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Hi all,
I’m new to the forums but not new to 180D… in January of last year 180D and YE helped me to recover from anorexia, and 3 years ago from bulimia, but in the past 4 months I’ve started relapsing again.I’m currently 5’5″ and 110 pounds. Not anorexic by any means, and I do eat a fair amount, I think. Mainly at suppertime. I was not eating that much a few weeks ago (think 1 meal per day) but then my therapist has mandated that I go to a nutritionist or else we can’t keep working together. Stupidly, I feel like I can’t eat more until after the nutritionist appointment because I’ll feel like a fraud if I gain weight before then (it’s in two weeks)
I WANT to get better. I don’t actually care about weight on an intellectual level. But for some reason on an emotional level, it terrifies me to see the scale move up at all. I started eating more in the past week because I’ve been trying to read more here and motivate myself to get back to normal. In doing that, I’ve triggered compulsive exercise… so frustrating! When I’m a “normal” weight, or at my past setpoint, I don’t seem to care that much about my weight. However, when I’m underweight or losing weight, I become obsessed. I’m also afraid– partially after reading stories here– that I’ve done so much damage to my metabolism that I will become overweight if I allow myself to stop the restriction. I KNOW being overweight is not the end of the world. I KNOW it doesn’t make me any less of a person. But like many ED people it sounds like the worst thing in the world. That sounds so awful and I feel terrible admitting that. Everyone around me (I’m 23, in graduate school) is seemingly obsessed with weight and body image although no one seems to actually actively control their weight, everyone is fit and healthy-seeming. I don’t want to call attention to myself by suddenly packing on the pounds (it’s a small group) but I know I also call attention to myself by losing more weight.
On top of all this, I feel more and more depressed by the day. I can’t hardly do simple tasks that I need to complete, like keeping my apartment clean and finishing small things like ordering books for class or editing a paper. That sounds so stupid but it’s like there’s this huge weight on me that gets heavier when I try to do those kinds of things- but work out for an hour? No problem.
Any advice? Sorry for the ranting, I just don’t have anyone to talk to and could really use some support.Just wanted to offer a virtual hug and shoulder?as I find myself in precisely your place. TrulyI could have easily written your post myself..alas! I too know of being incapable of doing seemingly menial tasks to those who are “normal” and well?yet finding the “strength” to walk or “expend” ?even if it simply means staying mobile and on my feet all day. Housework,laundry and organizing tasks go by the wayside, unfortunately..and to plan dinner is a major, anxiety-provoking undertaking to say the very least. Grocery shopping is terrifyingI can spend hours debating different brands..macronutrient contents..etc.. During this past Christmas season..I had the most difficulty with fabricating the expected baked goods..cookies..cakes..breakfast fare?and putting sugar, flour and butter together is excruciating for me. I am awaiting “the call” from an inpatient facility which I stupidly desisted upon when I had a possibility prior to No?l?but this time I definitely plan on following through with itI feel as if I “do not deserve” to go..for I know I have gained a bit of weight during the past two weeks?and I bizarrely want to be ED Wing “worthy”(anorexia) in the hospital’so now I have gone back to restricting unfortunately. When I tried to eat like my family..as in more typical family “normal” fare?it backfired into either chewing/spitting behaviors ..or a purging episode..which feels like such a major “fail”I totally agree with your insightful statement about wanting to get well on an intellectual level?but the emotional level is so very lagging behind in this respect. Speaking of respect?you have mineI appreciate and admire your candor and intelligence in speaking of your own particular scenario with these ED-based causes and want you to know that I wish you continued self-insight and if you ever want to connect..you have an empathetic connection in me.
hey Jminical. I also am recovering from AN. Your post is filled with paranoia, which is usually indicative of a starving brain (for those with ED). Your weight doesn’t determine your anorexia diagnosis. It is very likely that you are not at the weight your body would like. I understand the fear and the obsession for sure! I also understand the ability to work out but have no ability to do life tasks. My suggestion? Eat more and rest more.
At the weight and height you describe you are actually still very underweight. I’m not sure why you’re saying “not anorexic by any means” other than that minimizing/denial is part of the disease. YEs you are underweight and yes you are starving, which explains the paranoia and other psychological symptoms of anorexia which you are experiencing. I think step one here is to get real with the fact that you are still very much anorexic. You aren’t ‘basically all better’ and you aren’t recovered. I’m not saying this to put you down but to give you hope. If you tell yourself you’re ‘not that sick’ anymore then how can you hope things will get better-if this is the best you can hope for? Well, its not and you wont know what the best you can hope for will be until you truly give recovery a chance.
Both the paranoia, and the experience of feeling overwhelmed by life but being 100% poised to tackle P90X plus a 10 mile run, are also part of the disease.
As a grad student, do you have access to student health services? There may also be a support group you could utilize on campus. I think your fears about others noticing the gain etc are very common. I feel this way about the people I work with (I also have an ED). But again this is part of the illness and the preoccupation with your weight’s importance (or your perception of the importance of your weight) will change with improved nutrition, also. Anyway you mention you’ve been normal and the preoccupations diminished so you know this firsthand.
I hope this doesn’t sound judgey because it isn’t. It’s late, and I struggle too. I just want you to know that (1) its clear that you are very much in the grips of pretty typical anorexia/anorexia athletica and (2) there’s HOPE for you but before you can get better you have to stop the exercise and start eating. The great news is that you have a support team that also recognizes this. But you most certainly (!!!!) do NOT have to wait to start reclaiming your life until after the RD appointment.
Thanks, all, for the feedback. Part of me does believe that undernourishment is making me a bit more obsessive than usual. Tennosea, I didn’t think your post was condescending in the least. I have fallen so far down the hole of disordered thinking that it’s hard for me to tell what’s real anymore… when BauerPower noted that my post was “filled with paranoia” that really struck a chord and is truly what’s going on. Glutwin- I feel for you and will be sending good thoughts your way. Thanks for sharing your experiences.
I guess one of my problems now is that I literally don’t know what normal meals look like, and when I DO eat a “normal meal” (estimated by what another person eats), I feel so uncomfortable :( I’m hoping that feeling will pass? It’s like my body can’t handle much food anymore.Oh yes. Undernourishment does not make you “a bit more” obsessive. It totally makes you an obsessive nutcase. Really. Have you spent much time around animals? I have spent a lot of time around them for various reasons including working with animal shelters most recently. And I can observe this clearly in dogs, and horses, and rabbits. when underfed they are neurotic, unsocial, uncomfortable, frantic. But give them a sustained period of time with ample nourishment and rest and it DISAPPEARS. Those characteristics were NOT their natural personalities. They were symptoms.
You know you have to keep eating the normal meals consistently and increasing as you go before it becomes the new normal. YEs, of course it feels uncomfortable now. You’ve got to expect to be quite uncomfortable and accept it if you are going to get through it.
Ugh. Eating disorders are hell. Push through it. GEt better. LEt’s show the world that it’s possible to be a woman who isn’t a nutjob about weight, calories, and food. God, how refreshing are those precious few women you’ve ever met who just eat whatever the flip they want and never whine about being fat or whatever? What if we could all just be like that? Wouldn’t it be wonderful? THAT is the world I want to live in.
Hey jminical, I am still discovering what hunger, appetite, etc. feels like. This has taken awhile for me. The beginning was very very hard on my stomach. I felt full 24/7 but eventually things started “waking up.”
Thanks, BauerPower. Unfortunately the only time my fullness signals are blunted enough for me to eat a normal/larger amount it when I’ve been drinking… which unfortunately culminates in anxiety, dperession and guilt the next day. Plus hangovers since I usually start drinking on an empty stomach :/ How did you manage the anxiety associated with fullness?
The anxiety was a major b**** and still is. It’s about pushing through that. The anxiety is manufactured by the ED…I can’t let the ED run the show. I’ve got to step up and make choices. In order for you to have some real hunger signals you are going to have to eat when you are not ‘physically’ hungry. This will allow your body to 1. stretch out the stomach 2. start trusting 3. work on the damage done. It sucks, it’s painful, it made me very anxious but I had to do it. I now have somewhat normal hunger cues. I also have to listen to the ‘mental hunger’. Do you ever find yourself obsessing about food, thinking about food, etc. This is mental hunger, you should honor this too!
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