know I have gained a bit of weight during the past two weeks?and I bizarrely want to be ED Wing “worthy”(anorexia) in the hospital’so now I have gone back to restricting unfortunately. When I tried to eat like my family..as in more typical family “normal” fare?it backfired into either chewing/spitting behaviors ..or a purging episode..which feels like such a major “fail”I totally agree with your insightful statement about wanting to get well on an intellectual level?but the emotional level is so very lagging behind in this respect. Speaking of respect?you have mineI appreciate and admire your candor and intelligence in speaking of your own particular scenario with these ED-based causes and want you to know that I wish you continued self-insight and if you ever want to connect..you have an empathetic connection in me.
